Florida Bound

Really early this Sunday morning my family and I are headed down to Florida for the holidays! Well, technically we'll be at sea for a week. Mom and dad found an amazing deal on a Christmas cruise through the Caribbean.

It's pretty amazing to me, almost hard to believe it's actually happening. This will be the first Christmas in 15 years that our family has the freedom to decide to be somewhere else for the holidays, and can afford to take a trip like this. Usually we have to be here taking care of Inn guests. It's just another sign of how quickly this season is shifting. And I can tell that I'm really ready for it, because I'm actually looking forward to sun, sand, and salt waves over snow and fireside Xmas presents. It's going to be a really fun change of pace.

I'll post up some photos and updates once we land again, but internet on the ship will be pretty expensive, so I won't be online much. Honestly, I'm kind of looking forward to that too. I plan to find a lounge chair, settling in with my notebook, and write...a lot. That sounds like total luxury to me.

I've realized that I'm still not ready to be in a serious relationship. It's a little surprising, because I'm doing ok emotionally. It feels like a lot of time has passed since Jackie and I broke up earlier this year. But I've realized over the past few days that I still have some issues to work through.

I don't think I've ever really forgiven myself for how that relationship progressed, or how it ended. I'm honestly afraid of someone else being vulnerable to me again, because I don't really trust myself. The crazy part is that nothing all that bad happened, even though I'm making it sound like I did something horrible. I just realized that the relationship couldn't go any further, and I ended it, even though I knew she didn't understand.

Anyway, it's complicated...I don't exactly know what it is I'm trying to say. If emotions were physical, and that past hurt is a wound that's healed over, I discovered this weekend that there is more scar tissue there than I realized. But, at least now I know where to start looking.

FINISHED!

5 seconds ago I just sent off the 5th and final DDQ Expedition, and it feels amazing! DDQ: The Journey is now content complete. After 10 months of learning curves and hard work, I'm actually almost dizzy with relief.

I still have another round of work to do polishing and refining the content, combining it into a single book, embedding DRM, cleaning up the website, etc. But today is the last day I'll ever work on the content of a new DDQ Expedition.

I'm already getting excited at the thought of working on new projects. I'll be taking the next few weeks to plan the first quarter of 2009, but I already have some ideas of what I'd like to start working on next. It feels like things are really starting to come together.

So, if you happen to see some crazy looking nutcase running around outside whooping and hollering and running in circles...I'll calm down eventually :)

Lunchtime

I just had lunch with my grandpa.

I've been holed up in my room, working and eating out of my freezer mostly, so this morning I suggested we head down to the local Italian place for lunch. We just hung out, catching up and chatting. Nothing earth shattering.

And then it hit me: I am eating lunch with my grandpa. We're talking. He's involved in my life. I know a lot of people who would absolutely kill to be able to say the same thing.

It was a bit overwhelming actually. This might sound morbid (I don't mean it to), but I was very aware in that moment that someday when I'm sitting at his funeral, I would remember this lunch we were having. There was nothing in the content of our interaction that particularly stood out, but I'm so so so so grateful that I've had the opportunity to spend times like that with him over the past year or so that I've been home again. It feels like a simple but wonderful gift.

Expectations

Expectations can be very dangerous.

It seems strange to say because we all have them, about everything. But I'm discovering just how much of my life has been defined by unfounded expectations lately, and it's sobering.

I always look forward to mom and dad's trips, not because I like having them gone (although they always pretend to think that), but because in the silence that follows, anything I'm not really at peace with comes to the surface pretty quickly. I have whole days during which God is basically the only person I talk to, and He always seems to have something important to say.

Over the last few days, He's been showing me how unfounded expectations lie at the root of all of the points of frustration or disappointment in my life right now, every single one. And the truth is, it's just no way to live.

You can't be disappointed in people or relationships because they aren't becoming what you had hoped they might become.

You can't be frustrated or restless with the circumstances of your life because they don't look like you had imagined they would by now.

It isn't fair to read into the words of the people around you, and then be surprised when it turns out they actually just meant what they said.

I've had several conversations with Jordan about the important difference between expectation and expectancy, but the truth is I'm an idiot when it comes to this important truth. I don't know why, but it's damned near impossible for my mind and heart not to run with all the little moments of life and spin them into a story that seems real. But, I think I'm learning to tune in more quickly, to adjust back to reality more easily, which I am very grateful for.

I'm starting to think of expectancy and expectation as two children watching their fathers paint them each a mural. The first one waits excitedly, bouncing around and laughing as each new detail is revealed. The second one picks up its own brush and tries to sneak in its own lines and colors, tries to change the shapes that emerge to suit its own little-kid preferences, and then throws tantrums when its little squiggles get calmly painted over.

Its ultimately a futile and frustrating way to live, and it spoils the simple enjoyment of watching a masterpiece unfold on its own.

I'm sorry if I've tried to repaint you lately.

The Downside of Being Your Own Boss

I did not get my work done today.

It wouldn't be so bad if I had a good excuse, but honestly I was just being lazy. I really hate the feeling of looking back over my day, knowing that I could had gotten 3-4 hours of solid work in but I just...didn't.

One of the biggest challenges of working for myself has been learning to manage my own work rhythms. When things are normal I can get into a groove and be surprisingly productive for long stretches of time. But I'm still learning how to get back into that groove quickly after some downtime or a vacation like last weekend's festivities.

I suppose it's a good sign that I'm frustrated about this much sooner than I used to be. When I was still in school it sometimes took me a week or more to get myself motivated to work after coming home from breaks. But still, here we are at the end of the day and I'm frustrated with myself, and very aware that I could have been writing a "wow I can't believe how much I got done today" kind of post if I had just sat down and done my work.

Tomorrow morning I intend to do just that. I'll write about it tomorrow (which I'm saying mostly so that I have something hanging over my head, haha)

Thanksgiving Highlights

Thanksgiving has come and gone. It's always been one of my favorite holidays, full of amazing food and lots of quality time with people I love. Some of my highlights from Thanksgiving 2008 are:

1) Working in the kitchen with mom and janelle. I actually really enjoy cooking. I like the Zen like process of peeling and chopping hundreds of carrots, sampling soups, conferring together about whether we should add more cranberries to the sauce. We always have music playing back in the kitchen. It's a great a excuse to hang out and chat for a few fun hours. And I may or may not have thrown some flour on janelle...


2) Lots of little kids running around. This year a lot of the friends celebrating with us had younger children, and it was so fun hearing happy laughter and crazy screams coming from upstairs or down the hall. I'm really looking forward to celebrating the holidays with a family of my own some day.

3) Lots of games! We played card games, board games, some chess, watched some movies, and just generally played together. I absolutely love having a bunch of friends around and no schedules to worry about.

4) Writing time with Zac. Well, I guess technically we were reviewing/discussing some of the stuff we've written recently, but it was probably my favorite 3 hours of the weekend. It's always great getting time to hang out with him.

5) Music! There was almost always someone singing, playing the guitar or piano, or something along those lines. I realized how much I miss singing with people.



Those are the things that jump out at me right now. I'm getting back into the flow of work and "normal life", but I've found myself smiling at a happy memory quite often over the past few days. Oh, and two days later we woke up to this:

Crazy Martial Arts performance

I still wish I could do this...

My Family

I've been in DC for four days. We came in to pick up my sister and hang out together for a while, before heading back to the mountains to prepare for Thanksgiving. It's been so good to be reminded of how much I completely love my family. We've eaten some amazing food, laughed, had long talks, and even had one "tense discussion".

To give you a little snapshot:

Last night we spent about 20 minutes trying to decide on a movie we could all watch together in the room. 10 of those minutes were spent in side splitting, teary eyed laughter when mom thought dad suggested we watch "Chocolate Thunder" (he asked about "Tropic Thunder"). Any family that can totally lose it and laugh for 10 minutes about a porn joke gets an A+ in my book =).

I really am very blessed. There aren't that many guys in the world who have the privilege of simply praying "Lord, help me be as of a good a father as my dad. Help me find a woman like my mom. Let my children be as close as I am to my sister."

My Winter Morning

It finally happened. I've been waiting for it for weeks now.

This morning, I woke up slowly around 9am. As my eyes blinked into focus, I realized that everything outside was covered three inches of white.

It snowed last night!!!

