Veritas Waits

Freewriting again

2010-02-19T10:26:00.001-05:00

Why do we stare out of windows at midnight?
Searching the night sky for something
simple, yet significant

What makes us sift through the darkness like laundry?
A list of old rhymes ever ringing,
reason to stay inside

When we are the dream of a desert nomad,
the sound of a song he has not heard,
the taste of ice and water

Where do we go when we leave our hands and feet behind?
trip through hidden keyholes in the sky
tasting the unknown and once remembered

Who plays the harmony that hums beneath the grass and trees?
sets summer toes buzzing like singing bees
the shadow lying gentle on the hot pavement

How can we have forgotten so much, yet lived so much?

We are the chipmunks of the endless universe,
hiding ancient treasures only to wake without their memory.

We are the dawning of a red sun
Sailors take warning at the once-again-begun

We skin our knees without warning,
and leave our blood and bruises on each others' upturned faces.

We are the puzzle, unsolvable and ancient
the torn down twice born
Lifting licked fingers to the freezing wind

We are the slow drip trickle of a steady change
Moving deep beneath the cornerstone of what has always been
And someday, some not-for-grownups day

We will be free

Voice

2010-02-18T11:37:00.003-05:00

I took my first Creative Writing seminar in my Sophomore year of college. It was a great class. We read a lot, did a ton of exercises and writing prompts. We spent the last half of the semester working on a longer short story; at least 20 pages of creative fiction, the story and style entirely up to us.

Of the 17 other students, I was the only one whose story didn't revolve around a romantic relationship in some way (I guess we were all sophomores in college or something...). Mine was a vaguely sci-fi story about two unusual young siblings. I loved it. Loved writing it, editing it, the whole bit. And it was really good. Not just "good for a college fiction workshop" good, but solid and meaningful in its own right.

Anyway, during the final weeks of the class everyone submitted their finished stories to the whole group, and we workshoped two or three of them a week. During the feedback on my story, one of the girls in the class started talking about a particular scene, in which the main character remembers the day she was born. This classmate started telling me how beautiful and moving that scene was, how meaningful it was to her personally because of her own relationship with her mother which she didn't go into. She started crying as she talked.

After the semester ended I didn't really think about it that much, but it leaped back to mind last night. I realized that that was the moment I decided I wanted to be a writer, that I wanted to tell stories that meant something to people and helped them look at things inside of themselves that they didn't even know they had been ignoring. And I realized that that was also the moment I took on a fear that has sat under the surface ever since.

I've been afraid that that story was a lucky fluke. That from now on my best efforts won't produce anything but "good stuff", not the kind of intangible yet powerful music that touches someone and stays with them after that put my pages down.

I think that's what a lot of us who struggle with creativity are afraid of. We fear that if we really open up and pour our hearts and everything we have into a song, painting, dance, film, story, or whatever else is jumping around inside of us, it will prove to be flat and small in the light of day. Not because we lack the skill or technique, but because in the end we just didn't have anything worth saying.

That unformed thought used to terrify me. I didn't even know that it was the reason I would just stare at blank white pages and then walk away.

But the great news is, I'm getting over it. Partly because I've been learning and growing as a writer. I've learned techniques and patterns that help me get past voices and crazy editing jitters and just start stringing words together. But mostly I'm getting over it because that fear is an evil, ugly lie.

We all have so much mystery and inspiration smoldering inside of us. We all have eyes that see the world for the first time. We all have a voice that sings and speaks like nothing else in heaven or on earth. It takes work and discipline and a willingness to open ourselves up to hurt and pain - to life in all its shades - to find it, but we all have it. It's an overwhelming and beautiful truth if you really stop to think about it.

Anyway, this is a long and disconnected ramble, but it's what I've been chewing on.

V-Day

2010-02-15T09:26:00.003-05:00

Valentine's Day sucks

Ha, so there, I said it. The truth is, I would really like to be able to enjoy and appreciate the heart-shaped holiday, but current circumstances prevent that. So I am taking a tepid bath in the oily waters of bitterness (try fitting that on a conversation heart).

It is a rather strange holiday if you think about it. In my experience, Valentine's Day general falls into one of three categories:

1. You are already happily in a relationship with someone special. The holiday is, at best, a chance to re-affirm your affections. At worst, it is a mandatory check up to make sure the man can still remember important dates and plan ahead, lest he does not pass go nor collect $200.

2. You are solidly single. Valentine's Day reminds you of this, not just on the 14th, but the day or two before and generally the day after. You get to choose between proclaiming how happy you are in your singleness, or caving in and accepting the sympathy of your non-single friends. Expect one or two Pity-tine's from people you didn't want any from in the first place.

3. You are single, but kinda-maybe-sorta-on-the-verge-of-something-with-someone-maybe. Valentine's Day is an impossible puzzle of awkward. Gift? Card? Flowers? Chocolates? Too much? Too little? Good luck!

I hope everyone had a wonderful, love filled Valentine's Day! Or at least...you know, watched a good movie or something.

Cheers!

Why so difficult?

2010-02-07T19:59:00.006-05:00

I'll stop myself short of the ever annoying "sorry it's been so long" opener. 2010 has been so full of hustle, work, and progress that the thought of trying to focus on a single thought or event has felt positively overwhelming.

So instead I'll just jump down to one very specific little tidbit, a "nugget" (for those of you who were here for breakfast this morning) of recent self-discovery.

I'm a creativity junkie. Totally hooked, dependent even. With all the aforementioned hustle, work, and progress in January I have had zero time for writing or other creative pursuits (or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I have MADE zero time...). I think the absence from blogging was connected with this. In any case, I'm suddenly realizing that the long drought has caught up with me. I'm edgy, antsy, a tad cranky. I have this never-quite-gone feeling that I'm forgetting something important. When I'm alone in my room or taking a quick trip to Safeway I have the urge to chatter or sing to myself, kind of like a kettle in that rattling five second pause before the water boils.

Why is it that Creating, something so necessary and lifegiving, is so damned exhausting and hard to set down to? I've been wondering that lately. Sleeping and eating are necessary for a body to stay healthy, but I enjoy those things, and if I ignore them for too long they kind of force my attention back again. I feel like creating and making and expressing - singing and writing for me, dancing or painting or ice skating for others - is just as necessary for our souls. So why so difficult?

Right at this moment I think it's because real creativity requires two things that aren't always fun: Honesty and Awareness. I've had certain bubbling half-thoughts swirling around in my head for a month or more, and have so far managed to avoid really sitting them down for a good talk. The few times I've attempted to set down with a pen and my neglected composition book, those thoughts and feelings demand to be dealt with first. Does this ring true for anyone else?

Maybe the reason creative expression is so necessary is that it forces us to breathe deeply and ask ourselves the unvoiced questions that have been waiting in the quiet backs of our brains. Maybe that's why it's so easy to push blank pages, white canvass, or empty stages into tomorrow.

In any case, I have a scene to finish...

Home - Away from Home

2009-12-15T16:10:00.003-05:00

I'm traveling again for the first me since moving to DC. I'm actually blogging from Mud House in Charlottesville. Feels a bit like having coffee with an old friend; lots to catch up on after so much change. I can't help but think of what was going on in my life the last time I was here, the things I was upset and excited about, and how dramatically it has all changed in such a short time.

It's been great seeing c-ville people again, getting up to date on the goings-on in the lives of these people who are so important to me. But I have been caught off guard by how quickly DC has become my home, and how strongly I'm resenting having to leave it.

I think anyone who knows me would agree that I've always been something of a nest builder. I like my space, my rhythms, my sense of place. I enjoy travel and adventure, but it always reaches a certain point of frustration and discomfort that only the trip back home can cure. Usually it takes me a few weeks to reach that point. This time it's barely taken a few days.

The thing is, it's been so long since I had a home space that I really felt ownership of that I don't think I even realized how much I missed having one at all. As we made plans to head to Williamsburg and then back to Three Hills before Christmas I definitely wasn't thinking that being gone would be emotionally difficult. Surprise, surprise.

I'm not complaining, though, just remarking on the unexpected internal changes that have accompanied the external ones. I have a home space I really want to be in, a city I really enjoy exploring, and a widening pool of amazing and unexpected relationships with some truly awesome people that I look forward to deepening. None of that was true two months ago, and now that it is, the last thing I want to do is leave, even for a short work week back in the mountains.

I guess sometimes you have to leave home for a bit to get a sense of how greatful you are to wake up there.

Working Towards the Holidays

2009-12-03T16:01:00.003-05:00

We are well and truly in the thick of the holiday season now, and I'm reminded more than ever how little my life conforms to a common schedule.

I've been working harder and better than ever over the past few days. It feels as if the Thanksgiving holiday was a giant slingshot of focus and energy that has launched me on the warpath towards Christmas.

Previously in life I always looked forward to the holidays as a time to relax, to take whole days without working and feel just fine about it. I would usually come home with project that I "really need to work on", and I'd go back to school with them too. I think maybe that was part of the fun.

But this Thanksgiving was very different. As fun as it was, the days off quickly started feeling like an imposition rather than a blessing. I enjoyed them tremendously, but by about monday I was VERY eager to just get back to work, and I have been every since. I feel the approach of Christmas as a sort of ticking clock, counting down to the days when I'll need to set work aside again.

In reading this, I realize that it might sound like cause for concern. Don't worry, I'm not becoming a crazy work-a-holic that can't enjoy holiday times with friends and family. I'm just not looking for as many excuses to avoid working as I used to, which is a very good thing. I'm waking up in the morning excited about what I'm going to tackle during the day. It feels like a very good place to be, and I'm deeply anticipating the satisfaction of having some completed projects to show for it in a month or two.

Keep an ear to ground folks, I've got some things a-brewing :)

Halloween in the City

2009-11-01T08:25:00.002-05:00

Halloween has never been a very big holiday for me. Even as a kid I never had a particularly strong desire to join in. I'm not really the "fill my pillowcase with candy and eat it by tomorrow" type, so a huge part of the allure goes out right there.

But! This year I decided to actually go out for Halloween. Found a great cabbie hat to complete my Newsie costume, and a few of us ventured into the city. I really didn't know what to expect. I'd heard some wild stories of craziness, reveling, crowded streets and scandalous costumes. As we stepped out of the metro station in U st. however we found only the mildest versions of those things (although there were definitely some scandalous costumes running around. Does it count as a costume if it does not incorporate fabric?).

We picked a direction and wandered towards it, and fairly quickly Dave's musically attuned ears picked up the sound of live music. We stepped into a bar/restaurant with a live trio playing jazz, R&B, and jazzy covers of 90s pop classics, and we ended up staying for the whole evening. The friends were wonderful, the music was awesome, and I had a heaping plate of Spaghetti and a beer.

Now that is my kind of Halloween.

NaNoWriMo

2009-10-29T15:41:00.002-04:00

Holy crap I must be insane, but I'm actually going to do this: www.nanowrimo.com

30 days + 50k words + maintaining work and social life = very little sleep in November, I imagine. But that's great, cause I've never really liked November much anyway, so this gives me something to look forward to.

Thankfully, I already have a book well outlined. I guess it would technically be cheating to count the handful of pages I've already written, but I can just compensate for that by not adding those words to my word count total or something.

So, T-2 days and counting! I'll start stretching out my fingers...

I will

2009-10-28T17:35:00.001-04:00

I've recently been re-discovering my love of declarative sentences.

"I might", "I may", "I want to", and "perhaps" have become increasingly unsatisfying of late. I've been working to replace with a simple "I will" or "I won't".

I will push myself into new and uncomfortable settings, even when I'm feeling tired.

I will blog more often, with less self-editing.

I will be clear about what I need to do for work, and move projects forward strategically each day.

I won't obsess about what I can't control.

I won't allow momentary failures or disappointments to scare me away from trying again tomorrow.

Even simpler things like saying "I will take some time off now" or, "I will follow up with that person" have been an incredible relief. Try it! It can become rather addicting.

It's encouraging to feel like I can choose and then act accordingly, no matter what circumstances are being thrown at me. It's also a bit terrifying at times. I feel exposed and defenseless when I commit to an idea, passion, or pursuit. I don't always meet my commitments, at which point I have to say "I won't wallow in guilt. I will re-adjust and try again."

I guess I'd rather be terrified and fulfilled than comfortable and constrained.

Cumulus

2009-09-15T10:46:00.003-04:00

Has anyone listened to Imogen's single Cumulus? It's a lovely instrumental track, and even without words it is the perfect summary of my life these days.

It has a bit of a questing, searching undertone, but it's very calm. It has drive, but not the kind you see right away. It's beautiful, but not the standard kind of beautiful. It's very complex, but it's built out of simple things. And it seems to go on forever.

That's all I really feel like saying at the moment. Maybe starting to post again will draw more out of me soon.

Reading, or the Lack Thereof

2009-06-16T23:33:00.003-04:00

A very good friend recently drew my attention to the fact that I haven't been reading as much over the year as I had in the past. It was one of those "true facts" that take you a little by surprise when you notice them, and I started wondering why that is.

A huge reason that I've identified so far is that I get more deeply and easily annoyed by poor writing now that I understand the craft better. I've realized that it's probably good to be a little selective about what you develop expertise in. I'm not arguing that "ignorance is bliss", so much as realizing that there is value in being able to appreciate something on a very simple level. Once you begin to really learn all of its ins, outs, ups, downs, dos, don'ts, and details, it can be difficult to just sit back and enjoy it without analyzing and critiquing.

