Progress Once More

I'm writing again! Apparently Tuesday's coaching session really helped un-stick me, as I am now the proud author of a new 6 page scene. The exercise we came up with during the session was having me come up with 10 alternate ways to write the beginning of the story, as varied and different from each other as possible. It really helped me relax, and let go of the feeling of permanence that was keeping me from making much progress. I'm really enjoying the process of just writing again. Funny what an apparently minor internal shift can accomplish isn't it?

And as an added bonus, I realized about halfway through it that this scene (which I had originally envisioned as an alternate begin that started with the antagonist of the story instead of the main character) is actually a really solid scene that I like a lot, and it fits really well at a somewhat later point in the story. It's extra fun when something I had just been thinking of as a good exercise morphs into something really cool and useful.

Also, I ate the sandwich in the picture for lunch. It was delicious.

I'm Afraid

Yesterday I had my first Arts Coaching appointment with Adam Fleming. I've been feeling bogged down, paralyzed, and all around stuck in my writing project lately (I'm working on a fantasy fiction novel). It's been incredibly hard to make even tiny bits of progress. I thought it might have something to do with my writing patterns or something like that, but after some reflection with Adam I realized that my constraint isn't coming from patterns, it's coming from simple, deeply rooted fear.

I guess I just hadn't really faced into the risk that comes with creating something that really comes from your heart with the intent of sharing it. It's freakin' scary. What if it sucks? Or, even worse, what if it's just kind of generically "good" but never really touches anyone in a real or lasting way.

These kinds of fears are very very common, I know. I guess I'm just encountering mine more vividly as I've committed myself to this project in a more intentional way. It was really good to name them, though, and to plan some short term action steps to begin moving forward again in spite of them. I'm actually having fun with this again :).

I'll let ya'll know what comes out of this week, I'll have some new (fairly different) things to read soon.

J

Cooking

I really like to cook.

Last night I cooked my first "home by myself for 5 weeks" meal. Up until now I've mostly been eating leftovers and frozen things (and lots of cereal). I made spaghetti, which looked like this at one point:
The funny thing is, I've intended to cook something every night for the last week, but I always ended up pulling something out of the freezer, even though I knew whatever I made would taste better. But I realized as I was cutting vegetables that I've been more than just lazy. I realized that I've actually been avoiding it.

Cooking by yourself is lonely.

My ex-girlfriend Jackie and I used to cook together a lot. We'd try new recipes and experiment with them, it was always fun.

I think it's the little, everyday things that can feel the most powerfully lonely. For the first time in my life I can truthfully say that I am settled and content with the circumstances of my life, singleness, wilderness, and all. But I really wish I had someone to cook with last night.

Easy or Meaningful?

Do you want your life to be easy, or do you want it to be meaningful?

As I was eating breakfast this morning it struck me that this is one of the most fundamentally important questions I think any person can answer. I think a lot of people go through life trying to avoid pain, trying to be happy, and trying to stay out of trouble. It makes sense when you put it that way, right? What's wrong with that?

I don't think there's anything wrong with those things in and of themselves, but I think that they suck as life goals. The problem is, you can chase happiness for years, try your hardest to avoid pain, but you won't be able to, and in the meantime you'll have missed out on a lot of wonderful things at best. At worst, you'll have made some very bad mistakes.

Anything worthwhile is difficult. Relationships take work. Big dreams require risk, and sometimes risk leads to "failure". But the funny thing is, if you determine once and for all that you're ok with pain, disappointment, and difficulty in pursuit of the meaningful and beautiful, you start to realize that the difficulties that go along with it aren't really so terrible. It's like taking a shot, it hurts a lot less of you accept that it's going to hurt and relax about it.

Some conversations are hard to have. Some decisions are hard to make. I'm not trying to make light of that. But hiding from those things, or trying to distract yourself from them, won't magically make them fade away. And while you're trying your hardest to avoid them, you hurt people, and you hurt yourself.

I want my life to mean something, and I'm willing to take some bruises if that's what it costs. What about you?

Hero Time

"Gaming in whatever form is my chance to right some wrongs about reality. I think I should have been a gruff ex-cop who smokes too much and wears a bandage over his knuckles, or a bestial bandit king who sacrifices himself to save the last druid, or an eccentric spymaster with too many secrets, or a terse Paladin who can’t admit he is painfully lonely or many more. What other pastime allows you this?

It was a revelation when I realized all these characters over the years were just facets of me wanting a little hero time. It makes me wonder how some people can stand to live their whole lives without being - just once- the guy (or the girl! justin) who saves the day."

Jay Watamaniuk

I read this quote in a developer blog recently and loved it. I feel like he managed to say something I've tried to get at before but never expressed quite this clearly. Stories are more than just entertainment. They are healthy. They feed us and keep us sane. They remind us that life will always be bigger than whatever we are experiencing in the moment. And while games offer the most obvious participation in a story, anyone who's ever stayed up till 3am reading a novel knows that you don't have to play a story to become a part of it.

I'm more aware of this than ever these days. I think that stories, my own and others, are keeping me sane these days, and I'm grateful.