Reading

I'm totally exhausted.

It's been a long day, and tonight I read some of my poems and short stories for the first time since I was a kid. It completely exhilarating and I loved it, but I'm also totally wiped out now. It feels great.

I'm going to bed, but I just wanted to throw this out there. I love stories.

I Frustrate Me

I'm feeling heavy.

I'm walking under the weight of expectancy, every day, thinking something might change and going to bed knowing it hasn't.

I hate feeling like the better my moments are, the more they reminded of what I think I'm missing. It's a silly way to live.

I guess I'm just lonely. That's ok, right?

New Bloggers

Two more names have come off my blogging anti-list lately. Jordan Miller and my wonderful mom have each started their own. Looks like I'm either going to have to take the list down completely, or find someone else to harass...hmmm.

Here are links to their blogs, but I've also added them to my blog roll on the left, so check them out some time.

http://cfike.blogspot.com/

http://humbleragamuffin.wordpress.com/

A Longer Silence

I must make a confession: I've had opportunities to blog over the last week, but I haven't taken them.

I've been busy, it's true, first with people and work at home, and then with the DSC conference here in Ashville since last Thursday. But the truth is, I've fallen into the trap of feeling obligated to have something "worth saying" to blog about. I'm going to stop doing that.

Ironically, though, I actually do have something to say today. I just got home from a mini DSC event down in Ashville, which was extremely fun. I'll share my two favorite take-aways.

1. On Saturday, David Miller gave an excellent overview of the concept of processional living. My favorite piece was an extended discussion of creativity. He said that, rather than being something interesting and fun to pass time with, creativity is at the heart of our relationship with God. He defined it, not just as artistic expression, but as any time we take the opportunity to make choices that are unique to us, that life itself is an ongoing creative work. I've been thinking about that ever since, and it really rings true. We notice creativity in art because it distills a huge amount of choices down to a single canvass, page, or song, but it takes even more creativity to respond well to the surprises life throws at us every day. If we can really settle the fact that we are unquestionably accepted and loved, that nothing we can do could make God love us any more or any less, than I think we can start living life out of a sense of adventure and creative expression. I'll be thinking about this a lot more over the next few weeks.

2. Somewhat along the same theme, I had a fantastic (and really unexpected) conversation with Megan, Jonathan, and David at dinner about my novel-in-progress. They asked such great questions, and really pushed my thinking in several areas. The main insight I'm working with is that I need to make my main character's situation much, much worse at the beginning. In fact, I need to make the world a little darker and a lot less forgiving in general. I don't think this changes very much of what actually happens (events), but I need to really deepen the why of it all (motivation), and give the protagonist a lot more to overcome.

It's so good to have honest to God friends...it seems like the more time passes, the more grateful, and even a little bemused I become about how blessed I am with the people in my life.

Structured Sponteneity

I've been talking with Jordan lately about the idea of structured spontaneity.

Both of us have realized how much we really value the freedom to respond naturally and intuitively to whatever emerges during the day, rather than being so constrained by circumstances (job, finances, time commitments, etc) that it's impossible to make decisions in the moment.

On the other hand, we're learning how critically important it is to create structure within life that keeps us moving forward. One of the worst feelings for me personally is waking up on a friday morning and realizing that I'm functionally in the same place I was on monday. I hate feeling like time is escaping me, or that I'm stewarding it poorly.

So, how can we marry the two together? Here are some thoughts:

1) Spontaneity vs. Laziness: I know I've confused the two more than I should, and the "being spontaneous" is often just a cover for not wanting to think hard, or to commit myself to a difficult task. Separating those two has been a good starting point for me.

2) Structured Open Space: This concept has become really key for my life recently. The idea is that you intentionally define "open space" times, large blocks where you release yourself from any obligation to produce anything. The actual content of my open space day (friday) tends to change a lot depending on where I'm at. Sometimes I'll read a book I've been wanting to get to, or I'll play computer games, or spend time with friends, or sometimes I'll just sleep half of the day. The point is that I can focus on doing whatever would restore my soul and body most without feeling guilty. In the past, I mixed work, play, and rest into one big jumble. I frequently wasn't very productive when I worked, and felt guilty when I played or rested. Again, separating out those two spaces is huge.

3) Know the Big Picture: One of the biggest reasons my short term spontaneity wasn't very productive was that I didn't have a clear sense of where I wanted to go in the long run. I was thinking 3 months down the road, at the very most. Often, I was only thinking a week ahead. Since coming out of DDQ two weeks ago, I've invested a lot of time and energy into thinking into the future and setting specific goals. I have a 5 year plan for Equus now. I've committed myself to a writing schedule that will leave me with a finished rough draft by this time next year. And dear God does it feel better. Even just three weeks ago I constantly felt that uneasy "I think I'm forgetting something" feeling down in my stomach. Even a ten hour work day often felt unsatisfying because, behind it all, I wasn't really sure if all that work was actually moving me forward or just keeping me busy. It feels so much better to know that I'm working, resting, and playing with purpose now.

4) Define Your Time: This is kind of where everything leads. Rather than insisting on no plan at all in the name of freedom or spontaneity, I've committed myself to a very well defined "macro-structure".

* Monday - Thursday: Focused work days for Equus. Every day I tackle one major "to-do" first, that one thing that will move me a step closer to my weekly goal. Yesterday I research and registered for a Federal Tax ID and DBA liscence (doing business as). If that one thing takes me all day, then at least it was a very productive day. If not, I tick some smaller "clearing my plate" items off of the list. The main point is focused and sustained work until dinner time.

* Friday: Open Space day. Free time to disengage and recharge. I really love Fridays =). The principle behind taking a workday off is that the positive benefit of an entire disengaged day a week spread out over the long run will more than equal whatever work I might scrape out on that day. So far its really proven to be true.