On the flip side, though, I've noticed that I now appreciate truly excellent writing so much more than I used to. Recently I was reading one of the early chapters of a new book. The author introduced an important new character with one sentence: "Charley Feavy was a short man with dark hair and perpetually dirty fingernails." That one sentence gave me such a clear, visceral picture of this character and his personality/behavior/role in the story that it really was all he needed to say. I spent 5 or 10 minutes just reading it and appreciating all of the craft and editing that most likely went into writing that one perfect description. Those small moments of deeper awareness and appreciation more than balance out all of the crap books that I put down and never pick up again these days.

Thunderstorms

2009-06-11T12:12:00.003-04:00

There has been a thunderstorm churning outside since yesterday afternoon. Lightning keeps sparking in the distance, and you can feel the energy on your skin. Seems like the weather outside has caught up with my own atmosphere of late.

Everything has felt pressed together and rumbly lately, as if something is building, and all I can do is watch it build and wonder what is going on.

I can't exactly explain what I'm talking about, it's really just a feeling, but it's gotten intense enough to become distracting at times. Most of my life, from business to where I'm living to relationships and everything in between, is all potential energy just hanging around in the air, and it's been making me nervous.

I think I'm due for my own thunderstorm sometime soon, and I have no idea what my landscape will look like when the wind sets everything back down again.

2009-06-02T23:10:00.002-04:00

It's been way too long, but I've been feeling blog-stuck, so here's a short little piece I wrote recently, just to get things moving again:

Fire is the Song. It is the leaping flower. It is rage, love, and hope, all of the things that smolder in the heart and fill the eyes. It is the wild, calling from the top of a mountain, the first flash of the dawn star. Sing, and the fire will come.

Water is the Dream. It is the sweeping fields awaiting harvest, the taste of the future on your tongue. It is the now and never-to-be. It is the un-graspable. It is deep breathing in a dark room. It is the midnight silver on the needles of fir trees. Dream, and the water will come.

Earth is the Memory. It is the thick-bowled oak tree. It is the endless turning, the never-changing, the deep rooted. It is the stillness before a question. It is the cool clay banks that guide the river. It is the all-swallowing roar of sudden anger, the grinding of boulders, the crashing of ancient trees. Remember, and the earth will come.

Wind is the Dance. It is the soaring, swift-winged kite hawk. It is the hidden whisper and the sudden shout, the brilliant flash of lightning that strikes and is gone. It is the great-pushing, the up-lifting, the rain-bringing. It is the quick smile and the swift embrace. Dance, and the wind will come.

Things I am Learning about Living in the City

2009-05-05T09:55:00.002-04:00

1. Everything in Alexandria closes at 10pm on Mondays. If you should happen to have run out of cream for your coffee, or want some milk for cereal, you are shit-outta-luck, fella. I know it may seem like you should be able to just walk down the street and buy some, now that you live in a city, but this is a vicious lie. Even if you walk 10 blocks to the end of King street, you will not find a single restaurant, bar, or deli that is still open, so don't even bother.

2. Simply being in the city makes you more productive. You will find yourself working at odd hours, when just a week ago you had trouble getting yourself to work for an hour. You will spontaneously think of great ideas, and then actually sit down to work on them instead of putting them off for weeks until you can't really remember what you got so excited about in the first place.

3. Just being in the city will not automatically make all of your dreams come true. You will still feel lonely sometimes. You will occasionally wonder when life will move forward. But unlike living in the country, where you have endless silent hours to try not too think such thoughts, in the city you will quickly find something else interesting to capture your attention. Feelings of loneliness, frustration, or confusion will move from close to overwhelming to merely visible in the background. After all, there's that new coffee shop you haven't visited yet, and you really wanted to go spend a few hours in the bookstore this afternoon...

DC bound

2009-05-04T12:25:00.005-04:00

So much has happened in the past few weeks that I've been putting off blogging about it because I haven't really known where to begin. But I know better than that :). So, I'm going to break things down a bit and get caught up in smaller updates rather than one epic one. Today's is about moving to DC:

As some of you know, but some of you may not, I moved into a townhouse in Alexandria last week, and I've been loving every minute of city life so far. The owners of the house are friends of my parents, who spend every summer with their extended family in France, so we're house sitting for them until some time in August. Which works out to several months of rent free living in DC :).

The area itself is really cool. We're about 3 blocks from King Street, the main drag in this area, which is full of great restaurants, little shops, a book store and movie theater, etc. After a long walk with mom and dad a few days ago I discovered that there's even a cool kind of harbor/park area on the Chesapeake at the end of King Street. I'm sure I'll be spending more time there over the summer once the weather warms up.

I've never really lived in a walking district like this before, but it turns out that I absolutely love it. I've started going out for strolls to get coffee and wander around, just to be on the sidewalk with other people. I've also started taking my laptop to work at the Cosi down the street instead of staying in the house like I usually do. It's amazing how hungry I've been for this kind of thing.

I haven't really begun connecting with people yet, or exploring some of the activities that I want to do while I'm here. I'm treating it like a hot tub, easing my way in and enjoying every minute of it. It will be interesting to see how things change once I'm spending more time with friends here.

So that's my DC snippet. Here are some King street pics I took to give you a feel for the area. I'll write about some other recent life developments soon.

Pop Quiz!

2009-04-21T11:22:00.003-04:00

I wanted to shake things up a bit, so let's play a game :). I had an idea to create an internet scavenger hunt, but that's going to take a bit more work, so while I'm getting that ready let's go with a little history trivia in reverse. I'll put up a list of years or dates, and in the comments field you post any significant events that occurred in that year ("significant" being entirely up to your own interpretation). I'll try to cover a range of different time periods and kinds of events. Feel free to look around online if you want to take the easy way out ;):

1. 356 BC

2. December 7th, 1941

3. 1969

4. 1215 AD

5. 1862

Ok, for the second half I'm changing it up. Here are some riddles:

1. What eats to live but never drinks?

2. What do the poor have that the rich crave and God fears?

3. A man lies dead in the middle of the desert next to an un-opened package. That contents of the package explain his death. What is in the package?

4. A man was to be sentenced, and the judge told him, "You may make a statement. If it is true, I'll sentence you to four years in prison. If it is false, I'll sentence you to six years in prison." After the man made his statement, the judge decided to let him go free. What did the man say?

5. What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?

6. What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?

One More

2009-04-18T14:45:00.002-04:00

Here's another. I think this one is my favorite so far:

Wide Ruled

Wide ruled, the Cormorants flew
Bearing scepters, the Kings of birds
Sweaty feathered, the prophets of the Sun
They scream of doom and the birth of the new
They stir the tides of oceans with their beaten wings

In the wind and the waves I find purpose, mindless and terrifying. The rush of unstoppable will grants no quarter to the sons of earth. I long for a softer place, a haven, a fortress of warm breath and twilight curls. I know only long hours and fruitless searching, salt lips and daydreams. I am the watcher, clothed in reeds. I have no nest, no kin but the silent clouds. I have heard the hidden music of stars, but cannot share their secrets.

A wise man once said, the highest crags bear the loneliest snowfalls. What hope is there then for me, without even the comfort of stone deep-rooted and unyielding? Yet even now I know a strange companionship. I trust the wind, and laugh with stately Cormorants above the waves.

Freewriting Again

2009-04-14T12:49:00.003-04:00

It's been awhile since I've posted anything new. I'm getting ready to move to DC in two weeks, and I spent the last one in Charlottesville with some of my favorite people (both of which deserve their own posts at some point soon). In the meantime I thought I'd post some of the freewrites I've been doing recently. It's been really encouraging and just plain fun to be writing again for the sheer enjoyment of it, rather than to try and make progress on some part of my novel. I've noticed that my writing has been getting a bit more abstracted lately, which I like. Perhaps it has something to do with my own growth in this last season? Anyway here's one of my favorites:

There are no hands

There are no hands, only empty spaces

There are no feet, only bruised words

There are no swords, no plowshares, only twisted metal ripped from the earth

There are no children, only the endless becoming of more

For we slake our thirst in unwonted fountains, and feed our hunger with stolen gumdrops. We are the movers and shakers.

Like the vagabond, ragweed, tumbledown thistles, we leave no trace of our comings or goings. We will not be chained, only held with promises. We kill with our music and bless with our silent stares. We take no bread. Only the fruit of the earth sustains us, and it is infinite.

For lo, there will come a time, a silent moment, when all that was will be again, and all that will be shall endure. The earth will surrender to our pantomime, and in our sticky fingers we will hold the seeds of ages like pearls before swine. We will be the endless grains of sand, and the sun will smell our dreams like fragrant dewdrops.

All that you know is changing.

All that you hoped for has come.

Progress Once More

2009-03-26T15:08:00.002-04:00

I'm writing again! Apparently Tuesday's coaching session really helped un-stick me, as I am now the proud author of a new 6 page scene. The exercise we came up with during the session was having me come up with 10 alternate ways to write the beginning of the story, as varied and different from each other as possible. It really helped me relax, and let go of the feeling of permanence that was keeping me from making much progress. I'm really enjoying the process of just writing again. Funny what an apparently minor internal shift can accomplish isn't it?

And as an added bonus, I realized about halfway through it that this scene (which I had originally envisioned as an alternate begin that started with the antagonist of the story instead of the main character) is actually a really solid scene that I like a lot, and it fits really well at a somewhat later point in the story. It's extra fun when something I had just been thinking of as a good exercise morphs into something really cool and useful.

Also, I ate the sandwich in the picture for lunch. It was delicious.

I'm Afraid

2009-03-25T13:26:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I had my first Arts Coaching appointment with Adam Fleming. I've been feeling bogged down, paralyzed, and all around stuck in my writing project lately (I'm working on a fantasy fiction novel). It's been incredibly hard to make even tiny bits of progress. I thought it might have something to do with my writing patterns or something like that, but after some reflection with Adam I realized that my constraint isn't coming from patterns, it's coming from simple, deeply rooted fear.

I guess I just hadn't really faced into the risk that comes with creating something that really comes from your heart with the intent of sharing it. It's freakin' scary. What if it sucks? Or, even worse, what if it's just kind of generically "good" but never really touches anyone in a real or lasting way.

These kinds of fears are very very common, I know. I guess I'm just encountering mine more vividly as I've committed myself to this project in a more intentional way. It was really good to name them, though, and to plan some short term action steps to begin moving forward again in spite of them. I'm actually having fun with this again :).

I'll let ya'll know what comes out of this week, I'll have some new (fairly different) things to read soon.

J

Cooking

2009-03-15T10:50:00.000-04:00

I really like to cook.

Last night I cooked my first "home by myself for 5 weeks" meal. Up until now I've mostly been eating leftovers and frozen things (and lots of cereal). I made spaghetti, which looked like this at one point:
The funny thing is, I've intended to cook something every night for the last week, but I always ended up pulling something out of the freezer, even though I knew whatever I made would taste better. But I realized as I was cutting vegetables that I've been more than just lazy. I realized that I've actually been avoiding it.

Cooking by yourself is lonely.

My ex-girlfriend Jackie and I used to cook together a lot. We'd try new recipes and experiment with them, it was always fun.

I think it's the little, everyday things that can feel the most powerfully lonely. For the first time in my life I can truthfully say that I am settled and content with the circumstances of my life, singleness, wilderness, and all. But I really wish I had someone to cook with last night.

Easy or Meaningful?

2009-03-14T00:15:00.000-04:00

Do you want your life to be easy, or do you want it to be meaningful?

As I was eating breakfast this morning it struck me that this is one of the most fundamentally important questions I think any person can answer. I think a lot of people go through life trying to avoid pain, trying to be happy, and trying to stay out of trouble. It makes sense when you put it that way, right? What's wrong with that?

I don't think there's anything wrong with those things in and of themselves, but I think that they suck as life goals. The problem is, you can chase happiness for years, try your hardest to avoid pain, but you won't be able to, and in the meantime you'll have missed out on a lot of wonderful things at best. At worst, you'll have made some very bad mistakes.

Anything worthwhile is difficult. Relationships take work. Big dreams require risk, and sometimes risk leads to "failure". But the funny thing is, if you determine once and for all that you're ok with pain, disappointment, and difficulty in pursuit of the meaningful and beautiful, you start to realize that the difficulties that go along with it aren't really so terrible. It's like taking a shot, it hurts a lot less of you accept that it's going to hurt and relax about it.

Some conversations are hard to have. Some decisions are hard to make. I'm not trying to make light of that. But hiding from those things, or trying to distract yourself from them, won't magically make them fade away. And while you're trying your hardest to avoid them, you hurt people, and you hurt yourself.

I want my life to mean something, and I'm willing to take some bruises if that's what it costs. What about you?

Hero Time

2009-03-13T11:44:00.000-04:00

"Gaming in whatever form is my chance to right some wrongs about reality. I think I should have been a gruff ex-cop who smokes too much and wears a bandage over his knuckles, or a bestial bandit king who sacrifices himself to save the last druid, or an eccentric spymaster with too many secrets, or a terse Paladin who can’t admit he is painfully lonely or many more. What other pastime allows you this?

It was a revelation when I realized all these characters over the years were just facets of me wanting a little hero time. It makes me wonder how some people can stand to live their whole lives without being - just once- the guy (or the girl! justin) who saves the day."