I think you have to grow up with snow to really appreciate it. My mom hates this time of year, she just feels cold and miserable. But for me the first snow of the year is pure magic. Up here, the only thing that disturbs snowfall is animal footprints. It's like the whole world pauses and heaves a gentle sigh of sleep.

What a wonderful, wonderful way to wind down my season at home.

Quantum of Bonds

Now that the new Bond movie is out, I found this trailer for an earlier version of the movie! Pretty sweet, but I can see why they made some changes:

Dancing Fog

There is only fog as far as the eye can see....which isn't very far.

I woke up this morning to find my mountains completely blanketed in silver mist and rolling clouds. Up here, fog doesn't sit still, it dances. There is something very magical about it. When the world is covered like this, anything is possible. I know exactly what the mountains outside my window look like, but today there might be an endless ocean in their place. Perhaps little mountain dwarves built castles on the ridges while I slept. No one can prove for certain that they haven't.

I think I prefer to live in the fog. I would rather believe in what thrills my heart than be forced to accept that everything I see is all that there is.

Please excuse me, I have some writing to do...

Viking Dreams

I just woke up from the *weirdest* dream about an hour ago (yes, I know, 11:30...it's my day off, so sue me).

I frequently have really strange, vivid dreams, but I don't usually remember them this clearly after I woke up.

Ok so as the dream started I discovered that I had been made the chief commissioner of a Baseball team! Shut up in my dream it made perfect sense =). Ok so there I was commissioning baseball teams, and in my dream that meant that I got to decide who would sit in the very best box office seats during the games, so of course I called up all of my friends. That was the part of the dream where random people I haven't thought about in *years* started showing up, and it got a little awkward.

So it turns out that the team I was commissioner of was the Vikings! And of course, all of the players were actually Vikings. Big, hairy, scary vikings with swords and axes. In my dream, all the Vikings were about 8 feet tall, they looked like comic book characters. And so none of the other teams would play with them, because they kept killing people and such (wusses). So it became my job, as chief commissioner, to try and reason with this unreasonable Vikings.

So the last part of my dream took place in this giant wooden longhouse like you see in Viking movies (I will continue to capitalize that word, because I think awesome words deserve a capital letter). Except that this wooden longhouse had couches and a fridge and a pinball machine. I guess even Vikings have to unwind somehow. So we were all sitting around the room on these couches, and the Vikings were taking turns sharing with each other about what drove their rage, and how they were going to try to overcome it. They even got kind of choked up sometimes. It was really sweet actually. A few of my friends were there trying to help me lead this Viking intervention, and there was this one Viking guy who just could not remember anyone's name. He felt so bad about it, but he just kept calling everyone Halga. Poor guy.

Anyway, then I woke up a a rainstorm outside my window as I made breakfast (lunch?). What a wierd way to start the day....

The Forbidden Kingdom

I just finished watching the Forbidden Kingdom. It's that Jackie Chan/Jet Li movie from earlier in the year.

It's about a slightly nerdy guy from south Boston, who loves old Kung Fu movies, etc. Through a series of events he ends up being transported to classical China, where he discovers it was prophesied that he would bring the legendary staff of the Monkey King (which he found in a Boston pawn shop), free the Monkey King from his stone prison, and end the reign of the evil Jade Warlord. Along the way he meets friends, learns Kung Fu, begins to fall in love, and eventually succeeds in his mission and returns to his world with the confidence and maturity he was looking for.

So yeah, it was exactly as corny and goofy as that description makes it sound. It had better than average production values and acting for that kind of movie, but the story was totally par-for-the-course average. It's silly. Life doesn't work that way. Sure there are challenges, but you don't get to face them with a sword or a staff. There's really no time to learn to live from your center, to be still, to become more than whatever you are at the moment. You just have to get through one day at a time, right? Do the best you can.

I know the story was silly. I also know that I enjoyed it so much because I'd give anything to have it happen to me...

In Between

It really sucks being stuck between two possible scenarios.

Have you ever been in a situation where you aren't sure whether someone knows an important piece of information, but whether they know it or not leads to two completely different situations? I don't know how to act with them, or how to interpret what they do, because it's all completely different depending on that one factor. It's pretty frustrating and confusing.

I can't really be more specific than that I guess, so this probably just comes across as vague rambling, but it's what's on my mind right now...

Post Election Thoughts

Last Tuesday was an amazing day.

Whatever your personal feelings or wishes, I can't imagine that anyone could remain unmoved by the events of Election night. It was a historic evening.

Now the question becomes, "what will the next four years bring?" I've been encouraged by the emails I've seen from Christian leaders urging believers to pray for and support our new president elect. I would add that, while praying earnestly is a wonderful beginning, it's not enough. I am praying that God would surround Obama with godly men and women, intelligent and sensitive to His voice. My fear is that the christian community, through some sense of outrage or protest, will boycott Obama's administration.

In that light, I've begun to seriously consider applying for a job somewhere on the 2009 White House staff. I wasn't even considering it this time a week ago, but the thought has been growing in the back of my mind since monday. I think it's interesting that even back in June I was very clear that I wasn't supposed to make any clear commitments or plans until late January of 2009...

So I've begun doing some research and thinking about what kind of position I'd be interested in applying for. I'll keep blogging about this process as it unfolds, but consider this a formal appeal for prayer, thoughts, and support as I begin to walk this out.

Equus Information Services, Part 2

**Picking up from yesterday**

4. DRM

DRM stands for Digital Rights Management, and what it means is that the media we publish is not only completely secure and copy-protected, but that it makes it very valuable to actually encourage your customers to send the file to as many people as they like.

Because we're developing these products in a proprietary format (i.e. it's not just PDFs, mp3s, etc), I can choose to allow or disable copy and paste functions, printing, and drag-and-drop on as much or as little of the product as I want. Furthermore (this is the cool part), I can embed a payment gateway right into the digital product itself. That means that if I was publishing your collection of poetry, for example, we could leave the first 2 of 20 peoms openly readable, and then create a payment wizard that pops up when someone tries to turn the page to the third one. If they don't want to pay for it, no big deal, but that's all they'll be able to see. If they want to buy the rest, they enter their credit card info (or paypal, or bank account) right there, and it unlocks the rest of the book for them on the spot.

So if they like it, they can send the file to 50 friends, and each of their friends (because they view the file on a new computer) would have the same option to pay to unlock the whole thing. An entire marketing campaign can be designed around giving your audience incentives to send the product to their friends and family, which leads me to my last point...

5. Viral Marketing

The marketing strategy I'm developing begins with getting just 100 people to buy a product, with strong incentives to send it to 10 people they think might be interested (or to send 10 people a link to the website). 100x10x10x10.....you can see where this is going. Viral, community based marketing is explosive and exponential, plain and simple, as long as you can keep your product both appealing and inobtrusive (i.e. not annoying or invasive in any way). You actually develop goodwill and a stronger sense of community/participation as you get your product in front of more people.

So, why don't more people publish digitally, if it's so great?

Well the answer is the reason I'm creating Equus in the first place. Namely, most of the digital material on the web right now is crap. Most of it is poorly designed by people with no skills or interest in graphics, layout, etc. A lot of it is actually factually inaccurate, or at least pretty pointless. It's often a total crap-shoot, which is why people are still a little leary of the idea of digital material (calling something an "e-book" does not carry very possitive connotations these days).

Equus intends to help address that by developing a strong brand recognition for quality, accessibility, and accuracy. Basically, if it's published by Equus, you'll be able to expect a certain standard of excellence. The file will work, the content will be quality, and the design will be professional.

Beyond just the quality standard, however, I really want Equus to become associated with a certain way of thinking. Do you love to learn? Are you interested in a lot of random topics? Do you like to be stretched creatively, artistically, and intellectually? Are you always looking for opportunities to discover new ideas?

Yeah? Then you'll love Equus. Start by finding some things that interest you - a new album of Sitaar/rock fusion, a short documentary on relief efforts in Somalia, or a volume of creative photography (these are all actual things I've been thinking of publishing. If you happen to recognize something you're working on in that list...we need to talk ;-) ). From there, you'll be introduced to other interesting projects and material that you never would have known to look for, based on your interest. That's the long term vision, anyway...



So that's the (longer than I expected) breakdown of what I've been spending the majority of my time developing over the past 8 months. I know there's a lot of text to wade through (compared to my normal posts at least), but if you guys have any thoughts, ideas, questions, or suggestions, I would LOVE to hear them. Seriously, I would find it very very helpful.