* Saturday - Sunday: Writing weekend. I've discovered that to write consistently I really need a larger block of time, I can't squeeze it in around other things. My goal as of now is to write 3-5 new pages each day of the weekend, but I'm hoping to increase that before too long. Its been interesting to see how much I've begun looking forward to the weekend, storing up ideas and jottings in my notebook. Before I just had this general sense that "I should write whenever I can", which translated into almost never. Now that I actually don't allow myself to do any writing during the week, by Saturday morning I'm actually looking forward to "getting to write again". The mind is a funny thing.


So out of some of those thoughts I'm starting to see a livable kind of "structured spontaneity" emerging. Doing the hard work up front to think, plan, and commit yourself to tangible long term goals and a structure for getting there, so that you become free to creatively and spontaneously manage your time and energy within that structure. It's working really well for me so far, so I'm looking forward to seeing how this plays out over the coming year.

The Gift of Bookstores

I've been doing a string of research for my novel lately. I'm trying to discover as much as I can about asian culture, history, plants and animals, and mythology (it's what my world is based on). Every time I go into a bookstore these days I spend some time seeing what I can find. Last time I was in a Barnes and Nobles an incredibly helpful woman lead me to the Oriental Mythology shelf and pulled off 7 or 8 books in about 5 minutes.

And it really started to hit me what an incredible gift and resource our access to literature in America really is.

For hundreds of years only the wealthiest owned books. Kings gave books to each other as gifts and tribute. The illustrated bible manuscript was often the single most valuable thing inside a church. Even after the printing press opened up access to the written word, most of the printed works were gathered in large private collections. The concept of a public library is a truly modern one.

And today we can usually find at least one major bookstore in a city, not to mention a collection of libraries. A single Barnes and Nobles might have over 100,000 books on its shelfs. Think about that for a second. The hard work of over 100,000 minds just sitting there, a massive repository of human experience to draw on in an instant.

I've often wondered what a human being could become if she or he could live 1,000 lives and remember each one. In a way, I'm realizing that we can come closer to that than anyone ever could at any point in history. Those bookshelves are filled with far more than 1,000 lives, real and imagined. So many windows into human experience, so many beautiful ideas and the consequences of terrible choices, and all of them available to us whenever we like.

Maybe that's why I love just being in bookstores so much. The moment I walk in I start to relax, and I often find myself smiling. Sometimes I enjoy just wandering through the shelves, running my hands along the book spines. Did you know that books all smell different too? Crack on open and press your nose down on the page sometime. I've actually picked several books based on their smell, and I've enjoyed them all. Maybe books have pheromones...

My point is, the next time you walk into a bookstore, don't head straight for the cafe. Stop and look around at what's happening. Dozens of people are milling around, talking, browsing, reading. They're all there learning together, expanding themselves and absorbing information. They're reading books in the aisles that people had to read by candlelight in hidden basements in the past, to avoid being discovered.

It really is beautiful if you stop and look.

6 Ways Mushrooms Can Save the World

Some of you may have already seen this video, but I've watched it 2-3 times and it always amazes me. I'm really hoping we start to actually see some of these solutions put to use soon.

My Layer Cake Life

Time flies when you're facilitating a DDQ.

My last week is a little blurry. I got off the plane in DC, met up with dad, had a day or so of downtime, drove out to the Inn, and we literally launched right into the first evening gathering of DDQ Phase II a few minutes after stepping out of the car.

The conference ended on Sunday, followed by a fun day outing of fishing and hanging out on the lake. So now I've finally had a chance to get my bearings again. I just put a load of laundry in the wash (I was down to my last pair of socks...), and I'm about to start a more regular work cycle again.

In the last few days I've also had the chance to do some actual thinking and processing as well. It's been especially good to have Jordan here pushing me to dig deeper and talk out loud. The most significant insight I've had of late has really helped me get a handle on where I've been, and especially on what this next month or two is supposed to be about.

I realized that my life is a lot like a cake that God has been working on over the last 5 years. Janelle insists its a layer cake. All through college He's been mixing and combining, breaking things down, stirring new discoveries and learnings into the mix. Sometimes it's felt a little choatic, even painful, but the end result is definitely more than the sum of the individual pieces.

I've been aware of how significantly different this year has been, though. To follow the metaphor on out, my life has been baking in the oven. I've been in this defined, enclosed space, and the environment itself has worked this ongoing transformation. I've frequently felt like I wasn't even actively doing anything, that all of these pieces and new discoveries were almost catalyzing on their own. The clearest thing I've felt from God is that I'm just not supposed to try and rush the process, that I should leave the door closed and let the process continue until He says its finished.

My month in Texas felt profoundly final, however, the clear capstone to that "oven season". But at the same time, I haven't felt a full release to launch out into whatever comes next. It's been rather confusing, honestly. As God began talking me through this analogy, though, I finally saw that this little window of being home after Texas is a chance to let the cake cool off. A short process, but important.

After finished DDQ Phase II, I'm even more aware of the disciplined planning I still need to engage. Yesterday I walked Equus (my digital publishing company) through a 5, 3, 2, 1 year, 6 month, and 3 month plan. I thought about what I want to shoot for, what I'm willing to sacrifice to get there, and what my next concrete steps are, and it felt wonderful (if a little exhausting). I finally feel like I have a handle on where I'm heading and what I need to do, and that underlying fear of failure has been gradually lifting ever since. I plan to do a similar planning process for my writing and general lifestyle goals.

I still don't know what shape my life will take. I don't know where I'll live next. I don't even really know who the core relationships in my life will be (though many of them are more obvious these days, thanks guys). But I'm beginning to feel the shape of those things as they emerge, and that is seriously exciting.