Jay Watamaniuk

I read this quote in a developer blog recently and loved it. I feel like he managed to say something I've tried to get at before but never expressed quite this clearly. Stories are more than just entertainment. They are healthy. They feed us and keep us sane. They remind us that life will always be bigger than whatever we are experiencing in the moment. And while games offer the most obvious participation in a story, anyone who's ever stayed up till 3am reading a novel knows that you don't have to play a story to become a part of it.

I'm more aware of this than ever these days. I think that stories, my own and others, are keeping me sane these days, and I'm grateful.

Under the Snow

2009-02-21T16:43:00.008-05:00

I've wanted to blog for a while, but I haven't had anything I really wanted to say. Life has been slow and quiet, which I've learned to appreciate more than I ever thought possible. I'd say the most significant and interesting thing I've observed in myself lately is that I'm not angry about the pace of my life anymore. I'm not grumbling about it, although I'm still fairly confused. It's funny when God works change in us, sometimes looking back it can seem like almost nothing has changed, aside from the disposition of our hearts...which is a wonderful reminder of what He really cares about.

But what has finally prompted me to start blogging again is the wonderful snowstorm we had here two days ago. I've found myself staring out of the window for long stretches of time lately, until the sunlight reflecting back into my eyes leaves me blurry eyed and happy. Here in the mountains we don't get gray snows, the clouds always lift and for days on end you can watch the slow accumulation of animal tracks across the lawn, and watch icicles melt one drop at a time.

Nature restores me. The night of the storm I set my alarm for 7:15am so I would be the first one to go out in the new snow (that was about as early as I could manage without being grumpy). It was frigid, my hands went completely numb from holding a camera into the wind, but I couldn't help it. Everything looks different under the snow.

Then I realized as I was walking that my backyard had become a good parallel for my life these days. It's quiet, and beautiful, and really very fragile. In the middle of winter it can seem endless and you want it to be spring so badly you can hardly breath. But snow melts quickly, and there will never be another snowfall like this one again, ever.

Right now, my life is like this, and I've fallen in love with it:

Amplifiers

2009-02-08T14:13:00.004-05:00

My crazy week of feverish preparation for the Prayer Breakfast ended a few days ago, and after two lovely days of relaxing (and catching up on sleep) I'm feeling human again. The event came off quite well I think (at least the parts I was responsible for didn't have any issues) and it was incredibly rewarding and meaningful for me to be able to be a part of helping it happen. I might follow up with an entry or two on the event itself, but the biggest "take away" of the weekend had more to do with the people I spent time with. Specifically, I've been struck lately by how incredibly important the people we surround ourselves with are to what we ultimately make of our lives.

In the past when I've heard people talk about the importance of who you surround yourself with, they've usually focused on avoiding "the wrong people". But now more than ever I'm convinced that its far more important to focus on actively surrounding yourself with people who redefine "normal" for you in positive ways.

I think the people around us act like amplifiers. They pick up and magnify whatever spiritual frequency they're attuned to themselves. If it's negative, they amplify the negative voices/energy/whatever-you-want-to-call it that is being directed at you already, making it louder and more substantial. It gets harder to believe in yourself, in your dreams, in the possibility of progress. It gets harder to make good choices. I used to think that the important thing was to make sure you weren't surrounding yourself with those kinds of amplifiers.

But what I've learned from a long year and more of isolation and growth is that it isn't enough to not have negative reinforcement in our lives. We absolutely need people around us who stretch and challenge us if we want to reach for something more in our lives. This past weekend has shown me just how much I've quietly allowed myself to relax my expectations for my life, to become focused on the achievable at the expense of the truly worthwhile, and to allow myself to be intimidated out of some bigger dreams that scare me just as much as they excite me.

It's so incredibly easy to fall prey to the all too reasonable voices of doubt, caution, cynicism, and fear when we try to stand against them on our own. I think we need to see present examples of other people accomplishing large things, so that in the moments when we doubt ourselves we can draw some inspiration from what they're doing. I think we need to see other people succeeding at impossible things so that when we're tempted to settle for "good enough", we can push ourselves to believe for more.

So let me say "thank you" to all those who have amplified the voice of God in my life lately, whether you were aware of it or not (and most of you aren't). I hope I return the favor to you along the way.

If you've got Tedrepil's, I've got Rewansur's

2009-01-28T16:09:00.002-05:00

Things have been too serious lately, and no one has posted any comments. So today is crazy day.

The last two security challenge words I had to type in to comment on other blogs have been "rewansur" and "tedrepil". So, your mission (I don't really care if you choose to accept it or not, damn it), is to respond to this post with your suggested definition for these two words, which I've decided to adopt. I'll pick my favorite and start using it obsessively, so you really want to get in on this.

Ok, go!

Also, this was me today:

Books Worth Dying For

2009-01-27T10:16:00.003-05:00

Is a book worth dying for?

Perhaps a better question might be, “what makes a book worth dying for?”, since a long list of men and women throughout history, both famous and obscure, have died for a book. Looked at in a certain light, it seems profoundly irrational, or at least profoundly un-Darwinian, which is what makes it such an interesting question for me. For a long time I've been fascinated by certain uniquely human passions that are as difficult to describe scientifically as they are undeniably compelling. What is it about music that stirs us so powerfully? Why do we inhabit imagined worlds in stories and film so eagerly? And, getting back to my initial question, what makes a book worth dying for?

It seems to me there are two things that make people willing to die defending or disseminating a book: either the ideas it contains or a commitment to the universal right of other people to read it. The first is more obvious. People have often proven willing to die in defense of a compelling idea that gives their life meaning. But if you boil it down the book itself is really just the vessel for the idea. In most cases any vessel would suffice, as long as it preserved and spread that idea efficiently. The second is more elusive. Some few individuals who have died in defense of books seems to have been doing so more in defense of what access to that book represents than what it specifically says. Namely, freedom. Not just the freedom of the author to say what he or she will, but the freedom of every person to bring themselves face to face with challenging ideas on their own terms, to wrestle with them, to accept or reject them as they will, regardless of whether or not that process is convenient to those in power.

Taking it out of the philosophical realm:

I believe that 12 year olds in Quattar should be able to read cartoons and comics from America.

I believe high school students in Boise, Idaho should be able to read blogs and diaries written by their peers in Syria.

I believe that citizens in Myanmar should be able to read CNN and BBC, even if those networks are reporting unfavorably on the abuses their government keeps inflicting on them.

I believe that farmers in the Chinese heartland should be free to carry on an email dialog with their counterparts in France without fear of the government punishing them for the tone of their questions.

On October 6th in 1536, William Tyndale was publicly strangled and then burned at the stake for insisting that every man, woman, and child in England had the right to read the bible in their own language, even as King Henry VIII was fighting viciously to consolidate religious control in his own hands. In high school I was taught that Tyndale was a martyr because he died in defense of the bible. That is certainly true. But I believe Tyndale would deserve that title if he had died defending the people's right to read a one act comedic play. When it becomes a question of the freedom of information and expression, either every book becomes one worth dying for, or none of them are.

The Next 100 Days

2009-01-25T13:01:00.002-05:00

President To Face Down Monster Attack, Own Demons In Action-Packed Schedule

I think it's really cool of the White House to finally give us a more detailed look at what President Obama will be tackling within the next 100 days. It's comforting to know that when disaster strikes, he'll be ready.

Vision

2009-01-19T16:38:00.003-05:00

It's been a very full and intense week. I've grown a lot.

It's always strange to look back and realize how inherently selfish one's perspective had become. I've been realizing over the past few days that most of my sense of disorientation, lack of purpose, even panic lately is due largely to the fact that my vision had imperceptibly narrowed. Everything I was focusing on related to my own life. It was all important and significant stuff (it always is), but it wasn't enough.

I'm dreaming bigger dreams at the moment. I've been pushing out a frighteningly big idea for a non-profit digital publishing enterprise. I don't want to talk specifics yet because it's such a fresh idea, but it's single-handedly pulled me out of my recent funk.

I'm excited and nervous like I haven't been in months. I'm feeling a compelling sense of urgency again, like every minute of each day is important and meaningful. I'm scared again, in a good way. I've decided that life isn't worth living unless you're pursuing something so big that it scares you a little, but so important that the thought of not pursuing it is much more frightening.

So - once again - here's to the future, whatever it holds. At the very least it should be a very wild ride =).

Lonely

2009-01-07T20:59:00.003-05:00

I thought I understood loneliness.

I thought it was the feeling of being by yourself when the people you wish you were with are miles away. I thought loneliness was the overwhelming awareness of distance, but it isn't.

Loneliness is the overwhelming awareness of the irrelevance of distance. It isn't missing someone, it's not having anyone to miss.

Even if I could go anywhere on earth right this minute, I would still be lonely. That's a strange thought. It isn't that I don't have great friends, I have some of the best friends in the world. But sometimes being with people makes this feeling worse, and I don't know why...

Sorry, I know this is melodramatic, especially since I haven't posted in a few weeks. My holidays were great. Now I'm coming home to a home that suddenly doesn't feel like one anymore. Everything has shifted, and I have nothing tangible to center myself on. I've felt this way since last monday when I got back to Virginia. Most of the time this feeling of disorientation feels almost fun. I can appreciate the freedom, the closeness with God as we drift together in this. But sometimes it just feels scary and endless, like right now. And when it does, I think of calling someone, just to hear their voice. But there isn't anyone to call.

That is lonely.

Florida Bound

2008-12-19T09:07:00.003-05:00

Really early this Sunday morning my family and I are headed down to Florida for the holidays! Well, technically we'll be at sea for a week. Mom and dad found an amazing deal on a Christmas cruise through the Caribbean.

It's pretty amazing to me, almost hard to believe it's actually happening. This will be the first Christmas in 15 years that our family has the freedom to decide to be somewhere else for the holidays, and can afford to take a trip like this. Usually we have to be here taking care of Inn guests. It's just another sign of how quickly this season is shifting. And I can tell that I'm really ready for it, because I'm actually looking forward to sun, sand, and salt waves over snow and fireside Xmas presents. It's going to be a really fun change of pace.

I'll post up some photos and updates once we land again, but internet on the ship will be pretty expensive, so I won't be online much. Honestly, I'm kind of looking forward to that too. I plan to find a lounge chair, settling in with my notebook, and write...a lot. That sounds like total luxury to me.

2008-12-16T16:02:00.002-05:00

I've realized that I'm still not ready to be in a serious relationship. It's a little surprising, because I'm doing ok emotionally. It feels like a lot of time has passed since Jackie and I broke up earlier this year. But I've realized over the past few days that I still have some issues to work through.

I don't think I've ever really forgiven myself for how that relationship progressed, or how it ended. I'm honestly afraid of someone else being vulnerable to me again, because I don't really trust myself. The crazy part is that nothing all that bad happened, even though I'm making it sound like I did something horrible. I just realized that the relationship couldn't go any further, and I ended it, even though I knew she didn't understand.

Anyway, it's complicated...I don't exactly know what it is I'm trying to say. If emotions were physical, and that past hurt is a wound that's healed over, I discovered this weekend that there is more scar tissue there than I realized. But, at least now I know where to start looking.

FINISHED!

2008-12-10T13:43:00.002-05:00

5 seconds ago I just sent off the 5th and final DDQ Expedition, and it feels amazing! DDQ: The Journey is now content complete. After 10 months of learning curves and hard work, I'm actually almost dizzy with relief.

I still have another round of work to do polishing and refining the content, combining it into a single book, embedding DRM, cleaning up the website, etc. But today is the last day I'll ever work on the content of a new DDQ Expedition.

I'm already getting excited at the thought of working on new projects. I'll be taking the next few weeks to plan the first quarter of 2009, but I already have some ideas of what I'd like to start working on next. It feels like things are really starting to come together.

So, if you happen to see some crazy looking nutcase running around outside whooping and hollering and running in circles...I'll calm down eventually :)

Lunchtime

2008-12-08T15:32:00.003-05:00

I just had lunch with my grandpa.

I've been holed up in my room, working and eating out of my freezer mostly, so this morning I suggested we head down to the local Italian place for lunch. We just hung out, catching up and chatting. Nothing earth shattering.

And then it hit me: I am eating lunch with my grandpa. We're talking. He's involved in my life. I know a lot of people who would absolutely kill to be able to say the same thing.

It was a bit overwhelming actually. This might sound morbid (I don't mean it to), but I was very aware in that moment that someday when I'm sitting at his funeral, I would remember this lunch we were having. There was nothing in the content of our interaction that particularly stood out, but I'm so so so so grateful that I've had the opportunity to spend times like that with him over the past year or so that I've been home again. It feels like a simple but wonderful gift.

Expectations

2008-12-05T10:58:00.002-05:00

Expectations can be very dangerous.

It seems strange to say because we all have them, about everything. But I'm discovering just how much of my life has been defined by unfounded expectations lately, and it's sobering.

I always look forward to mom and dad's trips, not because I like having them gone (although they always pretend to think that), but because in the silence that follows, anything I'm not really at peace with comes to the surface pretty quickly. I have whole days during which God is basically the only person I talk to, and He always seems to have something important to say.

Over the last few days, He's been showing me how unfounded expectations lie at the root of all of the points of frustration or disappointment in my life right now, every single one. And the truth is, it's just no way to live.

You can't be disappointed in people or relationships because they aren't becoming what you had hoped they might become.