And since I know there are a greater than average number of creative/artistic types out there, be thinking about Equus as a way to publish material. The format is ideal for smaller, bit-sized content, so you don't need to have written an 800 page opus, or completed your epic rockopra symphony yet. If you have something you've always wanted to create, though, maybe this would be a good time to take a look at it again. Just something to think about ;-)

Equus Information Services

I realized the other day that I mention "Equus" a lot on this blog, but have never officially said anything about it. So, I wanted to go ahead and give a run through of the company and its concepts, both because it's becoming a hugely important part of my life, and also because it's good practice for me to give talk through the current "elevator speech" every so often :).

Equus Information Services is the umbrella name for the sole proprietorship I established in January of this year. It covers anything technical or organization that I get paid for (working with dad on GDI systems, for example). But my primary focus is on a division within EIS, Equus Digital Publishing. (Keep in mind, this is all symantics at this point, but I'm trying to keep the company structure clear now, so that I don't create problems for myself down the road).

What is digital publishing, you ask? What a great question!

Digital publishing is similar to traditional print/media publishing (book houses, movie studios, record labels, etc). We help an author, artist, or euntrepenuer to has material they want to release think through the best format for that material. We help them edit it, and create the final version of the product. Once it is ready for release, we help them form a marketing and distribution plan, and then handle sales of their product, paying them a royalty for every purchase.

The difference is, as the name implies we only publish fully digital content, which is where things get fun because as far as I know, we're the first company to do that. It might not sound that significance, but the difference in format has massive implications. Let me go over a few:

1. Sucess Threshold
This is a term I've coined recently (although I may have picked it up somewhere and forgotten) to describe the "break even" point that justifies publishing a product. Basically, a publisher needs to be relatively confident that a book or movie or what-have-you can sell X number of copies in order recoup the expenses of publishing it and turn a profit. The biggest factor in determining a product's success threshold is the costs involved in getting it published, printed, and out to market so it can be sold. Pretty self explanitory.

Traditional print/media can have very high costs associated with this front end development, and the costs continue to rise. It's the main reason the various media markets have been contracting. It's becoming harder and harder for a publisher like Penguin Books, for example, to justify printing books they know will sell well, but have limited appeal, and it's becoming harder for them to arrange for the few remaining major book retailers to carry it on their shelves. Everyone is looking for the next Harry Potter or Twilight. A decade ago, 5,000 sales meant a book was well worth printing. Today, that almost guarantees that it won't see daylight, even if those 5,000 sales were a total "sure thing" (a small but entheusiastic fan base, e.g.).

A lot of smarter and more experienced people have written about "the death of the midlist" before. Niche genres like poetry volumes, short films, short stories, fringe music genres, etc are languishing. Given that they don't cost significantly less than blockbuster or mainstream products to publish, fewer publishers can justify taking them on, even if they are of exceptional quality.

Enter Digital Publishing! Frankly, it's stunning how inexpensive it is to create, market, and distribute digital material if you avoid having to produce a physical accompanyment. We're talking hundreds - or even just tens! - of dollars in costs, compared to tens of thousands. What this means is that Equus can justify publishing products that we're reasonably confident would sell in the hundreds, not just the tens of thousands. In fact, that's the business plan for the first few years.

2. Digital Marketing and Distribution

You have no idea how many headaches are instantly solved by the fact that our products are all downloaded rather than shipped. Everything from manufacturing agreements, shipping, product placement deals with vendors, and on and on. Aside from being rather complicated, the costs of all of those things add up quickly. In comparisson, a website capable of hosting files and payment gateways costs maybe $40/year....

But the digital environment also simplifies marketing and advertizing. Three words: Google click-through ads (ok the hyphen might make it 3.5). Rather than paying for ad space on TV and in magazines, and hoping you did your research well enough that a significant number of your target market sees your ad (but paying for it regardless), click-through ads allow you to place a short blurb through Google that is displayed in a column on the right of the screen whenever someone searches for keywords that match your ad. Which means that the only people who see it are ones who are already generally interested in the topic or genre of your product. On top of that, you only pay a small premium when people actually follow the link to your site!

There are lots of other options for digital marketing and distribution, but that gives you a pretty good idea of how significant this is.

3. Royalties

The current royalty-based system sucks. Badly. The artist that creates the piece works their ass off and gets 5%, maybe 10%-15% if they're lucky or already famous.

Yes, the publishing process is complicated, expensive, and important. But it's not 90% of the process of taking something from a great idea to a finished product ready to be sold, so why should publishers take 90% of the profits? Basically, they do it because they can. There just aren't any other viable options.

Equus' royalty system is based on effort. The entire 100% profit from a sale is divided between the artist and the publisher on a "who did what" basis. 30% is set aside for Equus, which covers all of the expenses of marketing, distribution, and ongoing support of the product. The remaining 70% is divided based on who handled the various aspects that needed to get done to get that product to market. Content development, formating and design, process development, and other roles all have a percentage of sales assigned to them. Once Equus agrees to publish something, a deal is signed on who is going to take care of the things that need to be done to make sure that the product meets Equus' quality standards (because Equus is also a development house that can help with as much or as little of the actual design and development as needed), and the royalty is determined based on that agreement.

Bottom line, if the artist does most of the work, they make most of the profit. The more work Equus developers have to take on to get the material finished, the more they take from each sale. Makes sense, right?

**EDIT**

This entry got much longer than I had planned, so I'm going to move the second half into a new post tomorrow.

Contentment

I'm under the covers because its gotten quiet cold. When I woke up with morning there was a full blown windstorm raging outside (pun intended, hehe). I haven't heard the wind run that loudly in a long time.

This is kind of how my life feels right now. My world is small and contained, not exactly the way I want it but full of good and wonderful things at the same time, and I'm content with that. Every so often I hear the world outside making noise, but I feel more like a curious little kid standing on his toes to see what's making all that racket.

A lot of my friends are really dealing with life right now. The last week was pretty rough on a lot of people I care about. It makes me wish this journey was easier somehow. I know that there's no other way to learn to trust than to live through seasons where trust is required...but it still just feels hard sometimes. I'm struggling to stay calm, if that makes any sense. I have to keep remembering to come back to center, keep remembering that God has me here, nothing is wrong, I don't have to understand it to appreciate it.

Dad said yesterday that some time soon I'm going to look back on this season as a rich and wonderful time that passed very quickly. I'm sure he's right, but at this very moment, I'm wondering exactly how long I'm going to be bundled up in my room by myself...

What a Beautiful Mess

I just finished recording a song!

My wonderful friend Blanche has been here visiting this week, and tonight we finally sat down to record some music together, which we've wanted to do for years.

It's really incredible the kind of quality you can get out of a mac running Garage Band, I was stunned. I mean, it's not perfect, but it sounds good enough that its easy to forget that we were just sitting in front of a laptop.

So, the only finished song we have right now is a cover of A Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz, which also happened to be my favorite song from the night. The best part is that we recorded the whole song in our very first full take. As in, sit down, hit record, done. Blanche just learned this song a few days ago, and she just improvised this amazing harmony, because she's awesome like that.

Anyway, I'll stop ranting and just post the song for you. I'd love to know what you all think!

Oh....Danny Boy

This just made me really happy =)

"Those" Guests

I get so tired of people sometimes...

Today was not fun. I had to deal with "those" guests. Every year we always get some of "those" guests here at the Inn. People who come already determined to not have a good time, find fault, and who basically are dead set on getting as much of a discount as possible.

Things range from the ridiculously nit-picky to the utterly imaginary. This morning's list included:

1. Our path was not well lit enough, and very dangerous
2. The water in the sink didn't run strong enough
3. There were little bits of leaves on the floor (which they insist they did not track in themselves, even though the ground is, you know...covered in leaves)
4. The room was chilly when they arrived
5. The room was too hot when they went to bed
6. The sheets were obviously dirty (because, of course, our housekeeper would clean the whole room but just leave dirty sheets on the bed. That makes sense right?)
7. The foyer was a mess when they came downstairs, there were beer bottles everywhere (I found out later that the bottles were left by their relatives who were staying with them, who stood there and didn't say a word about it. Actually, they kept asking if I had left them....)

And on and on. It's just so frustrating because, as obviously ridiculous as it all is, there really isn't much you can do about that. You have to smile and apologize, and give them some kind of discount before they'll shut up and leave.

