Internal Honesty

I'm learning how to be more honest with myself.

It's funny how often I avoid fully acknowledging how I'm feeling, or what I want, or whatever, because of some weird fear that naming it would be selfish, or would be giving it power if it's something "bad".

Example: Two days ago I really did not want to work. You know that point when every 10 minutes feels like an hour? Ironically, I've just come out of a week where I didn't work all that much, but I was emotionally and physically wiped out from the intensity of everything that's been going on around here lately. Not too long ago, I would have just tried to push through. I don't think I would have even stopped long enough to listen to what was really going on. Anyway, this time I did and I really acknowledged where I was at. I gave myself the day off (thank God I'm working for myself), and just vegged all day.

Now, two days later, I've gotten far more done than I ever would have if I'd been fighting that same fatigue the whole time.

Another Example: I've been feeling lonely these days. Like, really deep-in-your-gut lonely, not so much for people to interact with (I've had enough of that lately, lol), but for that intimate kind of life-sharing connection. Usually, I just sort of vaguely acknowledge these kinds of feelings. I know it may seem weird, but it's always felt like pointless whining to me. "So this is how a feel...so what?"

And honestly, I've been realizing that I've got a bit too much of a tendency towards "noble suffering" in me. Maybe it's an older sibling thing, maybe it has to do with personality, but I really tend to put my own needs (especially emotional ones) last. I'm going to be fine, the logic goes, so why take up emotional space and attention that other people probably need more than I do.

Thing is, that pattern is really more about hiding than anything else.

During Fusion, an old friend of mine mentioned how much time he spends reading the Psalms, and it really struck me. There is something profoundly healthy and healing about just screaming out how I'm feeling to God. Not in search of resolution or solutions, although those do come sometimes, but just because we've got to let these things out into the open sometimes.

And what I've been discovering is pretty cool. Hang on, cause this is a really big, shocking insight. You ready?

God is not like us. Stunning, I know.

What can I say, I learn slow sometimes.

But I'm realizing how much I've been projecting my own character onto God. Truth is, if I had to listen to me going on about how I'm feeling all the time, I'd probably smite me and get it over with.

But I've been discovering (with a more than a little surprise, honestly) how eager He is to listen, and how little what I have to say is shocking Him. The house has been quiet and empty, so I've been singing really loud, and sometimes even saying these things I'm feeling out loud.

Don't look at me like that...

Anyway, I know it's been healthy, because I haven't felt this good in a long time. Not superficially good because everything is the way I want it. It isn't. But all of those things are shared now, and I don't feel so alone in them. I have a clearer understanding of some things I didn't even realize I was feeling, and I don't feel so owned by them anymore.

So, what are you dealing with these days? How does it feel? And have you told Him about it? Sorry if I'm starting to sound a little preachy, but this is what I'm living in right now.