You can't be frustrated or restless with the circumstances of your life because they don't look like you had imagined they would by now.

It isn't fair to read into the words of the people around you, and then be surprised when it turns out they actually just meant what they said.

I've had several conversations with Jordan about the important difference between expectation and expectancy, but the truth is I'm an idiot when it comes to this important truth. I don't know why, but it's damned near impossible for my mind and heart not to run with all the little moments of life and spin them into a story that seems real. But, I think I'm learning to tune in more quickly, to adjust back to reality more easily, which I am very grateful for.

I'm starting to think of expectancy and expectation as two children watching their fathers paint them each a mural. The first one waits excitedly, bouncing around and laughing as each new detail is revealed. The second one picks up its own brush and tries to sneak in its own lines and colors, tries to change the shapes that emerge to suit its own little-kid preferences, and then throws tantrums when its little squiggles get calmly painted over.

Its ultimately a futile and frustrating way to live, and it spoils the simple enjoyment of watching a masterpiece unfold on its own.

I'm sorry if I've tried to repaint you lately.

The Downside of Being Your Own Boss

2008-12-03T22:46:00.003-05:00

I did not get my work done today.

It wouldn't be so bad if I had a good excuse, but honestly I was just being lazy. I really hate the feeling of looking back over my day, knowing that I could had gotten 3-4 hours of solid work in but I just...didn't.

One of the biggest challenges of working for myself has been learning to manage my own work rhythms. When things are normal I can get into a groove and be surprisingly productive for long stretches of time. But I'm still learning how to get back into that groove quickly after some downtime or a vacation like last weekend's festivities.

I suppose it's a good sign that I'm frustrated about this much sooner than I used to be. When I was still in school it sometimes took me a week or more to get myself motivated to work after coming home from breaks. But still, here we are at the end of the day and I'm frustrated with myself, and very aware that I could have been writing a "wow I can't believe how much I got done today" kind of post if I had just sat down and done my work.

Tomorrow morning I intend to do just that. I'll write about it tomorrow (which I'm saying mostly so that I have something hanging over my head, haha)

Thanksgiving Highlights

2008-12-01T13:47:00.009-05:00

Thanksgiving has come and gone. It's always been one of my favorite holidays, full of amazing food and lots of quality time with people I love. Some of my highlights from Thanksgiving 2008 are:

1) Working in the kitchen with mom and janelle. I actually really enjoy cooking. I like the Zen like process of peeling and chopping hundreds of carrots, sampling soups, conferring together about whether we should add more cranberries to the sauce. We always have music playing back in the kitchen. It's a great a excuse to hang out and chat for a few fun hours. And I may or may not have thrown some flour on janelle...

2) Lots of little kids running around. This year a lot of the friends celebrating with us had younger children, and it was so fun hearing happy laughter and crazy screams coming from upstairs or down the hall. I'm really looking forward to celebrating the holidays with a family of my own some day.

3) Lots of games! We played card games, board games, some chess, watched some movies, and just generally played together. I absolutely love having a bunch of friends around and no schedules to worry about.

4) Writing time with Zac. Well, I guess technically we were reviewing/discussing some of the stuff we've written recently, but it was probably my favorite 3 hours of the weekend. It's always great getting time to hang out with him.

5) Music! There was almost always someone singing, playing the guitar or piano, or something along those lines. I realized how much I miss singing with people.

Those are the things that jump out at me right now. I'm getting back into the flow of work and "normal life", but I've found myself smiling at a happy memory quite often over the past few days. Oh, and two days later we woke up to this:

Crazy Martial Arts performance

2008-11-27T08:21:00.001-05:00

I still wish I could do this...

My Family

2008-11-24T10:06:00.002-05:00

I've been in DC for four days. We came in to pick up my sister and hang out together for a while, before heading back to the mountains to prepare for Thanksgiving. It's been so good to be reminded of how much I completely love my family. We've eaten some amazing food, laughed, had long talks, and even had one "tense discussion".

To give you a little snapshot:

Last night we spent about 20 minutes trying to decide on a movie we could all watch together in the room. 10 of those minutes were spent in side splitting, teary eyed laughter when mom thought dad suggested we watch "Chocolate Thunder" (he asked about "Tropic Thunder"). Any family that can totally lose it and laugh for 10 minutes about a porn joke gets an A+ in my book =).

I really am very blessed. There aren't that many guys in the world who have the privilege of simply praying "Lord, help me be as of a good a father as my dad. Help me find a woman like my mom. Let my children be as close as I am to my sister."

My Winter Morning

2008-11-18T12:27:00.002-05:00

It finally happened. I've been waiting for it for weeks now.

This morning, I woke up slowly around 9am. As my eyes blinked into focus, I realized that everything outside was covered three inches of white.

It snowed last night!!!

I think you have to grow up with snow to really appreciate it. My mom hates this time of year, she just feels cold and miserable. But for me the first snow of the year is pure magic. Up here, the only thing that disturbs snowfall is animal footprints. It's like the whole world pauses and heaves a gentle sigh of sleep.

What a wonderful, wonderful way to wind down my season at home.

Quantum of Bonds

2008-11-15T12:39:00.003-05:00

Now that the new Bond movie is out, I found this trailer for an earlier version of the movie! Pretty sweet, but I can see why they made some changes:

Dancing Fog

2008-11-14T11:07:00.002-05:00

There is only fog as far as the eye can see....which isn't very far.

I woke up this morning to find my mountains completely blanketed in silver mist and rolling clouds. Up here, fog doesn't sit still, it dances. There is something very magical about it. When the world is covered like this, anything is possible. I know exactly what the mountains outside my window look like, but today there might be an endless ocean in their place. Perhaps little mountain dwarves built castles on the ridges while I slept. No one can prove for certain that they haven't.

I think I prefer to live in the fog. I would rather believe in what thrills my heart than be forced to accept that everything I see is all that there is.

Please excuse me, I have some writing to do...

Viking Dreams

2008-11-13T12:26:00.002-05:00

I just woke up from the *weirdest* dream about an hour ago (yes, I know, 11:30...it's my day off, so sue me).

I frequently have really strange, vivid dreams, but I don't usually remember them this clearly after I woke up.

Ok so as the dream started I discovered that I had been made the chief commissioner of a Baseball team! Shut up in my dream it made perfect sense =). Ok so there I was commissioning baseball teams, and in my dream that meant that I got to decide who would sit in the very best box office seats during the games, so of course I called up all of my friends. That was the part of the dream where random people I haven't thought about in *years* started showing up, and it got a little awkward.

So it turns out that the team I was commissioner of was the Vikings! And of course, all of the players were actually Vikings. Big, hairy, scary vikings with swords and axes. In my dream, all the Vikings were about 8 feet tall, they looked like comic book characters. And so none of the other teams would play with them, because they kept killing people and such (wusses). So it became my job, as chief commissioner, to try and reason with this unreasonable Vikings.

So the last part of my dream took place in this giant wooden longhouse like you see in Viking movies (I will continue to capitalize that word, because I think awesome words deserve a capital letter). Except that this wooden longhouse had couches and a fridge and a pinball machine. I guess even Vikings have to unwind somehow. So we were all sitting around the room on these couches, and the Vikings were taking turns sharing with each other about what drove their rage, and how they were going to try to overcome it. They even got kind of choked up sometimes. It was really sweet actually. A few of my friends were there trying to help me lead this Viking intervention, and there was this one Viking guy who just could not remember anyone's name. He felt so bad about it, but he just kept calling everyone Halga. Poor guy.

Anyway, then I woke up a a rainstorm outside my window as I made breakfast (lunch?). What a wierd way to start the day....

The Forbidden Kingdom

2008-11-10T21:17:00.002-05:00

I just finished watching the Forbidden Kingdom. It's that Jackie Chan/Jet Li movie from earlier in the year.

It's about a slightly nerdy guy from south Boston, who loves old Kung Fu movies, etc. Through a series of events he ends up being transported to classical China, where he discovers it was prophesied that he would bring the legendary staff of the Monkey King (which he found in a Boston pawn shop), free the Monkey King from his stone prison, and end the reign of the evil Jade Warlord. Along the way he meets friends, learns Kung Fu, begins to fall in love, and eventually succeeds in his mission and returns to his world with the confidence and maturity he was looking for.

So yeah, it was exactly as corny and goofy as that description makes it sound. It had better than average production values and acting for that kind of movie, but the story was totally par-for-the-course average. It's silly. Life doesn't work that way. Sure there are challenges, but you don't get to face them with a sword or a staff. There's really no time to learn to live from your center, to be still, to become more than whatever you are at the moment. You just have to get through one day at a time, right? Do the best you can.

I know the story was silly. I also know that I enjoyed it so much because I'd give anything to have it happen to me...

In Between

2008-11-07T18:01:00.004-05:00

It really sucks being stuck between two possible scenarios.

Have you ever been in a situation where you aren't sure whether someone knows an important piece of information, but whether they know it or not leads to two completely different situations? I don't know how to act with them, or how to interpret what they do, because it's all completely different depending on that one factor. It's pretty frustrating and confusing.

I can't really be more specific than that I guess, so this probably just comes across as vague rambling, but it's what's on my mind right now...

Post Election Thoughts

2008-11-07T12:47:00.003-05:00

Last Tuesday was an amazing day.

Whatever your personal feelings or wishes, I can't imagine that anyone could remain unmoved by the events of Election night. It was a historic evening.

Now the question becomes, "what will the next four years bring?" I've been encouraged by the emails I've seen from Christian leaders urging believers to pray for and support our new president elect. I would add that, while praying earnestly is a wonderful beginning, it's not enough. I am praying that God would surround Obama with godly men and women, intelligent and sensitive to His voice. My fear is that the christian community, through some sense of outrage or protest, will boycott Obama's administration.

In that light, I've begun to seriously consider applying for a job somewhere on the 2009 White House staff. I wasn't even considering it this time a week ago, but the thought has been growing in the back of my mind since monday. I think it's interesting that even back in June I was very clear that I wasn't supposed to make any clear commitments or plans until late January of 2009...

So I've begun doing some research and thinking about what kind of position I'd be interested in applying for. I'll keep blogging about this process as it unfolds, but consider this a formal appeal for prayer, thoughts, and support as I begin to walk this out.

Equus Information Services, Part 2

2008-11-02T09:23:00.000-05:00

**Picking up from yesterday**

4. DRM

DRM stands for Digital Rights Management, and what it means is that the media we publish is not only completely secure and copy-protected, but that it makes it very valuable to actually encourage your customers to send the file to as many people as they like.

Because we're developing these products in a proprietary format (i.e. it's not just PDFs, mp3s, etc), I can choose to allow or disable copy and paste functions, printing, and drag-and-drop on as much or as little of the product as I want. Furthermore (this is the cool part), I can embed a payment gateway right into the digital product itself. That means that if I was publishing your collection of poetry, for example, we could leave the first 2 of 20 peoms openly readable, and then create a payment wizard that pops up when someone tries to turn the page to the third one. If they don't want to pay for it, no big deal, but that's all they'll be able to see. If they want to buy the rest, they enter their credit card info (or paypal, or bank account) right there, and it unlocks the rest of the book for them on the spot.

So if they like it, they can send the file to 50 friends, and each of their friends (because they view the file on a new computer) would have the same option to pay to unlock the whole thing. An entire marketing campaign can be designed around giving your audience incentives to send the product to their friends and family, which leads me to my last point...

5. Viral Marketing

The marketing strategy I'm developing begins with getting just 100 people to buy a product, with strong incentives to send it to 10 people they think might be interested (or to send 10 people a link to the website). 100x10x10x10.....you can see where this is going. Viral, community based marketing is explosive and exponential, plain and simple, as long as you can keep your product both appealing and inobtrusive (i.e. not annoying or invasive in any way). You actually develop goodwill and a stronger sense of community/participation as you get your product in front of more people.

So, why don't more people publish digitally, if it's so great?

Well the answer is the reason I'm creating Equus in the first place. Namely, most of the digital material on the web right now is crap. Most of it is poorly designed by people with no skills or interest in graphics, layout, etc. A lot of it is actually factually inaccurate, or at least pretty pointless. It's often a total crap-shoot, which is why people are still a little leary of the idea of digital material (calling something an "e-book" does not carry very possitive connotations these days).

Equus intends to help address that by developing a strong brand recognition for quality, accessibility, and accuracy. Basically, if it's published by Equus, you'll be able to expect a certain standard of excellence. The file will work, the content will be quality, and the design will be professional.

Beyond just the quality standard, however, I really want Equus to become associated with a certain way of thinking. Do you love to learn? Are you interested in a lot of random topics? Do you like to be stretched creatively, artistically, and intellectually? Are you always looking for opportunities to discover new ideas?

Yeah? Then you'll love Equus. Start by finding some things that interest you - a new album of Sitaar/rock fusion, a short documentary on relief efforts in Somalia, or a volume of creative photography (these are all actual things I've been thinking of publishing. If you happen to recognize something you're working on in that list...we need to talk ;-) ). From there, you'll be introduced to other interesting projects and material that you never would have known to look for, based on your interest. That's the long term vision, anyway...

So that's the (longer than I expected) breakdown of what I've been spending the majority of my time developing over the past 8 months. I know there's a lot of text to wade through (compared to my normal posts at least), but if you guys have any thoughts, ideas, questions, or suggestions, I would LOVE to hear them. Seriously, I would find it very very helpful.