I think it comes with being a Bed and Breakfast. People expect amazing service and ammenaties, but want to pay hotel prices or less because we're in a remote area.

To be fair, the vast majority of our guests are nice, interesting people who say over and over how wonderful everything is, how it's much more than they were expecting, that they hope they can come back soon, etc. We hear that all the time, which is why it's even more absurd when someone comes in absolutely determined to be miserable. I can't imagine what it must be like to go through life that way...it must be exhausting.

I'm an elitist?

I'm beginning to suspect I might be a bit of an elitist.

I've been avoiding writing about the current political campaigns, although I've been following the process closely since the early days of the primaries. But lately things have reached such a low point that I'm starting to tune out. The increasingly negative tone of both campaigns is really getting old, and it only seems sillier in light of current affairs. They're both guilty of a little pointless mudslinging lately, although I have to say that the level of dishonesty and downright nastiness coming from the McCain camp lately has been particularly shocking and offensive (isn't this the guy who swore to run a clean and honorable campaign after getting shit-stormed himself by Bush in 2000? Seems like he of all people ought to know better).

But, as frustrating as it is, I'm enough of a realist to know that all of this is, to a certain extent, just politics. What has been deeply troubling me over the past week or two has been the responses of "normal" people around the country, many of whom seem only too willing to gleefully accept whatever their candidate throws out there, even in the face of clear contrary evidence, just because they like how it feels. Take, as an example, McCain's constant insistence that Obama plans to raise taxes on American families. It happened again in the last debate. McCain mentioned in passing Obama's plan to raise taxes, and during his 2 minutes Obama once again laid out very clear his proposed tax plan (tax cuts for 90% of families and small business tax credits/loans, with raised taxes on families making over $250,000 a year, as well as on coorporate income). Not too long after, McCain was talking about how Barrack plans to raise taxes on middle class families....what??

Now, if McCain has a legitimate issue with Obama's stated tax agenda, that's just fine. He should explain what it is and what he proposes as an alternative. But I am getting SO TIRED of his apparent belief that he gets to make up whatever facts he likes, as long as he just never acknowledges contrary evidence and keeps acting like they're true.

Another small rant along a similar vein, I was stunned when McCain criticized Obama for "voting against the funding of our troops in Iraq", (Barrack voted against a funding bill that had no stated time table for troop withdrawls) when he did the exact same thing himself on a similar funding bill that did stipulate time limits. Now again, if he wants to criticize Obama for insisting on a time table, that's just fine, go right ahead and make that case. But this overblown charge of "lack of patriotism", as if someone Barrack actually wants to cut off funding for our soldiers in Iraq, is just ridiculous. And what's worse, McCain knows it.

So....what does my little tirade have to do with being an elitist? Haha, that's a good question, I got a little sidetracked. The reason I started with that observation is that I've been getting increasingly frustrated that so many people seem content to just accept all this garbage without doing the slightest bit of research or fact checking for themselves (which is so easy to do these days). It honestly pisses me off that this kind of stuff really sticks for a large number of people, people who actually have little to no real information about the candiate they are supporting. The "elitist" part is that I'm getting really frustrated that my life is so intricately tied to the choices of a lot of stupid or lazy people.

I know that sounds really strong, but the funny thing is that I'm actually a strong supporter of the democratic process. It's just that in my mind, the ideal of the "democratic process" is based on informed citizens making difficult choices. And just to be clear, I'm not at all saying that somehow I want everyone to vote like I do, not in the least. I'm totally comfortable with people voting based on opinions and ideologies that I totally disagree with. I just want them to do it based on real information and some considered reflection, not this stupid knee-jerk, name calling political farce.

I've been thinking lately that it would be a really good idea to mandate a short, 5 or 6 question quiz about the actual policies of the candidate they want to vote for. I'm thinking of very general, multiple choice kinds of questions about the candidate's major foreign and domestic policy proposals. Frankly, if someone can't do that then I don't really think they have the right to cast a vote. As an added benefit, the canditates would be highly motivated to very clearly lay out their positions and use their resources to educate their supporters, or risk losing votes.

There was a good reason that classical democracies (including ours when it was founded) restricted the right to vote to those who owned property. They wanted votes to be based on sound consideration by citizens who had a real stake in the outcome, not on political manipulation of a large mass of un-informed people. And yes, I know that that kind of classism carries its own set of ugly problems (more than its worth I think), so I'm not proposing a return to feudalism or anything. I just think that we would all benfit from treating the right to vote as something precious and important, both a gift and a serious obligation.

See...I told you I'm an elitist ;-)

This is definitely one of those posts where I would love to hear people's thoughts.

A Jumble of Things

Here's a collective, "in no particular order" snapshot of my life these days:

• Fall is fully underway, in fact I think the leaves will mostly be on the ground in a week or two. But it has certainly been a beautiful few days. When I wake up early the view from my third floor window is really breathtaking, all cloud soaked valleys and early morning sunlight tracing the tops of trees. Grandpa gathered a huge trailer load of apples from a neighbors untended trees, and found someone in the area who owns a cider press. That's right, for the past three days I've been drowing in tart, delicious, fresh pressed apple cider! He made close to 60 gallons of the stuff =). I'm planning to make apple cider pancakes for breakfast tomorrow.
• October traffic in the Inn is picking up. We have a (mostly) full house tomorrow and for the next three weekends. I'm actually enjoying cruising around the kitchen fixing breakfast, chatting with guests as they come through. Its amazing how much more fun it is when I'm moved in up here. It doesn't feel like I'm just killing time on the job anymore, which is great.
• I've started really playing music again. I've found myself sitting with my guitar for several hours most of the past week. I love the tangible feeling of getting better, of being better able to play what I'm hearing in my head, of picking a song that I've always loved off of my iTunes and learning it. I'm even starting to write a few myself, slowly. It feels wonderful.
• I woke up today thinking about my story again. It's been weeks since I've had any desire to actually write. I've noticed this pattern pretty clearly in myself: I get a strong creative urge and a write up a few chapters, and in the process I stumble on new ideas, or discover holes or "blank spots" in the plot or characters that I didn't know were there. Then I go into a kind of "hibernation" stretch where I really have no desire to write, even as my mind comes back to the setting or plot points every so often. I muse and daydream. I usually get a flash of an idea or two that I really like, but it takes a while for them to sink in and become a real part of the fabric of the story. Then, one day I wake up and I'm just ready to go at it again. I'm excited and inspired, the pieces I've been feeling my way around have all clicked together into a whole shape. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to really make consistent progress forward...but every time I go through this cycle, the story gets richer and more refined, and my writing improves in general. Thankfully, I finally don't feel an artificial pressure to try and press through for some reason.

So, that's life for me, more or less. I've been very quiet lately, tasting and lingering on all the little pieces of this season of life. I've been sitting in front of a lot of fires, which always makes my world seem warmer. There are hard parts. Sometimes the silence feels more lonely than comforting. Sometimes I catch hints of the future, like a new scent on the wind, and for a moment I feel this intense urge to move on from here and follow it.

But mostly, I am content, and honestly that surprises me a little bit. It wasn't too long ago that I definitely wouldn't have said that, and I don't really know when that changed, but I'm glad that it did. Everything feels very subdued, but powerful. The melancholy moments all seem to be balanced by quiet hours where I feel more peaceful than anything else. Life feels like a gift, even the parts of it that I don't understand, and for the first time in a long time, I don't think there is anything I would change if I could.

My Place

For the first time in almost two years, I have my own place (two years...my how the time passes), and I'm a little shocked at how absolutely, amazingly, overwhelmingly happy it has made me.

The past two days have been equal parts moving things in and putting things away, rummaging through old boxes and drawers, and lounging in my new digs. It's probably been the best weekend I've hand in months. Every time I find a old favorite book, or a useful dish or piece of furniture, it's like digging up buried treasure. I'm actually looking forward to getting some posters and art pieces for walls again.

The only thing I haven't gotten to do quiet yet is fill my kitchen with food and cook a meal for myself, since I'm on this fast. But man, when the end of the month rolls around, I am going to cook a big, multi-course meal of some sort and host everyone up here for dinner. I can't wait.

The Value of Discomfort

I'm learning how to value discomfort.

In the past, my response to a few days of feeling generally grouchy, lazy, listless, cranky, icky, or any other kind of bad state that ends in y was generally "what's wrong with me?" followed quickly by "what can I do to escape it."

