The Value of Discomfort

I'm learning how to value discomfort.

In the past, my response to a few days of feeling generally grouchy, lazy, listless, cranky, icky, or any other kind of bad state that ends in y was generally "what's wrong with me?" followed quickly by "what can I do to escape it."

I still don't particularly enjoy finding myself in those states, but what I'm learning is that its almost always because of something deeper that I'm not aware of. Just like nerves use a pain response to alert us to dangers we might not otherwise be aware of, discomfort has been pointing me to internal and external factors I wasn't even really paying attention to. Such as:

1. I've had lingering little financial odds and ends that I've needed to take care of all month.
2. My room was a total mess. Papers, books, and clothes were scattered around in little piles, the result of too much traveling and not enough shelf space.
3. I haven't been exercising, or even eating particularly healthily lately.
4. It had been a while since I'd consistently done something really creative (music, writing, etc)
5. Most importantly, I haven't been regularly taking time and space to just be alone with God and with myself.

In other words, even though I was "keeping on top of everything", my life was increasingly out of balance, and it was all manifesting in general feelings of "ick". I'm glad I've started learning to listen to those feelings though, rather than trying harder and harder to avoid them by escaping into games or tv or naps or whatever. I've been busy the past few days, but I feel better than I have in a while.

Stuff I Keep Meaning To Do

I'm tempted to not write anything.

I've been circling around my blog for the past few days, but I never quite post. I've had some fun experiences worth posting about lately. I was in NY for a few days with Janelle and friends for my birthday. I've been thinking about stuff. Life is happening. But somehow I'm just not inspired to write about.

So for now, this will have to do. I'm really looking forward to settling back into a rythm here in the Hill. I've been getting increasingly agitated, fighting off that feeling that I'm overlooking important things. I feel like I'm juggling several open loops that I just want to close, relationally, work related, even physically. My list of "stuff I keep meaning to do" is getting a bit too long.

So that's what I'll be focusing on over the next few weeks. It might be a little quiet until I make some progress.

Digital Freewrite

Here we go. I've never done a free write straight on my blog before, but I don't have my notebook with me. I'm going to just write spontaneously, don't expect to read too much into it:


Blank spaces mix leaves like a blender,
A slender jungle path in silent gray.
Move with the breeze along the branches of trees,
Swallowed whole.

Washed ashore in bits and pieces,
Leaping trout-like up again, exploring new found beaches.
Where's the end, the water-sent fresh break from old foam?
Send it soon.

Flight bound through metal clouds, aqueous,
Born down by water-weight dripping from hidden wings
Sweat of motion dries in the sun
But lingers on the skin.

Not - Blah

It's amazing how much your emotional state can adjust in a day or two.

I went for a long walk after my post yesterday. Pulled off my shoes and scuffed through the grass, crunched through gravel, ran my fingers down the ridges of tree bark, took really deep breaths, took pictures in the evening sunlight. It's so beautiful outside this time of year. The leaves are just turning yellow, the air is crisp but not quite cold. The world is well.

All of that stuff that was overwhelming me before is still there, but it feels like the wave has passed. It's just stuff again. It's important, but I can handle it.

I was thinking, as I drove through the mountains on my way back from Charlottesville the other day, that I'm really happy with my life right now. No, I love my life right now. There are things I'm dreaming about, hoping for, but for the first time in a while I'm really ok with not having them yet. In fact I'm kind of enjoying it.

I'm enjoying the freedom, physical and emotional, to be where I am with no pressure to be anywhere else. I can make choices on a whim, and I'm loving the freedom. I don't think I want to change any of that just yet.

I went to a Tai Chi class on monday. It was amazing to be moving and thinking in martial arts terms again, but it was so different from what I'm used to. There was something so beautiful and powerful about moving slooooooowly, precisely, engaging each movement and each moment fully. I've been learning to live life that way, and its really been a stretch for me, but I think my "life muscles" are getting used to it, enough so that I'm starting to enjoy it rather than endure it.

Blah

What a day...

It all feels like it's hitting at once. 10 things to do and which do I start on? It's worse that it's half a dozen different kinds of things, most of them related in some way. Can't scratch this until I finish that, etc etc and some of it is just plain outside of my control. I don't usually let it all get to me, but today it just all feels like too much, and I want to just take a nap or something.

Sometimes the growing up part of growing up sucks.

Edinburgh

I decided yesterday that I really, really want to go to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival next year.

For those of you who don't know, the Fringe is one of the largest (if not the largest) independent music and performing arts festival in the world. It's held in Edinburgh, Scotland every August, when nearly 19,000 performers in hundreds of venues across the city perform innovative, even cutting edge pieces. I went several years ago with my family, and it was absolutely amazing. Crazy dance routines, singing groups, this quartet of crazy marimba players, and one of the best guitarists I've ever seen. There's also a ton of theater, comedy, etc. and a good many shows are performed free.