And since I know there are a greater than average number of creative/artistic types out there, be thinking about Equus as a way to publish material. The format is ideal for smaller, bit-sized content, so you don't need to have written an 800 page opus, or completed your epic rockopra symphony yet. If you have something you've always wanted to create, though, maybe this would be a good time to take a look at it again. Just something to think about ;-)

Equus Information Services

2008-11-01T13:07:00.004-04:00

I realized the other day that I mention "Equus" a lot on this blog, but have never officially said anything about it. So, I wanted to go ahead and give a run through of the company and its concepts, both because it's becoming a hugely important part of my life, and also because it's good practice for me to give talk through the current "elevator speech" every so often :).

Equus Information Services is the umbrella name for the sole proprietorship I established in January of this year. It covers anything technical or organization that I get paid for (working with dad on GDI systems, for example). But my primary focus is on a division within EIS, Equus Digital Publishing. (Keep in mind, this is all symantics at this point, but I'm trying to keep the company structure clear now, so that I don't create problems for myself down the road).

What is digital publishing, you ask? What a great question!

Digital publishing is similar to traditional print/media publishing (book houses, movie studios, record labels, etc). We help an author, artist, or euntrepenuer to has material they want to release think through the best format for that material. We help them edit it, and create the final version of the product. Once it is ready for release, we help them form a marketing and distribution plan, and then handle sales of their product, paying them a royalty for every purchase.

The difference is, as the name implies we only publish fully digital content, which is where things get fun because as far as I know, we're the first company to do that. It might not sound that significance, but the difference in format has massive implications. Let me go over a few:

1. Sucess Threshold
This is a term I've coined recently (although I may have picked it up somewhere and forgotten) to describe the "break even" point that justifies publishing a product. Basically, a publisher needs to be relatively confident that a book or movie or what-have-you can sell X number of copies in order recoup the expenses of publishing it and turn a profit. The biggest factor in determining a product's success threshold is the costs involved in getting it published, printed, and out to market so it can be sold. Pretty self explanitory.

Traditional print/media can have very high costs associated with this front end development, and the costs continue to rise. It's the main reason the various media markets have been contracting. It's becoming harder and harder for a publisher like Penguin Books, for example, to justify printing books they know will sell well, but have limited appeal, and it's becoming harder for them to arrange for the few remaining major book retailers to carry it on their shelves. Everyone is looking for the next Harry Potter or Twilight. A decade ago, 5,000 sales meant a book was well worth printing. Today, that almost guarantees that it won't see daylight, even if those 5,000 sales were a total "sure thing" (a small but entheusiastic fan base, e.g.).

A lot of smarter and more experienced people have written about "the death of the midlist" before. Niche genres like poetry volumes, short films, short stories, fringe music genres, etc are languishing. Given that they don't cost significantly less than blockbuster or mainstream products to publish, fewer publishers can justify taking them on, even if they are of exceptional quality.

Enter Digital Publishing! Frankly, it's stunning how inexpensive it is to create, market, and distribute digital material if you avoid having to produce a physical accompanyment. We're talking hundreds - or even just tens! - of dollars in costs, compared to tens of thousands. What this means is that Equus can justify publishing products that we're reasonably confident would sell in the hundreds, not just the tens of thousands. In fact, that's the business plan for the first few years.

2. Digital Marketing and Distribution

You have no idea how many headaches are instantly solved by the fact that our products are all downloaded rather than shipped. Everything from manufacturing agreements, shipping, product placement deals with vendors, and on and on. Aside from being rather complicated, the costs of all of those things add up quickly. In comparisson, a website capable of hosting files and payment gateways costs maybe $40/year....

But the digital environment also simplifies marketing and advertizing. Three words: Google click-through ads (ok the hyphen might make it 3.5). Rather than paying for ad space on TV and in magazines, and hoping you did your research well enough that a significant number of your target market sees your ad (but paying for it regardless), click-through ads allow you to place a short blurb through Google that is displayed in a column on the right of the screen whenever someone searches for keywords that match your ad. Which means that the only people who see it are ones who are already generally interested in the topic or genre of your product. On top of that, you only pay a small premium when people actually follow the link to your site!

There are lots of other options for digital marketing and distribution, but that gives you a pretty good idea of how significant this is.

3. Royalties

The current royalty-based system sucks. Badly. The artist that creates the piece works their ass off and gets 5%, maybe 10%-15% if they're lucky or already famous.

Yes, the publishing process is complicated, expensive, and important. But it's not 90% of the process of taking something from a great idea to a finished product ready to be sold, so why should publishers take 90% of the profits? Basically, they do it because they can. There just aren't any other viable options.

Equus' royalty system is based on effort. The entire 100% profit from a sale is divided between the artist and the publisher on a "who did what" basis. 30% is set aside for Equus, which covers all of the expenses of marketing, distribution, and ongoing support of the product. The remaining 70% is divided based on who handled the various aspects that needed to get done to get that product to market. Content development, formating and design, process development, and other roles all have a percentage of sales assigned to them. Once Equus agrees to publish something, a deal is signed on who is going to take care of the things that need to be done to make sure that the product meets Equus' quality standards (because Equus is also a development house that can help with as much or as little of the actual design and development as needed), and the royalty is determined based on that agreement.

Bottom line, if the artist does most of the work, they make most of the profit. The more work Equus developers have to take on to get the material finished, the more they take from each sale. Makes sense, right?

**EDIT**

This entry got much longer than I had planned, so I'm going to move the second half into a new post tomorrow.

Contentment

2008-10-28T13:23:00.002-04:00

I'm under the covers because its gotten quiet cold. When I woke up with morning there was a full blown windstorm raging outside (pun intended, hehe). I haven't heard the wind run that loudly in a long time.

This is kind of how my life feels right now. My world is small and contained, not exactly the way I want it but full of good and wonderful things at the same time, and I'm content with that. Every so often I hear the world outside making noise, but I feel more like a curious little kid standing on his toes to see what's making all that racket.

A lot of my friends are really dealing with life right now. The last week was pretty rough on a lot of people I care about. It makes me wish this journey was easier somehow. I know that there's no other way to learn to trust than to live through seasons where trust is required...but it still just feels hard sometimes. I'm struggling to stay calm, if that makes any sense. I have to keep remembering to come back to center, keep remembering that God has me here, nothing is wrong, I don't have to understand it to appreciate it.

Dad said yesterday that some time soon I'm going to look back on this season as a rich and wonderful time that passed very quickly. I'm sure he's right, but at this very moment, I'm wondering exactly how long I'm going to be bundled up in my room by myself...

What a Beautiful Mess

2008-10-24T01:52:00.003-04:00

I just finished recording a song!

My wonderful friend Blanche has been here visiting this week, and tonight we finally sat down to record some music together, which we've wanted to do for years.

It's really incredible the kind of quality you can get out of a mac running Garage Band, I was stunned. I mean, it's not perfect, but it sounds good enough that its easy to forget that we were just sitting in front of a laptop.

So, the only finished song we have right now is a cover of A Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz, which also happened to be my favorite song from the night. The best part is that we recorded the whole song in our very first full take. As in, sit down, hit record, done. Blanche just learned this song a few days ago, and she just improvised this amazing harmony, because she's awesome like that.

Anyway, I'll stop ranting and just post the song for you. I'd love to know what you all think!

Oh....Danny Boy

2008-10-20T18:15:00.001-04:00

This just made me really happy =)

"Those" Guests

2008-10-19T12:25:00.003-04:00

I get so tired of people sometimes...

Today was not fun. I had to deal with "those" guests. Every year we always get some of "those" guests here at the Inn. People who come already determined to not have a good time, find fault, and who basically are dead set on getting as much of a discount as possible.

Things range from the ridiculously nit-picky to the utterly imaginary. This morning's list included:

1. Our path was not well lit enough, and very dangerous
2. The water in the sink didn't run strong enough
3. There were little bits of leaves on the floor (which they insist they did not track in themselves, even though the ground is, you know...covered in leaves)
4. The room was chilly when they arrived
5. The room was too hot when they went to bed
6. The sheets were obviously dirty (because, of course, our housekeeper would clean the whole room but just leave dirty sheets on the bed. That makes sense right?)
7. The foyer was a mess when they came downstairs, there were beer bottles everywhere (I found out later that the bottles were left by their relatives who were staying with them, who stood there and didn't say a word about it. Actually, they kept asking if I had left them....)

And on and on. It's just so frustrating because, as obviously ridiculous as it all is, there really isn't much you can do about that. You have to smile and apologize, and give them some kind of discount before they'll shut up and leave.

I think it comes with being a Bed and Breakfast. People expect amazing service and ammenaties, but want to pay hotel prices or less because we're in a remote area.

To be fair, the vast majority of our guests are nice, interesting people who say over and over how wonderful everything is, how it's much more than they were expecting, that they hope they can come back soon, etc. We hear that all the time, which is why it's even more absurd when someone comes in absolutely determined to be miserable. I can't imagine what it must be like to go through life that way...it must be exhausting.

I'm an elitist?

2008-10-15T12:10:00.000-04:00

I'm beginning to suspect I might be a bit of an elitist.

I've been avoiding writing about the current political campaigns, although I've been following the process closely since the early days of the primaries. But lately things have reached such a low point that I'm starting to tune out. The increasingly negative tone of both campaigns is really getting old, and it only seems sillier in light of current affairs. They're both guilty of a little pointless mudslinging lately, although I have to say that the level of dishonesty and downright nastiness coming from the McCain camp lately has been particularly shocking and offensive (isn't this the guy who swore to run a clean and honorable campaign after getting shit-stormed himself by Bush in 2000? Seems like he of all people ought to know better).

But, as frustrating as it is, I'm enough of a realist to know that all of this is, to a certain extent, just politics. What has been deeply troubling me over the past week or two has been the responses of "normal" people around the country, many of whom seem only too willing to gleefully accept whatever their candidate throws out there, even in the face of clear contrary evidence, just because they like how it feels. Take, as an example, McCain's constant insistence that Obama plans to raise taxes on American families. It happened again in the last debate. McCain mentioned in passing Obama's plan to raise taxes, and during his 2 minutes Obama once again laid out very clear his proposed tax plan (tax cuts for 90% of families and small business tax credits/loans, with raised taxes on families making over $250,000 a year, as well as on coorporate income). Not too long after, McCain was talking about how Barrack plans to raise taxes on middle class families....what??

Now, if McCain has a legitimate issue with Obama's stated tax agenda, that's just fine. He should explain what it is and what he proposes as an alternative. But I am getting SO TIRED of his apparent belief that he gets to make up whatever facts he likes, as long as he just never acknowledges contrary evidence and keeps acting like they're true.

Another small rant along a similar vein, I was stunned when McCain criticized Obama for "voting against the funding of our troops in Iraq", (Barrack voted against a funding bill that had no stated time table for troop withdrawls) when he did the exact same thing himself on a similar funding bill that did stipulate time limits. Now again, if he wants to criticize Obama for insisting on a time table, that's just fine, go right ahead and make that case. But this overblown charge of "lack of patriotism", as if someone Barrack actually wants to cut off funding for our soldiers in Iraq, is just ridiculous. And what's worse, McCain knows it.

So....what does my little tirade have to do with being an elitist? Haha, that's a good question, I got a little sidetracked. The reason I started with that observation is that I've been getting increasingly frustrated that so many people seem content to just accept all this garbage without doing the slightest bit of research or fact checking for themselves (which is so easy to do these days). It honestly pisses me off that this kind of stuff really sticks for a large number of people, people who actually have little to no real information about the candiate they are supporting. The "elitist" part is that I'm getting really frustrated that my life is so intricately tied to the choices of a lot of stupid or lazy people.

I know that sounds really strong, but the funny thing is that I'm actually a strong supporter of the democratic process. It's just that in my mind, the ideal of the "democratic process" is based on informed citizens making difficult choices. And just to be clear, I'm not at all saying that somehow I want everyone to vote like I do, not in the least. I'm totally comfortable with people voting based on opinions and ideologies that I totally disagree with. I just want them to do it based on real information and some considered reflection, not this stupid knee-jerk, name calling political farce.

I've been thinking lately that it would be a really good idea to mandate a short, 5 or 6 question quiz about the actual policies of the candidate they want to vote for. I'm thinking of very general, multiple choice kinds of questions about the candidate's major foreign and domestic policy proposals. Frankly, if someone can't do that then I don't really think they have the right to cast a vote. As an added benefit, the canditates would be highly motivated to very clearly lay out their positions and use their resources to educate their supporters, or risk losing votes.

There was a good reason that classical democracies (including ours when it was founded) restricted the right to vote to those who owned property. They wanted votes to be based on sound consideration by citizens who had a real stake in the outcome, not on political manipulation of a large mass of un-informed people. And yes, I know that that kind of classism carries its own set of ugly problems (more than its worth I think), so I'm not proposing a return to feudalism or anything. I just think that we would all benfit from treating the right to vote as something precious and important, both a gift and a serious obligation.

See...I told you I'm an elitist ;-)

This is definitely one of those posts where I would love to hear people's thoughts.