I still don't particularly enjoy finding myself in those states, but what I'm learning is that its almost always because of something deeper that I'm not aware of. Just like nerves use a pain response to alert us to dangers we might not otherwise be aware of, discomfort has been pointing me to internal and external factors I wasn't even really paying attention to. Such as:

1. I've had lingering little financial odds and ends that I've needed to take care of all month.
2. My room was a total mess. Papers, books, and clothes were scattered around in little piles, the result of too much traveling and not enough shelf space.
3. I haven't been exercising, or even eating particularly healthily lately.
4. It had been a while since I'd consistently done something really creative (music, writing, etc)
5. Most importantly, I haven't been regularly taking time and space to just be alone with God and with myself.

In other words, even though I was "keeping on top of everything", my life was increasingly out of balance, and it was all manifesting in general feelings of "ick". I'm glad I've started learning to listen to those feelings though, rather than trying harder and harder to avoid them by escaping into games or tv or naps or whatever. I've been busy the past few days, but I feel better than I have in a while.

Stuff I Keep Meaning To Do

I'm tempted to not write anything.

I've been circling around my blog for the past few days, but I never quite post. I've had some fun experiences worth posting about lately. I was in NY for a few days with Janelle and friends for my birthday. I've been thinking about stuff. Life is happening. But somehow I'm just not inspired to write about.

So for now, this will have to do. I'm really looking forward to settling back into a rythm here in the Hill. I've been getting increasingly agitated, fighting off that feeling that I'm overlooking important things. I feel like I'm juggling several open loops that I just want to close, relationally, work related, even physically. My list of "stuff I keep meaning to do" is getting a bit too long.

So that's what I'll be focusing on over the next few weeks. It might be a little quiet until I make some progress.

Digital Freewrite

Here we go. I've never done a free write straight on my blog before, but I don't have my notebook with me. I'm going to just write spontaneously, don't expect to read too much into it:


Blank spaces mix leaves like a blender,
A slender jungle path in silent gray.
Move with the breeze along the branches of trees,
Swallowed whole.

Washed ashore in bits and pieces,
Leaping trout-like up again, exploring new found beaches.
Where's the end, the water-sent fresh break from old foam?
Send it soon.

Flight bound through metal clouds, aqueous,
Born down by water-weight dripping from hidden wings
Sweat of motion dries in the sun
But lingers on the skin.

Not - Blah

It's amazing how much your emotional state can adjust in a day or two.

I went for a long walk after my post yesterday. Pulled off my shoes and scuffed through the grass, crunched through gravel, ran my fingers down the ridges of tree bark, took really deep breaths, took pictures in the evening sunlight. It's so beautiful outside this time of year. The leaves are just turning yellow, the air is crisp but not quite cold. The world is well.

All of that stuff that was overwhelming me before is still there, but it feels like the wave has passed. It's just stuff again. It's important, but I can handle it.

I was thinking, as I drove through the mountains on my way back from Charlottesville the other day, that I'm really happy with my life right now. No, I love my life right now. There are things I'm dreaming about, hoping for, but for the first time in a while I'm really ok with not having them yet. In fact I'm kind of enjoying it.

I'm enjoying the freedom, physical and emotional, to be where I am with no pressure to be anywhere else. I can make choices on a whim, and I'm loving the freedom. I don't think I want to change any of that just yet.

I went to a Tai Chi class on monday. It was amazing to be moving and thinking in martial arts terms again, but it was so different from what I'm used to. There was something so beautiful and powerful about moving slooooooowly, precisely, engaging each movement and each moment fully. I've been learning to live life that way, and its really been a stretch for me, but I think my "life muscles" are getting used to it, enough so that I'm starting to enjoy it rather than endure it.

Blah

What a day...

It all feels like it's hitting at once. 10 things to do and which do I start on? It's worse that it's half a dozen different kinds of things, most of them related in some way. Can't scratch this until I finish that, etc etc and some of it is just plain outside of my control. I don't usually let it all get to me, but today it just all feels like too much, and I want to just take a nap or something.

Sometimes the growing up part of growing up sucks.

Edinburgh

I decided yesterday that I really, really want to go to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival next year.

For those of you who don't know, the Fringe is one of the largest (if not the largest) independent music and performing arts festival in the world. It's held in Edinburgh, Scotland every August, when nearly 19,000 performers in hundreds of venues across the city perform innovative, even cutting edge pieces. I went several years ago with my family, and it was absolutely amazing. Crazy dance routines, singing groups, this quartet of crazy marimba players, and one of the best guitarists I've ever seen. There's also a ton of theater, comedy, etc. and a good many shows are performed free.

While the Fringe is going on, the streets of Edinburgh fill with buskers, food stalls, street performers, and tons of people from all around the world.

So, here is my proposal: I've figured that if I set aside $50-$75 every month from now until next August, and maybe work some extra hours or a few odd jobs, I'll have enough by next year to buy tickets and stay in Edinburgh for 1-2 weeks during the Fringe. Hostels are a great, cheap (and surprisingly comfortable) option, and food is reasonable. The point is, it's really workable, and I'm going to do it.

And here is my pitch: Anyone who wants to go on an adventure with me is invited. I'm being very serious about this. The Fringe runs from August 7th-30th next year, so I'm thinking that even people who have classes starting really early could go for at least a week. So, if anyone would like to dream with me about taking a trip of a lifetime, let me know, cause I'm starting to plan.

Here are some photos to entice you:

Internal Honesty

I'm learning how to be more honest with myself.

It's funny how often I avoid fully acknowledging how I'm feeling, or what I want, or whatever, because of some weird fear that naming it would be selfish, or would be giving it power if it's something "bad".

Example: Two days ago I really did not want to work. You know that point when every 10 minutes feels like an hour? Ironically, I've just come out of a week where I didn't work all that much, but I was emotionally and physically wiped out from the intensity of everything that's been going on around here lately. Not too long ago, I would have just tried to push through. I don't think I would have even stopped long enough to listen to what was really going on. Anyway, this time I did and I really acknowledged where I was at. I gave myself the day off (thank God I'm working for myself), and just vegged all day.

Now, two days later, I've gotten far more done than I ever would have if I'd been fighting that same fatigue the whole time.

Another Example: I've been feeling lonely these days. Like, really deep-in-your-gut lonely, not so much for people to interact with (I've had enough of that lately, lol), but for that intimate kind of life-sharing connection. Usually, I just sort of vaguely acknowledge these kinds of feelings. I know it may seem weird, but it's always felt like pointless whining to me. "So this is how a feel...so what?"

And honestly, I've been realizing that I've got a bit too much of a tendency towards "noble suffering" in me. Maybe it's an older sibling thing, maybe it has to do with personality, but I really tend to put my own needs (especially emotional ones) last. I'm going to be fine, the logic goes, so why take up emotional space and attention that other people probably need more than I do.

Thing is, that pattern is really more about hiding than anything else.

During Fusion, an old friend of mine mentioned how much time he spends reading the Psalms, and it really struck me. There is something profoundly healthy and healing about just screaming out how I'm feeling to God. Not in search of resolution or solutions, although those do come sometimes, but just because we've got to let these things out into the open sometimes.

And what I've been discovering is pretty cool. Hang on, cause this is a really big, shocking insight. You ready?

God is not like us. Stunning, I know.

What can I say, I learn slow sometimes.

But I'm realizing how much I've been projecting my own character onto God. Truth is, if I had to listen to me going on about how I'm feeling all the time, I'd probably smite me and get it over with.

But I've been discovering (with a more than a little surprise, honestly) how eager He is to listen, and how little what I have to say is shocking Him. The house has been quiet and empty, so I've been singing really loud, and sometimes even saying these things I'm feeling out loud.

Don't look at me like that...

Anyway, I know it's been healthy, because I haven't felt this good in a long time. Not superficially good because everything is the way I want it. It isn't. But all of those things are shared now, and I don't feel so alone in them. I have a clearer understanding of some things I didn't even realize I was feeling, and I don't feel so owned by them anymore.

So, what are you dealing with these days? How does it feel? And have you told Him about it? Sorry if I'm starting to sound a little preachy, but this is what I'm living in right now.

A loss for words

I made a discovery today.

I've always known that after a long stretch of being around people, I need to get some space and "re-charge" for a bit. At the same time, one of my favorite ways to relax is to spend time with someone, or maybe a few people at most, just hanging out in the same room. There's something really comforting about sharing the same space with people you enjoy and care about.