While the Fringe is going on, the streets of Edinburgh fill with buskers, food stalls, street performers, and tons of people from all around the world.

So, here is my proposal: I've figured that if I set aside $50-$75 every month from now until next August, and maybe work some extra hours or a few odd jobs, I'll have enough by next year to buy tickets and stay in Edinburgh for 1-2 weeks during the Fringe. Hostels are a great, cheap (and surprisingly comfortable) option, and food is reasonable. The point is, it's really workable, and I'm going to do it.

And here is my pitch: Anyone who wants to go on an adventure with me is invited. I'm being very serious about this. The Fringe runs from August 7th-30th next year, so I'm thinking that even people who have classes starting really early could go for at least a week. So, if anyone would like to dream with me about taking a trip of a lifetime, let me know, cause I'm starting to plan.

Here are some photos to entice you:

Internal Honesty

I'm learning how to be more honest with myself.

It's funny how often I avoid fully acknowledging how I'm feeling, or what I want, or whatever, because of some weird fear that naming it would be selfish, or would be giving it power if it's something "bad".

Example: Two days ago I really did not want to work. You know that point when every 10 minutes feels like an hour? Ironically, I've just come out of a week where I didn't work all that much, but I was emotionally and physically wiped out from the intensity of everything that's been going on around here lately. Not too long ago, I would have just tried to push through. I don't think I would have even stopped long enough to listen to what was really going on. Anyway, this time I did and I really acknowledged where I was at. I gave myself the day off (thank God I'm working for myself), and just vegged all day.

Now, two days later, I've gotten far more done than I ever would have if I'd been fighting that same fatigue the whole time.

Another Example: I've been feeling lonely these days. Like, really deep-in-your-gut lonely, not so much for people to interact with (I've had enough of that lately, lol), but for that intimate kind of life-sharing connection. Usually, I just sort of vaguely acknowledge these kinds of feelings. I know it may seem weird, but it's always felt like pointless whining to me. "So this is how a feel...so what?"

And honestly, I've been realizing that I've got a bit too much of a tendency towards "noble suffering" in me. Maybe it's an older sibling thing, maybe it has to do with personality, but I really tend to put my own needs (especially emotional ones) last. I'm going to be fine, the logic goes, so why take up emotional space and attention that other people probably need more than I do.

Thing is, that pattern is really more about hiding than anything else.

During Fusion, an old friend of mine mentioned how much time he spends reading the Psalms, and it really struck me. There is something profoundly healthy and healing about just screaming out how I'm feeling to God. Not in search of resolution or solutions, although those do come sometimes, but just because we've got to let these things out into the open sometimes.

And what I've been discovering is pretty cool. Hang on, cause this is a really big, shocking insight. You ready?

God is not like us. Stunning, I know.

What can I say, I learn slow sometimes.

But I'm realizing how much I've been projecting my own character onto God. Truth is, if I had to listen to me going on about how I'm feeling all the time, I'd probably smite me and get it over with.

But I've been discovering (with a more than a little surprise, honestly) how eager He is to listen, and how little what I have to say is shocking Him. The house has been quiet and empty, so I've been singing really loud, and sometimes even saying these things I'm feeling out loud.

Don't look at me like that...

Anyway, I know it's been healthy, because I haven't felt this good in a long time. Not superficially good because everything is the way I want it. It isn't. But all of those things are shared now, and I don't feel so alone in them. I have a clearer understanding of some things I didn't even realize I was feeling, and I don't feel so owned by them anymore.

So, what are you dealing with these days? How does it feel? And have you told Him about it? Sorry if I'm starting to sound a little preachy, but this is what I'm living in right now.

A loss for words

I made a discovery today.

I've always known that after a long stretch of being around people, I need to get some space and "re-charge" for a bit. At the same time, one of my favorite ways to relax is to spend time with someone, or maybe a few people at most, just hanging out in the same room. There's something really comforting about sharing the same space with people you enjoy and care about.

So, my discovery today is that I don't think I've been needing breaks from people all these years, not directly at least. I realized that what I need is to take breaks from speaking.

I haven't said a word out loud all day, and its been kind of wonderful. I think I just need time every now and then to escape into my own head for awhile. That's the great part about really close relationships. People that know you that well are ok with just being together, doing whatever we're each doing, barely talking.

Autumn arrives

The leaves are starting to turn outside. We're heading into my favorite season again.