A Jumble of Things

2008-10-11T11:52:00.003-04:00

Here's a collective, "in no particular order" snapshot of my life these days:

Fall is fully underway, in fact I think the leaves will mostly be on the ground in a week or two. But it has certainly been a beautiful few days. When I wake up early the view from my third floor window is really breathtaking, all cloud soaked valleys and early morning sunlight tracing the tops of trees. Grandpa gathered a huge trailer load of apples from a neighbors untended trees, and found someone in the area who owns a cider press. That's right, for the past three days I've been drowing in tart, delicious, fresh pressed apple cider! He made close to 60 gallons of the stuff =). I'm planning to make apple cider pancakes for breakfast tomorrow.
October traffic in the Inn is picking up. We have a (mostly) full house tomorrow and for the next three weekends. I'm actually enjoying cruising around the kitchen fixing breakfast, chatting with guests as they come through. Its amazing how much more fun it is when I'm moved in up here. It doesn't feel like I'm just killing time on the job anymore, which is great.
I've started really playing music again. I've found myself sitting with my guitar for several hours most of the past week. I love the tangible feeling of getting better, of being better able to play what I'm hearing in my head, of picking a song that I've always loved off of my iTunes and learning it. I'm even starting to write a few myself, slowly. It feels wonderful.
I woke up today thinking about my story again. It's been weeks since I've had any desire to actually write. I've noticed this pattern pretty clearly in myself: I get a strong creative urge and a write up a few chapters, and in the process I stumble on new ideas, or discover holes or "blank spots" in the plot or characters that I didn't know were there. Then I go into a kind of "hibernation" stretch where I really have no desire to write, even as my mind comes back to the setting or plot points every so often. I muse and daydream. I usually get a flash of an idea or two that I really like, but it takes a while for them to sink in and become a real part of the fabric of the story. Then, one day I wake up and I'm just ready to go at it again. I'm excited and inspired, the pieces I've been feeling my way around have all clicked together into a whole shape. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to really make consistent progress forward...but every time I go through this cycle, the story gets richer and more refined, and my writing improves in general. Thankfully, I finally don't feel an artificial pressure to try and press through for some reason.

So, that's life for me, more or less. I've been very quiet lately, tasting and lingering on all the little pieces of this season of life. I've been sitting in front of a lot of fires, which always makes my world seem warmer. There are hard parts. Sometimes the silence feels more lonely than comforting. Sometimes I catch hints of the future, like a new scent on the wind, and for a moment I feel this intense urge to move on from here and follow it.

But mostly, I am content, and honestly that surprises me a little bit. It wasn't too long ago that I definitely wouldn't have said that, and I don't really know when that changed, but I'm glad that it did. Everything feels very subdued, but powerful. The melancholy moments all seem to be balanced by quiet hours where I feel more peaceful than anything else. Life feels like a gift, even the parts of it that I don't understand, and for the first time in a long time, I don't think there is anything I would change if I could.

My Place

2008-10-05T16:24:00.002-04:00

For the first time in almost two years, I have my own place (two years...my how the time passes), and I'm a little shocked at how absolutely, amazingly, overwhelmingly happy it has made me.

The past two days have been equal parts moving things in and putting things away, rummaging through old boxes and drawers, and lounging in my new digs. It's probably been the best weekend I've hand in months. Every time I find a old favorite book, or a useful dish or piece of furniture, it's like digging up buried treasure. I'm actually looking forward to getting some posters and art pieces for walls again.

The only thing I haven't gotten to do quiet yet is fill my kitchen with food and cook a meal for myself, since I'm on this fast. But man, when the end of the month rolls around, I am going to cook a big, multi-course meal of some sort and host everyone up here for dinner. I can't wait.

The Value of Discomfort

2008-09-28T14:13:00.002-04:00

I'm learning how to value discomfort.

In the past, my response to a few days of feeling generally grouchy, lazy, listless, cranky, icky, or any other kind of bad state that ends in y was generally "what's wrong with me?" followed quickly by "what can I do to escape it."

I still don't particularly enjoy finding myself in those states, but what I'm learning is that its almost always because of something deeper that I'm not aware of. Just like nerves use a pain response to alert us to dangers we might not otherwise be aware of, discomfort has been pointing me to internal and external factors I wasn't even really paying attention to. Such as:

1. I've had lingering little financial odds and ends that I've needed to take care of all month.
2. My room was a total mess. Papers, books, and clothes were scattered around in little piles, the result of too much traveling and not enough shelf space.
3. I haven't been exercising, or even eating particularly healthily lately.
4. It had been a while since I'd consistently done something really creative (music, writing, etc)
5. Most importantly, I haven't been regularly taking time and space to just be alone with God and with myself.

In other words, even though I was "keeping on top of everything", my life was increasingly out of balance, and it was all manifesting in general feelings of "ick". I'm glad I've started learning to listen to those feelings though, rather than trying harder and harder to avoid them by escaping into games or tv or naps or whatever. I've been busy the past few days, but I feel better than I have in a while.

Stuff I Keep Meaning To Do

2008-09-27T13:50:00.003-04:00

I'm tempted to not write anything.

I've been circling around my blog for the past few days, but I never quite post. I've had some fun experiences worth posting about lately. I was in NY for a few days with Janelle and friends for my birthday. I've been thinking about stuff. Life is happening. But somehow I'm just not inspired to write about.

So for now, this will have to do. I'm really looking forward to settling back into a rythm here in the Hill. I've been getting increasingly agitated, fighting off that feeling that I'm overlooking important things. I feel like I'm juggling several open loops that I just want to close, relationally, work related, even physically. My list of "stuff I keep meaning to do" is getting a bit too long.

So that's what I'll be focusing on over the next few weeks. It might be a little quiet until I make some progress.

Digital Freewrite

2008-09-22T14:39:00.004-04:00

Here we go. I've never done a free write straight on my blog before, but I don't have my notebook with me. I'm going to just write spontaneously, don't expect to read too much into it:

Blank spaces mix leaves like a blender,
A slender jungle path in silent gray.
Move with the breeze along the branches of trees,
Swallowed whole.

Washed ashore in bits and pieces,
Leaping trout-like up again, exploring new found beaches.
Where's the end, the water-sent fresh break from old foam?
Send it soon.

Flight bound through metal clouds, aqueous,
Born down by water-weight dripping from hidden wings
Sweat of motion dries in the sun
But lingers on the skin.

Not - Blah

2008-09-20T10:47:00.002-04:00

It's amazing how much your emotional state can adjust in a day or two.

I went for a long walk after my post yesterday. Pulled off my shoes and scuffed through the grass, crunched through gravel, ran my fingers down the ridges of tree bark, took really deep breaths, took pictures in the evening sunlight. It's so beautiful outside this time of year. The leaves are just turning yellow, the air is crisp but not quite cold. The world is well.

All of that stuff that was overwhelming me before is still there, but it feels like the wave has passed. It's just stuff again. It's important, but I can handle it.

I was thinking, as I drove through the mountains on my way back from Charlottesville the other day, that I'm really happy with my life right now. No, I love my life right now. There are things I'm dreaming about, hoping for, but for the first time in a while I'm really ok with not having them yet. In fact I'm kind of enjoying it.

I'm enjoying the freedom, physical and emotional, to be where I am with no pressure to be anywhere else. I can make choices on a whim, and I'm loving the freedom. I don't think I want to change any of that just yet.

I went to a Tai Chi class on monday. It was amazing to be moving and thinking in martial arts terms again, but it was so different from what I'm used to. There was something so beautiful and powerful about moving slooooooowly, precisely, engaging each movement and each moment fully. I've been learning to live life that way, and its really been a stretch for me, but I think my "life muscles" are getting used to it, enough so that I'm starting to enjoy it rather than endure it.

Blah

2008-09-18T09:03:00.000-04:00

What a day...

It all feels like it's hitting at once. 10 things to do and which do I start on? It's worse that it's half a dozen different kinds of things, most of them related in some way. Can't scratch this until I finish that, etc etc and some of it is just plain outside of my control. I don't usually let it all get to me, but today it just all feels like too much, and I want to just take a nap or something.

Sometimes the growing up part of growing up sucks.

Edinburgh

2008-09-14T09:57:00.009-04:00

I decided yesterday that I really, really want to go to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival next year.

For those of you who don't know, the Fringe is one of the largest (if not the largest) independent music and performing arts festival in the world. It's held in Edinburgh, Scotland every August, when nearly 19,000 performers in hundreds of venues across the city perform innovative, even cutting edge pieces. I went several years ago with my family, and it was absolutely amazing. Crazy dance routines, singing groups, this quartet of crazy marimba players, and one of the best guitarists I've ever seen. There's also a ton of theater, comedy, etc. and a good many shows are performed free.

While the Fringe is going on, the streets of Edinburgh fill with buskers, food stalls, street performers, and tons of people from all around the world.

So, here is my proposal: I've figured that if I set aside $50-$75 every month from now until next August, and maybe work some extra hours or a few odd jobs, I'll have enough by next year to buy tickets and stay in Edinburgh for 1-2 weeks during the Fringe. Hostels are a great, cheap (and surprisingly comfortable) option, and food is reasonable. The point is, it's really workable, and I'm going to do it.

And here is my pitch: Anyone who wants to go on an adventure with me is invited. I'm being very serious about this. The Fringe runs from August 7th-30th next year, so I'm thinking that even people who have classes starting really early could go for at least a week. So, if anyone would like to dream with me about taking a trip of a lifetime, let me know, cause I'm starting to plan.

Here are some photos to entice you:

Internal Honesty

2008-09-11T12:40:00.004-04:00

I'm learning how to be more honest with myself.

It's funny how often I avoid fully acknowledging how I'm feeling, or what I want, or whatever, because of some weird fear that naming it would be selfish, or would be giving it power if it's something "bad".

Example: Two days ago I really did not want to work. You know that point when every 10 minutes feels like an hour? Ironically, I've just come out of a week where I didn't work all that much, but I was emotionally and physically wiped out from the intensity of everything that's been going on around here lately. Not too long ago, I would have just tried to push through. I don't think I would have even stopped long enough to listen to what was really going on. Anyway, this time I did and I really acknowledged where I was at. I gave myself the day off (thank God I'm working for myself), and just vegged all day.

Now, two days later, I've gotten far more done than I ever would have if I'd been fighting that same fatigue the whole time.

Another Example: I've been feeling lonely these days. Like, really deep-in-your-gut lonely, not so much for people to interact with (I've had enough of that lately, lol), but for that intimate kind of life-sharing connection. Usually, I just sort of vaguely acknowledge these kinds of feelings. I know it may seem weird, but it's always felt like pointless whining to me. "So this is how a feel...so what?"

And honestly, I've been realizing that I've got a bit too much of a tendency towards "noble suffering" in me. Maybe it's an older sibling thing, maybe it has to do with personality, but I really tend to put my own needs (especially emotional ones) last. I'm going to be fine, the logic goes, so why take up emotional space and attention that other people probably need more than I do.

Thing is, that pattern is really more about hiding than anything else.

During Fusion, an old friend of mine mentioned how much time he spends reading the Psalms, and it really struck me. There is something profoundly healthy and healing about just screaming out how I'm feeling to God. Not in search of resolution or solutions, although those do come sometimes, but just because we've got to let these things out into the open sometimes.

And what I've been discovering is pretty cool. Hang on, cause this is a really big, shocking insight. You ready?

God is not like us. Stunning, I know.

What can I say, I learn slow sometimes.

But I'm realizing how much I've been projecting my own character onto God. Truth is, if I had to listen to me going on about how I'm feeling all the time, I'd probably smite me and get it over with.

But I've been discovering (with a more than a little surprise, honestly) how eager He is to listen, and how little what I have to say is shocking Him. The house has been quiet and empty, so I've been singing really loud, and sometimes even saying these things I'm feeling out loud.

Don't look at me like that...

Anyway, I know it's been healthy, because I haven't felt this good in a long time. Not superficially good because everything is the way I want it. It isn't. But all of those things are shared now, and I don't feel so alone in them. I have a clearer understanding of some things I didn't even realize I was feeling, and I don't feel so owned by them anymore.

So, what are you dealing with these days? How does it feel? And have you told Him about it? Sorry if I'm starting to sound a little preachy, but this is what I'm living in right now.

A loss for words

2008-09-09T19:32:00.003-04:00

I made a discovery today.

I've always known that after a long stretch of being around people, I need to get some space and "re-charge" for a bit. At the same time, one of my favorite ways to relax is to spend time with someone, or maybe a few people at most, just hanging out in the same room. There's something really comforting about sharing the same space with people you enjoy and care about.

So, my discovery today is that I don't think I've been needing breaks from people all these years, not directly at least. I realized that what I need is to take breaks from speaking.

I haven't said a word out loud all day, and its been kind of wonderful. I think I just need time every now and then to escape into my own head for awhile. That's the great part about really close relationships. People that know you that well are ok with just being together, doing whatever we're each doing, barely talking.

Autumn arrives

2008-09-08T10:38:00.000-04:00

The leaves are starting to turn outside. We're heading into my favorite season again.

There's something so beautifully serene and sophisticated about the turning of the trees. The air gets crisper and you can smell the change hanging lightly like apples in the wind. Behind everything, there's a wry smile. I think the world knows that its dying, for a while, and it's showing everything off before the snows come. But there's little hints of the spring that's coming on the other side, fresh fruits and flowers, harvests and festivals. It's a wonderful time.

I love the smell of wet leaves on the ground.

I love the smell of apple cider and cinnamon bubbling on the stove.

I love the sounds of Thanksgiving dinner.