So, my discovery today is that I don't think I've been needing breaks from people all these years, not directly at least. I realized that what I need is to take breaks from speaking.

I haven't said a word out loud all day, and its been kind of wonderful. I think I just need time every now and then to escape into my own head for awhile. That's the great part about really close relationships. People that know you that well are ok with just being together, doing whatever we're each doing, barely talking.

Autumn arrives

The leaves are starting to turn outside. We're heading into my favorite season again.

There's something so beautifully serene and sophisticated about the turning of the trees. The air gets crisper and you can smell the change hanging lightly like apples in the wind. Behind everything, there's a wry smile. I think the world knows that its dying, for a while, and it's showing everything off before the snows come. But there's little hints of the spring that's coming on the other side, fresh fruits and flowers, harvests and festivals. It's a wonderful time.

I love the smell of wet leaves on the ground.

I love the smell of apple cider and cinnamon bubbling on the stove.

I love the sounds of Thanksgiving dinner.

I wonder if our favorite seasons say something about who we are. I've always felt a little like Autumn. So here's a toast to another season turning, and to lots of wonderful people and memories to be thankful for this year. If anyone wants to share a mug of cider by the fire, you know where to find me.

Song: Summer Fields

Sometimes you're just stuck.

I hate being caught in situations where everything you could do has a downside, so your only really viable choice is just to...wait. Hope for change on its own. Be patient.

I know it's best, but it still sucks sometimes, that's all.

I'm driving mom and dad up to DC this afternoon, then taking my time driving home by way of Charlottesville, so I'm hoping some time to myself off of the hill will give me some time to think and pray. I feel like everything's been moving so quickly that I haven't had any time to slow down and just breath.

I've also decided to undertake a major room overhaul/organization run when I get home. My space is a total mess, since lately I've only really been home long enough to wash clothes and re-pack a suitcase. And as of yesterday, I have mucho-important business documents (hurray for progress!) that I need to create a filing system for.

So, at least I have lots to occupy myself with over the next few weeks. Perhaps October will look different than I expect.

Paper Standard vs Digital Standard

During Fusion I lead a breakout session on the current state of technology. The GDI network is increasingly transitioning into online community as things get even more decentralized, but a lot of our more "chronologically advanced" people have been having a hard time adjusting and learning to operate comfortably in a virtual community.

I've been the point person for a lot of the things we've launched in this arena, so I've fielded a lot of questions and concerns. The one comment I heard overwhelmingly more than any others was, "I want to join in and start posting, but I'm worried that I won't do it right." At first, this really confused me. How could you "post wrong?" I spent some time thinking about it, however, and I realized that this disconnect is due in large part to two different standards for establishing the value of information, Paper and Digital.

With the creation and standardization of the printing press in the mid 15th century, Western culture transitioned from a Verbal standard to a Paper one. Prior to that time books were rare and very expensive, having more in common with works of art than a Barnes and Nobles shelf. Most information traffic was verbal, passed between friends and neighbors, shared by merchants in commercial hubs, or preserved by bards, storytellers, and other entertainers. Information and ideas were intangible and rarely consistent.

The printing press made the written word widely available and cheap. A huge range of content, from political pamphlets to sonnets, plays, and illegal bibles flooded Europe. But as inexpensive as information had become, it still cost something. The expression "that wasn't worth the paper it was printed on," underscores the fact that the value of information had become the price of a piece of paper. Until a few years ago that hadn't changed. Processes and tools have been refined, making everything even cheaper and easier to distribute, but that standard of value was still tied to paper.

Until early in this new millennium. Five or six years ago we crossed a point where digital information became less expensive than physical print media, and the real cost of digital information has been moving closer to $0.00 ever since. As the network grows, the individual connections within the network become more cost effective (i.e. an internet connection today buys you more than it used to). In other words, we're now operating on a new standard for establishing the value of information.

Most of us wouldn't fill pages of notebook paper with every random thought that comes to our head, or try and have fun, pointless little chats by passing notes all day. We'd end up with trashcans full of "wasted" paper. But that's exactly what we're learning to do online, because all we're using to do it are little strings of 100110101001. That's the disconnect I'm trying to help a lot of our GDI friends grow out of. If you stop to think about it, two people wouldn't normally stare silently at each other, waiting to say something because they aren't sure they'll "get it right". We're not that sparing with our words because we haven't been taught that they cost us something (I'm talking real costs here, in dollars or other resources, not intangibles like emotional or relational costs. Those can be very high).

Anyway, that's something I've been thinking about lately. It's going to be fascinating to watch what we do with this growing freedom, especially once we really begin to realize the process of multiple, integrated media forms (video, text, music, audio, etc.). This is a fun time to be alive.

Brain Magic

Well, Fusion is finally over. I slept a ton yesterday (in bed by 10pm!!), and I'm beginning to feel somewhat normal again. I'm finally able to get down to business, and I've made a good amount of progress on work things today, so that's a relief.

I've got two or three more involved posts about things I've been thinking over these days, but I'm saving them until I've got some mental/emotional energy to spare. Until then, here's a wild video I just found on TED. I love this kind of thing.

Keith Barry Does Brain Magic

Reading

I'm totally exhausted.

It's been a long day, and tonight I read some of my poems and short stories for the first time since I was a kid. It completely exhilarating and I loved it, but I'm also totally wiped out now. It feels great.

I'm going to bed, but I just wanted to throw this out there. I love stories.

I Frustrate Me

I'm feeling heavy.

I'm walking under the weight of expectancy, every day, thinking something might change and going to bed knowing it hasn't.

I hate feeling like the better my moments are, the more they reminded of what I think I'm missing. It's a silly way to live.

I guess I'm just lonely. That's ok, right?

New Bloggers

Two more names have come off my blogging anti-list lately. Jordan Miller and my wonderful mom have each started their own. Looks like I'm either going to have to take the list down completely, or find someone else to harass...hmmm.

Here are links to their blogs, but I've also added them to my blog roll on the left, so check them out some time.

http://cfike.blogspot.com/

http://humbleragamuffin.wordpress.com/

A Longer Silence

I must make a confession: I've had opportunities to blog over the last week, but I haven't taken them.

I've been busy, it's true, first with people and work at home, and then with the DSC conference here in Ashville since last Thursday. But the truth is, I've fallen into the trap of feeling obligated to have something "worth saying" to blog about. I'm going to stop doing that.

Ironically, though, I actually do have something to say today. I just got home from a mini DSC event down in Ashville, which was extremely fun. I'll share my two favorite take-aways.

1. On Saturday, David Miller gave an excellent overview of the concept of processional living. My favorite piece was an extended discussion of creativity. He said that, rather than being something interesting and fun to pass time with, creativity is at the heart of our relationship with God. He defined it, not just as artistic expression, but as any time we take the opportunity to make choices that are unique to us, that life itself is an ongoing creative work. I've been thinking about that ever since, and it really rings true. We notice creativity in art because it distills a huge amount of choices down to a single canvass, page, or song, but it takes even more creativity to respond well to the surprises life throws at us every day. If we can really settle the fact that we are unquestionably accepted and loved, that nothing we can do could make God love us any more or any less, than I think we can start living life out of a sense of adventure and creative expression. I'll be thinking about this a lot more over the next few weeks.

2. Somewhat along the same theme, I had a fantastic (and really unexpected) conversation with Megan, Jonathan, and David at dinner about my novel-in-progress. They asked such great questions, and really pushed my thinking in several areas. The main insight I'm working with is that I need to make my main character's situation much, much worse at the beginning. In fact, I need to make the world a little darker and a lot less forgiving in general. I don't think this changes very much of what actually happens (events), but I need to really deepen the why of it all (motivation), and give the protagonist a lot more to overcome.

It's so good to have honest to God friends...it seems like the more time passes, the more grateful, and even a little bemused I become about how blessed I am with the people in my life.

Structured Sponteneity

I've been talking with Jordan lately about the idea of structured spontaneity.

Both of us have realized how much we really value the freedom to respond naturally and intuitively to whatever emerges during the day, rather than being so constrained by circumstances (job, finances, time commitments, etc) that it's impossible to make decisions in the moment.

On the other hand, we're learning how critically important it is to create structure within life that keeps us moving forward. One of the worst feelings for me personally is waking up on a friday morning and realizing that I'm functionally in the same place I was on monday. I hate feeling like time is escaping me, or that I'm stewarding it poorly.