There's something so beautifully serene and sophisticated about the turning of the trees. The air gets crisper and you can smell the change hanging lightly like apples in the wind. Behind everything, there's a wry smile. I think the world knows that its dying, for a while, and it's showing everything off before the snows come. But there's little hints of the spring that's coming on the other side, fresh fruits and flowers, harvests and festivals. It's a wonderful time.

I love the smell of wet leaves on the ground.

I love the smell of apple cider and cinnamon bubbling on the stove.

I love the sounds of Thanksgiving dinner.

I wonder if our favorite seasons say something about who we are. I've always felt a little like Autumn. So here's a toast to another season turning, and to lots of wonderful people and memories to be thankful for this year. If anyone wants to share a mug of cider by the fire, you know where to find me.

Song: Summer Fields

Sometimes you're just stuck.

I hate being caught in situations where everything you could do has a downside, so your only really viable choice is just to...wait. Hope for change on its own. Be patient.

I know it's best, but it still sucks sometimes, that's all.

I'm driving mom and dad up to DC this afternoon, then taking my time driving home by way of Charlottesville, so I'm hoping some time to myself off of the hill will give me some time to think and pray. I feel like everything's been moving so quickly that I haven't had any time to slow down and just breath.

I've also decided to undertake a major room overhaul/organization run when I get home. My space is a total mess, since lately I've only really been home long enough to wash clothes and re-pack a suitcase. And as of yesterday, I have mucho-important business documents (hurray for progress!) that I need to create a filing system for.

So, at least I have lots to occupy myself with over the next few weeks. Perhaps October will look different than I expect.

Paper Standard vs Digital Standard

During Fusion I lead a breakout session on the current state of technology. The GDI network is increasingly transitioning into online community as things get even more decentralized, but a lot of our more "chronologically advanced" people have been having a hard time adjusting and learning to operate comfortably in a virtual community.

I've been the point person for a lot of the things we've launched in this arena, so I've fielded a lot of questions and concerns. The one comment I heard overwhelmingly more than any others was, "I want to join in and start posting, but I'm worried that I won't do it right." At first, this really confused me. How could you "post wrong?" I spent some time thinking about it, however, and I realized that this disconnect is due in large part to two different standards for establishing the value of information, Paper and Digital.

With the creation and standardization of the printing press in the mid 15th century, Western culture transitioned from a Verbal standard to a Paper one. Prior to that time books were rare and very expensive, having more in common with works of art than a Barnes and Nobles shelf. Most information traffic was verbal, passed between friends and neighbors, shared by merchants in commercial hubs, or preserved by bards, storytellers, and other entertainers. Information and ideas were intangible and rarely consistent.

The printing press made the written word widely available and cheap. A huge range of content, from political pamphlets to sonnets, plays, and illegal bibles flooded Europe. But as inexpensive as information had become, it still cost something. The expression "that wasn't worth the paper it was printed on," underscores the fact that the value of information had become the price of a piece of paper. Until a few years ago that hadn't changed. Processes and tools have been refined, making everything even cheaper and easier to distribute, but that standard of value was still tied to paper.

Until early in this new millennium. Five or six years ago we crossed a point where digital information became less expensive than physical print media, and the real cost of digital information has been moving closer to $0.00 ever since. As the network grows, the individual connections within the network become more cost effective (i.e. an internet connection today buys you more than it used to). In other words, we're now operating on a new standard for establishing the value of information.

Most of us wouldn't fill pages of notebook paper with every random thought that comes to our head, or try and have fun, pointless little chats by passing notes all day. We'd end up with trashcans full of "wasted" paper. But that's exactly what we're learning to do online, because all we're using to do it are little strings of 100110101001. That's the disconnect I'm trying to help a lot of our GDI friends grow out of. If you stop to think about it, two people wouldn't normally stare silently at each other, waiting to say something because they aren't sure they'll "get it right". We're not that sparing with our words because we haven't been taught that they cost us something (I'm talking real costs here, in dollars or other resources, not intangibles like emotional or relational costs. Those can be very high).

Anyway, that's something I've been thinking about lately. It's going to be fascinating to watch what we do with this growing freedom, especially once we really begin to realize the process of multiple, integrated media forms (video, text, music, audio, etc.). This is a fun time to be alive.

Brain Magic

Well, Fusion is finally over. I slept a ton yesterday (in bed by 10pm!!), and I'm beginning to feel somewhat normal again. I'm finally able to get down to business, and I've made a good amount of progress on work things today, so that's a relief.

I've got two or three more involved posts about things I've been thinking over these days, but I'm saving them until I've got some mental/emotional energy to spare. Until then, here's a wild video I just found on TED. I love this kind of thing.

Keith Barry Does Brain Magic