I wonder if our favorite seasons say something about who we are. I've always felt a little like Autumn. So here's a toast to another season turning, and to lots of wonderful people and memories to be thankful for this year. If anyone wants to share a mug of cider by the fire, you know where to find me.

Song: Summer Fields

2008-09-06T12:07:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you're just stuck.

I hate being caught in situations where everything you could do has a downside, so your only really viable choice is just to...wait. Hope for change on its own. Be patient.

I know it's best, but it still sucks sometimes, that's all.

I'm driving mom and dad up to DC this afternoon, then taking my time driving home by way of Charlottesville, so I'm hoping some time to myself off of the hill will give me some time to think and pray. I feel like everything's been moving so quickly that I haven't had any time to slow down and just breath.

I've also decided to undertake a major room overhaul/organization run when I get home. My space is a total mess, since lately I've only really been home long enough to wash clothes and re-pack a suitcase. And as of yesterday, I have mucho-important business documents (hurray for progress!) that I need to create a filing system for.

So, at least I have lots to occupy myself with over the next few weeks. Perhaps October will look different than I expect.

Paper Standard vs Digital Standard

2008-09-04T10:50:00.002-04:00

During Fusion I lead a breakout session on the current state of technology. The GDI network is increasingly transitioning into online community as things get even more decentralized, but a lot of our more "chronologically advanced" people have been having a hard time adjusting and learning to operate comfortably in a virtual community.

I've been the point person for a lot of the things we've launched in this arena, so I've fielded a lot of questions and concerns. The one comment I heard overwhelmingly more than any others was, "I want to join in and start posting, but I'm worried that I won't do it right." At first, this really confused me. How could you "post wrong?" I spent some time thinking about it, however, and I realized that this disconnect is due in large part to two different standards for establishing the value of information, Paper and Digital.

With the creation and standardization of the printing press in the mid 15th century, Western culture transitioned from a Verbal standard to a Paper one. Prior to that time books were rare and very expensive, having more in common with works of art than a Barnes and Nobles shelf. Most information traffic was verbal, passed between friends and neighbors, shared by merchants in commercial hubs, or preserved by bards, storytellers, and other entertainers. Information and ideas were intangible and rarely consistent.

The printing press made the written word widely available and cheap. A huge range of content, from political pamphlets to sonnets, plays, and illegal bibles flooded Europe. But as inexpensive as information had become, it still cost something. The expression "that wasn't worth the paper it was printed on," underscores the fact that the value of information had become the price of a piece of paper. Until a few years ago that hadn't changed. Processes and tools have been refined, making everything even cheaper and easier to distribute, but that standard of value was still tied to paper.

Until early in this new millennium. Five or six years ago we crossed a point where digital information became less expensive than physical print media, and the real cost of digital information has been moving closer to $0.00 ever since. As the network grows, the individual connections within the network become more cost effective (i.e. an internet connection today buys you more than it used to). In other words, we're now operating on a new standard for establishing the value of information.

Most of us wouldn't fill pages of notebook paper with every random thought that comes to our head, or try and have fun, pointless little chats by passing notes all day. We'd end up with trashcans full of "wasted" paper. But that's exactly what we're learning to do online, because all we're using to do it are little strings of 100110101001. That's the disconnect I'm trying to help a lot of our GDI friends grow out of. If you stop to think about it, two people wouldn't normally stare silently at each other, waiting to say something because they aren't sure they'll "get it right". We're not that sparing with our words because we haven't been taught that they cost us something (I'm talking real costs here, in dollars or other resources, not intangibles like emotional or relational costs. Those can be very high).

Anyway, that's something I've been thinking about lately. It's going to be fascinating to watch what we do with this growing freedom, especially once we really begin to realize the process of multiple, integrated media forms (video, text, music, audio, etc.). This is a fun time to be alive.

Brain Magic

2008-09-03T16:34:00.003-04:00

Well, Fusion is finally over. I slept a ton yesterday (in bed by 10pm!!), and I'm beginning to feel somewhat normal again. I'm finally able to get down to business, and I've made a good amount of progress on work things today, so that's a relief.

I've got two or three more involved posts about things I've been thinking over these days, but I'm saving them until I've got some mental/emotional energy to spare. Until then, here's a wild video I just found on TED. I love this kind of thing.

Keith Barry Does Brain Magic

Reading

2008-08-29T23:14:00.002-04:00

I'm totally exhausted.

It's been a long day, and tonight I read some of my poems and short stories for the first time since I was a kid. It completely exhilarating and I loved it, but I'm also totally wiped out now. It feels great.

I'm going to bed, but I just wanted to throw this out there. I love stories.

I Frustrate Me

2008-08-26T19:45:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling heavy.

I'm walking under the weight of expectancy, every day, thinking something might change and going to bed knowing it hasn't.

I hate feeling like the better my moments are, the more they reminded of what I think I'm missing. It's a silly way to live.

I guess I'm just lonely. That's ok, right?

New Bloggers

2008-08-26T15:48:00.002-04:00

Two more names have come off my blogging anti-list lately. Jordan Miller and my wonderful mom have each started their own. Looks like I'm either going to have to take the list down completely, or find someone else to harass...hmmm.

Here are links to their blogs, but I've also added them to my blog roll on the left, so check them out some time.

http://cfike.blogspot.com/

http://humbleragamuffin.wordpress.com/

A Longer Silence

2008-08-25T13:01:00.004-04:00

I must make a confession: I've had opportunities to blog over the last week, but I haven't taken them.

I've been busy, it's true, first with people and work at home, and then with the DSC conference here in Ashville since last Thursday. But the truth is, I've fallen into the trap of feeling obligated to have something "worth saying" to blog about. I'm going to stop doing that.

Ironically, though, I actually do have something to say today. I just got home from a mini DSC event down in Ashville, which was extremely fun. I'll share my two favorite take-aways.

1. On Saturday, David Miller gave an excellent overview of the concept of processional living. My favorite piece was an extended discussion of creativity. He said that, rather than being something interesting and fun to pass time with, creativity is at the heart of our relationship with God. He defined it, not just as artistic expression, but as any time we take the opportunity to make choices that are unique to us, that life itself is an ongoing creative work. I've been thinking about that ever since, and it really rings true. We notice creativity in art because it distills a huge amount of choices down to a single canvass, page, or song, but it takes even more creativity to respond well to the surprises life throws at us every day. If we can really settle the fact that we are unquestionably accepted and loved, that nothing we can do could make God love us any more or any less, than I think we can start living life out of a sense of adventure and creative expression. I'll be thinking about this a lot more over the next few weeks.

2. Somewhat along the same theme, I had a fantastic (and really unexpected) conversation with Megan, Jonathan, and David at dinner about my novel-in-progress. They asked such great questions, and really pushed my thinking in several areas. The main insight I'm working with is that I need to make my main character's situation much, much worse at the beginning. In fact, I need to make the world a little darker and a lot less forgiving in general. I don't think this changes very much of what actually happens (events), but I need to really deepen the why of it all (motivation), and give the protagonist a lot more to overcome.

It's so good to have honest to God friends...it seems like the more time passes, the more grateful, and even a little bemused I become about how blessed I am with the people in my life.

Structured Sponteneity

2008-08-15T09:42:00.000-04:00

I've been talking with Jordan lately about the idea of structured spontaneity.

Both of us have realized how much we really value the freedom to respond naturally and intuitively to whatever emerges during the day, rather than being so constrained by circumstances (job, finances, time commitments, etc) that it's impossible to make decisions in the moment.

On the other hand, we're learning how critically important it is to create structure within life that keeps us moving forward. One of the worst feelings for me personally is waking up on a friday morning and realizing that I'm functionally in the same place I was on monday. I hate feeling like time is escaping me, or that I'm stewarding it poorly.

So, how can we marry the two together? Here are some thoughts:

1) Spontaneity vs. Laziness: I know I've confused the two more than I should, and the "being spontaneous" is often just a cover for not wanting to think hard, or to commit myself to a difficult task. Separating those two has been a good starting point for me.

2) Structured Open Space: This concept has become really key for my life recently. The idea is that you intentionally define "open space" times, large blocks where you release yourself from any obligation to produce anything. The actual content of my open space day (friday) tends to change a lot depending on where I'm at. Sometimes I'll read a book I've been wanting to get to, or I'll play computer games, or spend time with friends, or sometimes I'll just sleep half of the day. The point is that I can focus on doing whatever would restore my soul and body most without feeling guilty. In the past, I mixed work, play, and rest into one big jumble. I frequently wasn't very productive when I worked, and felt guilty when I played or rested. Again, separating out those two spaces is huge.

3) Know the Big Picture: One of the biggest reasons my short term spontaneity wasn't very productive was that I didn't have a clear sense of where I wanted to go in the long run. I was thinking 3 months down the road, at the very most. Often, I was only thinking a week ahead. Since coming out of DDQ two weeks ago, I've invested a lot of time and energy into thinking into the future and setting specific goals. I have a 5 year plan for Equus now. I've committed myself to a writing schedule that will leave me with a finished rough draft by this time next year. And dear God does it feel better. Even just three weeks ago I constantly felt that uneasy "I think I'm forgetting something" feeling down in my stomach. Even a ten hour work day often felt unsatisfying because, behind it all, I wasn't really sure if all that work was actually moving me forward or just keeping me busy. It feels so much better to know that I'm working, resting, and playing with purpose now.

4) Define Your Time: This is kind of where everything leads. Rather than insisting on no plan at all in the name of freedom or spontaneity, I've committed myself to a very well defined "macro-structure".

* Monday - Thursday: Focused work days for Equus. Every day I tackle one major "to-do" first, that one thing that will move me a step closer to my weekly goal. Yesterday I research and registered for a Federal Tax ID and DBA liscence (doing business as). If that one thing takes me all day, then at least it was a very productive day. If not, I tick some smaller "clearing my plate" items off of the list. The main point is focused and sustained work until dinner time.

* Friday: Open Space day. Free time to disengage and recharge. I really love Fridays =). The principle behind taking a workday off is that the positive benefit of an entire disengaged day a week spread out over the long run will more than equal whatever work I might scrape out on that day. So far its really proven to be true.

* Saturday - Sunday: Writing weekend. I've discovered that to write consistently I really need a larger block of time, I can't squeeze it in around other things. My goal as of now is to write 3-5 new pages each day of the weekend, but I'm hoping to increase that before too long. Its been interesting to see how much I've begun looking forward to the weekend, storing up ideas and jottings in my notebook. Before I just had this general sense that "I should write whenever I can", which translated into almost never. Now that I actually don't allow myself to do any writing during the week, by Saturday morning I'm actually looking forward to "getting to write again". The mind is a funny thing.

So out of some of those thoughts I'm starting to see a livable kind of "structured spontaneity" emerging. Doing the hard work up front to think, plan, and commit yourself to tangible long term goals and a structure for getting there, so that you become free to creatively and spontaneously manage your time and energy within that structure. It's working really well for me so far, so I'm looking forward to seeing how this plays out over the coming year.

The Gift of Bookstores

2008-08-11T22:41:00.004-04:00

I've been doing a string of research for my novel lately. I'm trying to discover as much as I can about asian culture, history, plants and animals, and mythology (it's what my world is based on). Every time I go into a bookstore these days I spend some time seeing what I can find. Last time I was in a Barnes and Nobles an incredibly helpful woman lead me to the Oriental Mythology shelf and pulled off 7 or 8 books in about 5 minutes.

And it really started to hit me what an incredible gift and resource our access to literature in America really is.

For hundreds of years only the wealthiest owned books. Kings gave books to each other as gifts and tribute. The illustrated bible manuscript was often the single most valuable thing inside a church. Even after the printing press opened up access to the written word, most of the printed works were gathered in large private collections. The concept of a public library is a truly modern one.

And today we can usually find at least one major bookstore in a city, not to mention a collection of libraries. A single Barnes and Nobles might have over 100,000 books on its shelfs. Think about that for a second. The hard work of over 100,000 minds just sitting there, a massive repository of human experience to draw on in an instant.

I've often wondered what a human being could become if she or he could live 1,000 lives and remember each one. In a way, I'm realizing that we can come closer to that than anyone ever could at any point in history. Those bookshelves are filled with far more than 1,000 lives, real and imagined. So many windows into human experience, so many beautiful ideas and the consequences of terrible choices, and all of them available to us whenever we like.

Maybe that's why I love just being in bookstores so much. The moment I walk in I start to relax, and I often find myself smiling. Sometimes I enjoy just wandering through the shelves, running my hands along the book spines. Did you know that books all smell different too? Crack on open and press your nose down on the page sometime. I've actually picked several books based on their smell, and I've enjoyed them all. Maybe books have pheromones...

My point is, the next time you walk into a bookstore, don't head straight for the cafe. Stop and look around at what's happening. Dozens of people are milling around, talking, browsing, reading. They're all there learning together, expanding themselves and absorbing information. They're reading books in the aisles that people had to read by candlelight in hidden basements in the past, to avoid being discovered.

It really is beautiful if you stop and look.

6 Ways Mushrooms Can Save the World

2008-08-08T16:05:00.002-04:00

Some of you may have already seen this video, but I've watched it 2-3 times and it always amazes me. I'm really hoping we start to actually see some of these solutions put to use soon.

My Layer Cake Life

2008-08-07T12:11:00.002-04:00

Time flies when you're facilitating a DDQ.