So, how can we marry the two together? Here are some thoughts:

1) Spontaneity vs. Laziness: I know I've confused the two more than I should, and the "being spontaneous" is often just a cover for not wanting to think hard, or to commit myself to a difficult task. Separating those two has been a good starting point for me.

2) Structured Open Space: This concept has become really key for my life recently. The idea is that you intentionally define "open space" times, large blocks where you release yourself from any obligation to produce anything. The actual content of my open space day (friday) tends to change a lot depending on where I'm at. Sometimes I'll read a book I've been wanting to get to, or I'll play computer games, or spend time with friends, or sometimes I'll just sleep half of the day. The point is that I can focus on doing whatever would restore my soul and body most without feeling guilty. In the past, I mixed work, play, and rest into one big jumble. I frequently wasn't very productive when I worked, and felt guilty when I played or rested. Again, separating out those two spaces is huge.

3) Know the Big Picture: One of the biggest reasons my short term spontaneity wasn't very productive was that I didn't have a clear sense of where I wanted to go in the long run. I was thinking 3 months down the road, at the very most. Often, I was only thinking a week ahead. Since coming out of DDQ two weeks ago, I've invested a lot of time and energy into thinking into the future and setting specific goals. I have a 5 year plan for Equus now. I've committed myself to a writing schedule that will leave me with a finished rough draft by this time next year. And dear God does it feel better. Even just three weeks ago I constantly felt that uneasy "I think I'm forgetting something" feeling down in my stomach. Even a ten hour work day often felt unsatisfying because, behind it all, I wasn't really sure if all that work was actually moving me forward or just keeping me busy. It feels so much better to know that I'm working, resting, and playing with purpose now.

4) Define Your Time: This is kind of where everything leads. Rather than insisting on no plan at all in the name of freedom or spontaneity, I've committed myself to a very well defined "macro-structure".

* Monday - Thursday: Focused work days for Equus. Every day I tackle one major "to-do" first, that one thing that will move me a step closer to my weekly goal. Yesterday I research and registered for a Federal Tax ID and DBA liscence (doing business as). If that one thing takes me all day, then at least it was a very productive day. If not, I tick some smaller "clearing my plate" items off of the list. The main point is focused and sustained work until dinner time.

* Friday: Open Space day. Free time to disengage and recharge. I really love Fridays =). The principle behind taking a workday off is that the positive benefit of an entire disengaged day a week spread out over the long run will more than equal whatever work I might scrape out on that day. So far its really proven to be true.

* Saturday - Sunday: Writing weekend. I've discovered that to write consistently I really need a larger block of time, I can't squeeze it in around other things. My goal as of now is to write 3-5 new pages each day of the weekend, but I'm hoping to increase that before too long. Its been interesting to see how much I've begun looking forward to the weekend, storing up ideas and jottings in my notebook. Before I just had this general sense that "I should write whenever I can", which translated into almost never. Now that I actually don't allow myself to do any writing during the week, by Saturday morning I'm actually looking forward to "getting to write again". The mind is a funny thing.


So out of some of those thoughts I'm starting to see a livable kind of "structured spontaneity" emerging. Doing the hard work up front to think, plan, and commit yourself to tangible long term goals and a structure for getting there, so that you become free to creatively and spontaneously manage your time and energy within that structure. It's working really well for me so far, so I'm looking forward to seeing how this plays out over the coming year.

The Gift of Bookstores

I've been doing a string of research for my novel lately. I'm trying to discover as much as I can about asian culture, history, plants and animals, and mythology (it's what my world is based on). Every time I go into a bookstore these days I spend some time seeing what I can find. Last time I was in a Barnes and Nobles an incredibly helpful woman lead me to the Oriental Mythology shelf and pulled off 7 or 8 books in about 5 minutes.

And it really started to hit me what an incredible gift and resource our access to literature in America really is.

For hundreds of years only the wealthiest owned books. Kings gave books to each other as gifts and tribute. The illustrated bible manuscript was often the single most valuable thing inside a church. Even after the printing press opened up access to the written word, most of the printed works were gathered in large private collections. The concept of a public library is a truly modern one.

And today we can usually find at least one major bookstore in a city, not to mention a collection of libraries. A single Barnes and Nobles might have over 100,000 books on its shelfs. Think about that for a second. The hard work of over 100,000 minds just sitting there, a massive repository of human experience to draw on in an instant.

I've often wondered what a human being could become if she or he could live 1,000 lives and remember each one. In a way, I'm realizing that we can come closer to that than anyone ever could at any point in history. Those bookshelves are filled with far more than 1,000 lives, real and imagined. So many windows into human experience, so many beautiful ideas and the consequences of terrible choices, and all of them available to us whenever we like.

Maybe that's why I love just being in bookstores so much. The moment I walk in I start to relax, and I often find myself smiling. Sometimes I enjoy just wandering through the shelves, running my hands along the book spines. Did you know that books all smell different too? Crack on open and press your nose down on the page sometime. I've actually picked several books based on their smell, and I've enjoyed them all. Maybe books have pheromones...

My point is, the next time you walk into a bookstore, don't head straight for the cafe. Stop and look around at what's happening. Dozens of people are milling around, talking, browsing, reading. They're all there learning together, expanding themselves and absorbing information. They're reading books in the aisles that people had to read by candlelight in hidden basements in the past, to avoid being discovered.

It really is beautiful if you stop and look.

6 Ways Mushrooms Can Save the World

Some of you may have already seen this video, but I've watched it 2-3 times and it always amazes me. I'm really hoping we start to actually see some of these solutions put to use soon.

My Layer Cake Life

Time flies when you're facilitating a DDQ.

My last week is a little blurry. I got off the plane in DC, met up with dad, had a day or so of downtime, drove out to the Inn, and we literally launched right into the first evening gathering of DDQ Phase II a few minutes after stepping out of the car.

The conference ended on Sunday, followed by a fun day outing of fishing and hanging out on the lake. So now I've finally had a chance to get my bearings again. I just put a load of laundry in the wash (I was down to my last pair of socks...), and I'm about to start a more regular work cycle again.

In the last few days I've also had the chance to do some actual thinking and processing as well. It's been especially good to have Jordan here pushing me to dig deeper and talk out loud. The most significant insight I've had of late has really helped me get a handle on where I've been, and especially on what this next month or two is supposed to be about.

I realized that my life is a lot like a cake that God has been working on over the last 5 years. Janelle insists its a layer cake. All through college He's been mixing and combining, breaking things down, stirring new discoveries and learnings into the mix. Sometimes it's felt a little choatic, even painful, but the end result is definitely more than the sum of the individual pieces.

I've been aware of how significantly different this year has been, though. To follow the metaphor on out, my life has been baking in the oven. I've been in this defined, enclosed space, and the environment itself has worked this ongoing transformation. I've frequently felt like I wasn't even actively doing anything, that all of these pieces and new discoveries were almost catalyzing on their own. The clearest thing I've felt from God is that I'm just not supposed to try and rush the process, that I should leave the door closed and let the process continue until He says its finished.

My month in Texas felt profoundly final, however, the clear capstone to that "oven season". But at the same time, I haven't felt a full release to launch out into whatever comes next. It's been rather confusing, honestly. As God began talking me through this analogy, though, I finally saw that this little window of being home after Texas is a chance to let the cake cool off. A short process, but important.

After finished DDQ Phase II, I'm even more aware of the disciplined planning I still need to engage. Yesterday I walked Equus (my digital publishing company) through a 5, 3, 2, 1 year, 6 month, and 3 month plan. I thought about what I want to shoot for, what I'm willing to sacrifice to get there, and what my next concrete steps are, and it felt wonderful (if a little exhausting). I finally feel like I have a handle on where I'm heading and what I need to do, and that underlying fear of failure has been gradually lifting ever since. I plan to do a similar planning process for my writing and general lifestyle goals.

I still don't know what shape my life will take. I don't know where I'll live next. I don't even really know who the core relationships in my life will be (though many of them are more obvious these days, thanks guys). But I'm beginning to feel the shape of those things as they emerge, and that is seriously exciting.

Jason Mraz - Winter Wonderland

Who in their right mind would be satisfied with just one Jason Mraz song? Besides, it is frighteningly hot in Texas, so it's nice to pretend that it's Christmans, just for a few minutes.

