Florida Bound

Really early this Sunday morning my family and I are headed down to Florida for the holidays! Well, technically we'll be at sea for a week. Mom and dad found an amazing deal on a Christmas cruise through the Caribbean.

It's pretty amazing to me, almost hard to believe it's actually happening. This will be the first Christmas in 15 years that our family has the freedom to decide to be somewhere else for the holidays, and can afford to take a trip like this. Usually we have to be here taking care of Inn guests. It's just another sign of how quickly this season is shifting. And I can tell that I'm really ready for it, because I'm actually looking forward to sun, sand, and salt waves over snow and fireside Xmas presents. It's going to be a really fun change of pace.

I'll post up some photos and updates once we land again, but internet on the ship will be pretty expensive, so I won't be online much. Honestly, I'm kind of looking forward to that too. I plan to find a lounge chair, settling in with my notebook, and write...a lot. That sounds like total luxury to me.

I've realized that I'm still not ready to be in a serious relationship. It's a little surprising, because I'm doing ok emotionally. It feels like a lot of time has passed since Jackie and I broke up earlier this year. But I've realized over the past few days that I still have some issues to work through.

I don't think I've ever really forgiven myself for how that relationship progressed, or how it ended. I'm honestly afraid of someone else being vulnerable to me again, because I don't really trust myself. The crazy part is that nothing all that bad happened, even though I'm making it sound like I did something horrible. I just realized that the relationship couldn't go any further, and I ended it, even though I knew she didn't understand.

Anyway, it's complicated...I don't exactly know what it is I'm trying to say. If emotions were physical, and that past hurt is a wound that's healed over, I discovered this weekend that there is more scar tissue there than I realized. But, at least now I know where to start looking.

FINISHED!

5 seconds ago I just sent off the 5th and final DDQ Expedition, and it feels amazing! DDQ: The Journey is now content complete. After 10 months of learning curves and hard work, I'm actually almost dizzy with relief.

I still have another round of work to do polishing and refining the content, combining it into a single book, embedding DRM, cleaning up the website, etc. But today is the last day I'll ever work on the content of a new DDQ Expedition.

I'm already getting excited at the thought of working on new projects. I'll be taking the next few weeks to plan the first quarter of 2009, but I already have some ideas of what I'd like to start working on next. It feels like things are really starting to come together.

So, if you happen to see some crazy looking nutcase running around outside whooping and hollering and running in circles...I'll calm down eventually :)

Lunchtime

I just had lunch with my grandpa.

I've been holed up in my room, working and eating out of my freezer mostly, so this morning I suggested we head down to the local Italian place for lunch. We just hung out, catching up and chatting. Nothing earth shattering.

And then it hit me: I am eating lunch with my grandpa. We're talking. He's involved in my life. I know a lot of people who would absolutely kill to be able to say the same thing.

It was a bit overwhelming actually. This might sound morbid (I don't mean it to), but I was very aware in that moment that someday when I'm sitting at his funeral, I would remember this lunch we were having. There was nothing in the content of our interaction that particularly stood out, but I'm so so so so grateful that I've had the opportunity to spend times like that with him over the past year or so that I've been home again. It feels like a simple but wonderful gift.

Expectations

Expectations can be very dangerous.

It seems strange to say because we all have them, about everything. But I'm discovering just how much of my life has been defined by unfounded expectations lately, and it's sobering.

I always look forward to mom and dad's trips, not because I like having them gone (although they always pretend to think that), but because in the silence that follows, anything I'm not really at peace with comes to the surface pretty quickly. I have whole days during which God is basically the only person I talk to, and He always seems to have something important to say.

Over the last few days, He's been showing me how unfounded expectations lie at the root of all of the points of frustration or disappointment in my life right now, every single one. And the truth is, it's just no way to live.

You can't be disappointed in people or relationships because they aren't becoming what you had hoped they might become.

You can't be frustrated or restless with the circumstances of your life because they don't look like you had imagined they would by now.

It isn't fair to read into the words of the people around you, and then be surprised when it turns out they actually just meant what they said.

I've had several conversations with Jordan about the important difference between expectation and expectancy, but the truth is I'm an idiot when it comes to this important truth. I don't know why, but it's damned near impossible for my mind and heart not to run with all the little moments of life and spin them into a story that seems real. But, I think I'm learning to tune in more quickly, to adjust back to reality more easily, which I am very grateful for.

I'm starting to think of expectancy and expectation as two children watching their fathers paint them each a mural. The first one waits excitedly, bouncing around and laughing as each new detail is revealed. The second one picks up its own brush and tries to sneak in its own lines and colors, tries to change the shapes that emerge to suit its own little-kid preferences, and then throws tantrums when its little squiggles get calmly painted over.

Its ultimately a futile and frustrating way to live, and it spoils the simple enjoyment of watching a masterpiece unfold on its own.

I'm sorry if I've tried to repaint you lately.

The Downside of Being Your Own Boss

I did not get my work done today.

It wouldn't be so bad if I had a good excuse, but honestly I was just being lazy. I really hate the feeling of looking back over my day, knowing that I could had gotten 3-4 hours of solid work in but I just...didn't.

One of the biggest challenges of working for myself has been learning to manage my own work rhythms. When things are normal I can get into a groove and be surprisingly productive for long stretches of time. But I'm still learning how to get back into that groove quickly after some downtime or a vacation like last weekend's festivities.

I suppose it's a good sign that I'm frustrated about this much sooner than I used to be. When I was still in school it sometimes took me a week or more to get myself motivated to work after coming home from breaks. But still, here we are at the end of the day and I'm frustrated with myself, and very aware that I could have been writing a "wow I can't believe how much I got done today" kind of post if I had just sat down and done my work.

Tomorrow morning I intend to do just that. I'll write about it tomorrow (which I'm saying mostly so that I have something hanging over my head, haha)

Thanksgiving Highlights

Thanksgiving has come and gone. It's always been one of my favorite holidays, full of amazing food and lots of quality time with people I love. Some of my highlights from Thanksgiving 2008 are:

1) Working in the kitchen with mom and janelle. I actually really enjoy cooking. I like the Zen like process of peeling and chopping hundreds of carrots, sampling soups, conferring together about whether we should add more cranberries to the sauce. We always have music playing back in the kitchen. It's a great a excuse to hang out and chat for a few fun hours. And I may or may not have thrown some flour on janelle...


2) Lots of little kids running around. This year a lot of the friends celebrating with us had younger children, and it was so fun hearing happy laughter and crazy screams coming from upstairs or down the hall. I'm really looking forward to celebrating the holidays with a family of my own some day.

3) Lots of games! We played card games, board games, some chess, watched some movies, and just generally played together. I absolutely love having a bunch of friends around and no schedules to worry about.

4) Writing time with Zac. Well, I guess technically we were reviewing/discussing some of the stuff we've written recently, but it was probably my favorite 3 hours of the weekend. It's always great getting time to hang out with him.

5) Music! There was almost always someone singing, playing the guitar or piano, or something along those lines. I realized how much I miss singing with people.



Those are the things that jump out at me right now. I'm getting back into the flow of work and "normal life", but I've found myself smiling at a happy memory quite often over the past few days. Oh, and two days later we woke up to this: