I thought I understood loneliness.
I thought it was the feeling of being by yourself when the people you wish you were with are miles away. I thought loneliness was the overwhelming awareness of distance, but it isn't.
Loneliness is the overwhelming awareness of the irrelevance of distance. It isn't missing someone, it's not having anyone to miss.
Even if I could go anywhere on earth right this minute, I would still be lonely. That's a strange thought. It isn't that I don't have great friends, I have some of the best friends in the world. But sometimes being with people makes this feeling worse, and I don't know why...
Sorry, I know this is melodramatic, especially since I haven't posted in a few weeks. My holidays were great. Now I'm coming home to a home that suddenly doesn't feel like one anymore. Everything has shifted, and I have nothing tangible to center myself on. I've felt this way since last monday when I got back to Virginia. Most of the time this feeling of disorientation feels almost fun. I can appreciate the freedom, the closeness with God as we drift together in this. But sometimes it just feels scary and endless, like right now. And when it does, I think of calling someone, just to hear their voice. But there isn't anyone to call.
That is lonely.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Lonely
Posted by JustinFike at 8:59 PM
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2 comments:
Loneliness can have absolutely nothing to do with the quantity or quality of your friends. At least in my experience, it is more often caused by the conception (flawed or not) that no one else can relate to your current experience of the world, that even if you had someone to talk to, you wouldn't know what to say because they wouldn't understand exactly where you were coming from. So, regardless of where you are, of whether or not you are surrounded by amazing people or sitting alone in your apartment, the sense of loneliness still pervades.
Obviously you know you can call me whenever you want. For now, just... look into the emptiness and see what you can find in there.
Love.
Loneliness is partly a desire for something we're supposed to want and supposed to have. The world is broken. I don't know exactly how your loneliness feels, but I think I at least kinda know what you mean.
I think God felt loneliness when Adam and Eve hid in the Garden. Jesus was lonely on the Cross and in that other garden. Just to name a couple. A couple. Ha. Sigh.
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