The Rainbow Connection

Here's a little musical interlude, especially for all of you Muppet fans out there.

Ducks

Ok, two serious posts is about all I can handle in one go, so today I'm going to write about Ducks:

Ducks live a sweet ass life.

Think about it, they are one of those rare animals who get TWO primary abilities. They can swim and fly. Feeling like a lazy day on the pond? Go for it man, you're a duck. But hey, don't worry, when the pond freezes over and all the other lame birds are dropping out of the trees like birdie-popsicles, you'll be chilling on a beach in Cabo, cause you can fly.

Anyone watch the show Heroes? Everybody gets one super ability, except for one guy (sort of). Hiro Nakamura can control time and teleport. And Hiro is, not surprisingly, one of the coolest characters in the show (he is also cute and cuddle, further re-enforcing my duck argument. Oh and also, Peter Petrelli doesn't count. He can absorb other people's powers, but it's still technically one ability, it's just a kick-ass one).

Ok, on to my next point, which we will call Point Tango:

Ducks are social birds, they live in groups. "So what", you may be thinking to yourself. That means that every duck is at least cool enough to be worth hanging out with. How many other birds do you know that flock together that way?

Penguins? I believe the movie Happy Feet has convincingly demonstrated that penguins are officially "cool".

Flamingos? Still cool, in a very 60s coctail party sort of way.

See, that's pretty lofty company. Take eagles, as a counter example. No one would deny that eagles are bad asses. But they must get lonely, right? All that soaring around on their own all the time must give them lots of empty hours to contemplate the meaninglessness of a life lived in isolation. I mean eagle chicks fight to the death as soon as they hatch until only one is left. That's just cold man...cold.

Oh, and a slight tangent for all you wordy types out there. I have just discovered that a group of ducks is only considered a flock when they are actually in flight. When they are on the water they are refered to as a raft of ducks, or a paddling of ducks, and at all times they can be refered to as a brace of ducks. Fascinating stuff.

So in conclusion, I believe I have convincingly demonstrated that ducks are the time traveling social ninjas of the avian world, and worthy of far more consideration than we have previously afforded them.

Tune in again next week, when I examine the relative merits of pogo sticks and other alternate means of transportation.

Things I'm Learning

Perspective: I can't make my own life work. Simple as that. I could spend the next 50 years doing everything I can to make things work out the way I envision them, and die exhausted and frustrated. Or I can cultivate a healthier perspective, living out in the mundane details of my days the confusing truth that we find our lives when we give them up. I'll take the latter.

Patience: There are things that I want, right now. I want to move into my own apartment, fully furnished exactly the way I want it to be. I want to live closer to all of my friends. I want to travel with people I love. Frankly, I want to get married and raise a family. There are so many things that are almost a part of my life, that it becomes far too easy to spend all my time thinking about what I am waiting for, rather than engaging what is all around me.

I'm learning that patience doesn't mean passivity. Patience is the whole-hearted engagement of the here-and-now, supported by the firm conviction that tomorrow will be its own day, equally worth engaging.

Trust: I'm learning to trust God in a deeper and more tangible way than I ever have before. I'm learning to trust the relationships in my life more fully. And mostly, I'm learning to trust myself. I'm learning to give credence to my own instincts, and the goodness of who God has made me to be.

Intensity: This is the one it feels like I'm having the hardest time with. I'm am learning to give myself fully to the things that I'm engaging, to take things that extra step. I'm learning how to discipline my spirit and my emotions in those moments when I would rather watch a movie than sit down to write. I don't want to go through life only making good use of 20% of my time.

I imagine sometimes what my life could look like in the future if I truly learned to intensely and passionately engage whatever it is I'm setting myself to. When I work, I work with focus. When I rest, I rest without guilt. When I spend time with friends and family, I do it with abandon. When I travel, I move fully outside my comfort zone. I imagine a life where I never feel the subtle conviction that I'm just wasting some time, and it looks really good.


So those are some of the things I'm learning. I'm tempted to say, "things I still need to learn", because there are so many moments -- even whole days -- when I live as though I haven't learned them at all. But the truth is that they are sinking down under my skin and becoming a part of me. I've begun to notice instances where I react from these places without needing to think about it, and that is very encouraging.

"It is the voice of life that calls us to come a learn"

Back and the saddle and learning all the time...

It has been almost exactly two weeks since my last post.

I'm really sorry for the long silence, I should have left a note on here or something. I've been on a semi-voluntary computer fast that ended up running a little longer than expected. Let me explain.

Two weeks ago while bumming around on my laptop (I was going to say 'working' but decided to keep it honest, lol), I was suddenly struck by the dreaded Blue Screen of Death crash. I booted up again, and it blue screened after just a few minutes in windows. That was about the time I realized that I hadn't backed up all the work I'd done on Equus things in over a month....so needless to say I was freaking out.

No one was home at the time, so there wasn't much I could do about it. I realized, though, that freaking out all afternoon wouldn't really solve the problem either, so I decided to spend some time meditating. Once I managed to quiet my mind down and get into that peaceful space, I found God waiting for me there, sitting cross-legged on the floor, smiling. He looked very mischievous. As soon as I sat down He said "don't worry Justin, I just killed your computer so that we would talk."

Which, strangely, was very comforting. And we've been talking ever since, about all kinds of things. Now, I would have said that I talked to God frequently before, but I realized how agenda driven my prayer life had become. I mean there was always something of great significance to talk about, or ask for, or surrender, or whatever.

This time, we just talked.

And of course, we eventually got to some amazingly helpful insights about myself, my thought life these days, my fears about the future, the ways I've begun using my business venture as both a means of controlling my own destiny and an excuse not to take risks in the here-and-now until it reaches a certain point (impressive, huh?). But those kinds of things have fallen into the conversation in between my thoughts about The Dark Knight (amazing movie!) and the mechanics of good storytelling, string theory, girls, the church, martial arts, and a hundred other random, hang out topics.

So, I'm in a bit of a daze right now. I'm wondering if things will "go back to normal" when I go home, and really hoping they don't...

I don't really have anything more conclusive to say. It may seem strange for me to just trail out like this, but after all I'm just having a conversation here, and conversations don't always need to be neatly wrapped up.

Golden Post

I don't really have much to say today, but I realized I was only one post away from 50, so...

Happy 50th Post To Me!

In other news, I'm making a public declaration that I'm going to get back into a consistent pattern of writing. I haven't done any at all since coming down to Texas, which is bad. You all have my permission to harass me mercilessly until I produce something.

My Sister Is A HUGE DORKI

Public Service Announcement:

I hereby announce to the entire world (the one's who read my blog anyway...) that, as per the subject line of this post, my sister is a HUGE DORK! She has been blogging for nearly a month and has not mentioned this fact. Now that she said something she has been removed from the list of shame and added to my blog roll, but I couldn't let it pass without tossing a lame bomb in her direction.

With that said, I've read her first few posts and I'm floored....my sister needs to just be a writer or something. I'll carry her bags to big conventions and stuff.

Also, I am going to need to start looking for new people to mock on my list of shame....

Serious Blog Section:

I've often thought about how strange it is that we live as if we can plan and predict our lives. We talk about what we're going to do next month or next week so often. Usually we actually do those things, but it's just been striking me that all of the important events that have had lasting impact on my life have been unexpected. Most of them I couldn't have anticipated even the day before.

Here I am in Texas, for example. I didn't even know half of the people here until I came down for the Vanguard conference in June. I was not even thinking about leaving home at that point, but here I am.

Despite how this may sound, this isn't a depressing or paralyzing thought for me. Quite the opposite, actually. I find it thrilling and it gives me hope.

Do you ever get that feeling that life is always going to be just like this, forever. That kind of slightly hopeless, listless, restless feeling? Or do you ever think about something that you want so badly you think you'll go crazy because you know with 100% certainty that you're never going to get it? I do.

But then I remind myself that the really significant parts of my life, be they beautiful or painful, have always come from out of the blue, the day after I thought nothing would ever change.

Who knows, maybe you're just five minutes away from meeting that special person for the first time, or reconnecting with someone you met years ago and never developed a friendship with.

Maybe tomorrow morning you'll wake up with that one amazing idea that will change life as you know it and send you hurtling in an unexpected direction.

Maybe tomorrow will be just another day.

I guess that's what makes life an adventure worth sticking around for =).