My last week is a little blurry. I got off the plane in DC, met up with dad, had a day or so of downtime, drove out to the Inn, and we literally launched right into the first evening gathering of DDQ Phase II a few minutes after stepping out of the car.

The conference ended on Sunday, followed by a fun day outing of fishing and hanging out on the lake. So now I've finally had a chance to get my bearings again. I just put a load of laundry in the wash (I was down to my last pair of socks...), and I'm about to start a more regular work cycle again.

In the last few days I've also had the chance to do some actual thinking and processing as well. It's been especially good to have Jordan here pushing me to dig deeper and talk out loud. The most significant insight I've had of late has really helped me get a handle on where I've been, and especially on what this next month or two is supposed to be about.

I realized that my life is a lot like a cake that God has been working on over the last 5 years. Janelle insists its a layer cake. All through college He's been mixing and combining, breaking things down, stirring new discoveries and learnings into the mix. Sometimes it's felt a little choatic, even painful, but the end result is definitely more than the sum of the individual pieces.

I've been aware of how significantly different this year has been, though. To follow the metaphor on out, my life has been baking in the oven. I've been in this defined, enclosed space, and the environment itself has worked this ongoing transformation. I've frequently felt like I wasn't even actively doing anything, that all of these pieces and new discoveries were almost catalyzing on their own. The clearest thing I've felt from God is that I'm just not supposed to try and rush the process, that I should leave the door closed and let the process continue until He says its finished.

My month in Texas felt profoundly final, however, the clear capstone to that "oven season". But at the same time, I haven't felt a full release to launch out into whatever comes next. It's been rather confusing, honestly. As God began talking me through this analogy, though, I finally saw that this little window of being home after Texas is a chance to let the cake cool off. A short process, but important.

After finished DDQ Phase II, I'm even more aware of the disciplined planning I still need to engage. Yesterday I walked Equus (my digital publishing company) through a 5, 3, 2, 1 year, 6 month, and 3 month plan. I thought about what I want to shoot for, what I'm willing to sacrifice to get there, and what my next concrete steps are, and it felt wonderful (if a little exhausting). I finally feel like I have a handle on where I'm heading and what I need to do, and that underlying fear of failure has been gradually lifting ever since. I plan to do a similar planning process for my writing and general lifestyle goals.

I still don't know what shape my life will take. I don't know where I'll live next. I don't even really know who the core relationships in my life will be (though many of them are more obvious these days, thanks guys). But I'm beginning to feel the shape of those things as they emerge, and that is seriously exciting.

Jason Mraz - Winter Wonderland

2008-07-29T14:44:00.001-04:00

Who in their right mind would be satisfied with just one Jason Mraz song? Besides, it is frighteningly hot in Texas, so it's nice to pretend that it's Christmans, just for a few minutes.

The Rainbow Connection

2008-07-29T13:54:00.004-04:00

Here's a little musical interlude, especially for all of you Muppet fans out there.

Ducks

2008-07-27T20:41:00.000-04:00

Ok, two serious posts is about all I can handle in one go, so today I'm going to write about Ducks:

Ducks live a sweet ass life.

Think about it, they are one of those rare animals who get TWO primary abilities. They can swim and fly. Feeling like a lazy day on the pond? Go for it man, you're a duck. But hey, don't worry, when the pond freezes over and all the other lame birds are dropping out of the trees like birdie-popsicles, you'll be chilling on a beach in Cabo, cause you can fly.

Anyone watch the show Heroes? Everybody gets one super ability, except for one guy (sort of). Hiro Nakamura can control time and teleport. And Hiro is, not surprisingly, one of the coolest characters in the show (he is also cute and cuddle, further re-enforcing my duck argument. Oh and also, Peter Petrelli doesn't count. He can absorb other people's powers, but it's still technically one ability, it's just a kick-ass one).

Ok, on to my next point, which we will call Point Tango:

Ducks are social birds, they live in groups. "So what", you may be thinking to yourself. That means that every duck is at least cool enough to be worth hanging out with. How many other birds do you know that flock together that way?

Penguins? I believe the movie Happy Feet has convincingly demonstrated that penguins are officially "cool".

Flamingos? Still cool, in a very 60s coctail party sort of way.

See, that's pretty lofty company. Take eagles, as a counter example. No one would deny that eagles are bad asses. But they must get lonely, right? All that soaring around on their own all the time must give them lots of empty hours to contemplate the meaninglessness of a life lived in isolation. I mean eagle chicks fight to the death as soon as they hatch until only one is left. That's just cold man...cold.

Oh, and a slight tangent for all you wordy types out there. I have just discovered that a group of ducks is only considered a flock when they are actually in flight. When they are on the water they are refered to as a raft of ducks, or a paddling of ducks, and at all times they can be refered to as a brace of ducks. Fascinating stuff.

So in conclusion, I believe I have convincingly demonstrated that ducks are the time traveling social ninjas of the avian world, and worthy of far more consideration than we have previously afforded them.

Tune in again next week, when I examine the relative merits of pogo sticks and other alternate means of transportation.

Things I'm Learning

2008-07-26T12:33:00.004-04:00

Perspective: I can't make my own life work. Simple as that. I could spend the next 50 years doing everything I can to make things work out the way I envision them, and die exhausted and frustrated. Or I can cultivate a healthier perspective, living out in the mundane details of my days the confusing truth that we find our lives when we give them up. I'll take the latter.

Patience: There are things that I want, right now. I want to move into my own apartment, fully furnished exactly the way I want it to be. I want to live closer to all of my friends. I want to travel with people I love. Frankly, I want to get married and raise a family. There are so many things that are almost a part of my life, that it becomes far too easy to spend all my time thinking about what I am waiting for, rather than engaging what is all around me.

I'm learning that patience doesn't mean passivity. Patience is the whole-hearted engagement of the here-and-now, supported by the firm conviction that tomorrow will be its own day, equally worth engaging.

Trust: I'm learning to trust God in a deeper and more tangible way than I ever have before. I'm learning to trust the relationships in my life more fully. And mostly, I'm learning to trust myself. I'm learning to give credence to my own instincts, and the goodness of who God has made me to be.

Intensity: This is the one it feels like I'm having the hardest time with. I'm am learning to give myself fully to the things that I'm engaging, to take things that extra step. I'm learning how to discipline my spirit and my emotions in those moments when I would rather watch a movie than sit down to write. I don't want to go through life only making good use of 20% of my time.

I imagine sometimes what my life could look like in the future if I truly learned to intensely and passionately engage whatever it is I'm setting myself to. When I work, I work with focus. When I rest, I rest without guilt. When I spend time with friends and family, I do it with abandon. When I travel, I move fully outside my comfort zone. I imagine a life where I never feel the subtle conviction that I'm just wasting some time, and it looks really good.

So those are some of the things I'm learning. I'm tempted to say, "things I still need to learn", because there are so many moments -- even whole days -- when I live as though I haven't learned them at all. But the truth is that they are sinking down under my skin and becoming a part of me. I've begun to notice instances where I react from these places without needing to think about it, and that is very encouraging.

"It is the voice of life that calls us to come a learn"

Back and the saddle and learning all the time...

2008-07-24T10:04:00.003-04:00

It has been almost exactly two weeks since my last post.

I'm really sorry for the long silence, I should have left a note on here or something. I've been on a semi-voluntary computer fast that ended up running a little longer than expected. Let me explain.

Two weeks ago while bumming around on my laptop (I was going to say 'working' but decided to keep it honest, lol), I was suddenly struck by the dreaded Blue Screen of Death crash. I booted up again, and it blue screened after just a few minutes in windows. That was about the time I realized that I hadn't backed up all the work I'd done on Equus things in over a month....so needless to say I was freaking out.

No one was home at the time, so there wasn't much I could do about it. I realized, though, that freaking out all afternoon wouldn't really solve the problem either, so I decided to spend some time meditating. Once I managed to quiet my mind down and get into that peaceful space, I found God waiting for me there, sitting cross-legged on the floor, smiling. He looked very mischievous. As soon as I sat down He said "don't worry Justin, I just killed your computer so that we would talk."

Which, strangely, was very comforting. And we've been talking ever since, about all kinds of things. Now, I would have said that I talked to God frequently before, but I realized how agenda driven my prayer life had become. I mean there was always something of great significance to talk about, or ask for, or surrender, or whatever.

This time, we just talked.

And of course, we eventually got to some amazingly helpful insights about myself, my thought life these days, my fears about the future, the ways I've begun using my business venture as both a means of controlling my own destiny and an excuse not to take risks in the here-and-now until it reaches a certain point (impressive, huh?). But those kinds of things have fallen into the conversation in between my thoughts about The Dark Knight (amazing movie!) and the mechanics of good storytelling, string theory, girls, the church, martial arts, and a hundred other random, hang out topics.

So, I'm in a bit of a daze right now. I'm wondering if things will "go back to normal" when I go home, and really hoping they don't...

I don't really have anything more conclusive to say. It may seem strange for me to just trail out like this, but after all I'm just having a conversation here, and conversations don't always need to be neatly wrapped up.

Golden Post

2008-07-11T15:45:00.002-04:00

I don't really have much to say today, but I realized I was only one post away from 50, so...

Happy 50th Post To Me!

In other news, I'm making a public declaration that I'm going to get back into a consistent pattern of writing. I haven't done any at all since coming down to Texas, which is bad. You all have my permission to harass me mercilessly until I produce something.

My Sister Is A HUGE DORKI

2008-07-09T14:40:00.002-04:00

Public Service Announcement:

I hereby announce to the entire world (the one's who read my blog anyway...) that, as per the subject line of this post, my sister is a HUGE DORK! She has been blogging for nearly a month and has not mentioned this fact. Now that she said something she has been removed from the list of shame and added to my blog roll, but I couldn't let it pass without tossing a lame bomb in her direction.

With that said, I've read her first few posts and I'm floored....my sister needs to just be a writer or something. I'll carry her bags to big conventions and stuff.

Also, I am going to need to start looking for new people to mock on my list of shame....

Serious Blog Section:

I've often thought about how strange it is that we live as if we can plan and predict our lives. We talk about what we're going to do next month or next week so often. Usually we actually do those things, but it's just been striking me that all of the important events that have had lasting impact on my life have been unexpected. Most of them I couldn't have anticipated even the day before.

Here I am in Texas, for example. I didn't even know half of the people here until I came down for the Vanguard conference in June. I was not even thinking about leaving home at that point, but here I am.

Despite how this may sound, this isn't a depressing or paralyzing thought for me. Quite the opposite, actually. I find it thrilling and it gives me hope.

Do you ever get that feeling that life is always going to be just like this, forever. That kind of slightly hopeless, listless, restless feeling? Or do you ever think about something that you want so badly you think you'll go crazy because you know with 100% certainty that you're never going to get it? I do.

But then I remind myself that the really significant parts of my life, be they beautiful or painful, have always come from out of the blue, the day after I thought nothing would ever change.

Who knows, maybe you're just five minutes away from meeting that special person for the first time, or reconnecting with someone you met years ago and never developed a friendship with.

Maybe tomorrow morning you'll wake up with that one amazing idea that will change life as you know it and send you hurtling in an unexpected direction.

Maybe tomorrow will be just another day.

I guess that's what makes life an adventure worth sticking around for =).

Further Progress

2008-07-08T14:48:00.002-04:00

Two more names have been removed from my list of shame and added to my blogroll! Well done Blanche and Zac. The rest of you are still lame.

At the risk of being smacked, it looks like my subtle pressure is really working. I seem to be very influential ;-).

In other news, I've been settling into my month in Texas. I've been here for about 5 days, but it's all gone by in a crazy whirlwind. These Texans really do 4th of July hardcore. Lots of croquet, horseshoes, swimming, BBQ, and hanging out. Good times.

I'm settling into something that actually resembles a work rhythm today. I woke up at 8am and have been steadily checking things off my list and making really solid progress all day. It feels great to finally be productive again. It's also a weight off my mind to confirm that I really will have plenty of time to get work done. I was starting to get a little nervous there....

New Features Aplenty

2008-06-28T19:03:00.002-04:00

I've added a few interesting new features to my blog.

The most important of which is an RSS feed (finally!) so all of you saavy Google Reader users out there can add my to your feeds.

There's also a cool new Blogspot feature called a blog list that not only lists my favorite blogs out there on the web, but shows the title of the most recent posts. So if your blog is on there, make your titles really snappy and post frequently, because the list is arranged based on the most recent posts. May the best blogger win!

Haha, just kidding, no pressure and all that, but seriously anyone cruising for blogs to track should check out that list.

And There Was Much Rejoicing

2008-06-28T18:49:00.002-04:00

Today is a very big day everybody!

Today I get to take the first name off of my list of infamy to the right. My dad has started blogging! In typical Doug Fike fashion, he took his time getting into it, but his blog is bigger, more nuanced, and built on a better platform than mine, lol.

You should all go check it out, cause he's at least as awesome as I am.

dfworldview.squarespace.com

Check out some of the incredible photography in his Photo Blog section. There's some really cool, artistic new series there.

Midnight Secrets

2008-06-27T09:52:00.002-04:00

Here's another freewrite that appeared in my notebook recently. Ironically, I wrote it yesterday afternoon during a DDQ session...but I was paying very close attention I promise:

Last night I climbed the tree outside my window. The sill was open, just a little bit. I couldn't help myself. The bark of the old elm felt good, like little slips of brittle paper with ancient messages scribbled inside. My toes sank down into the wood, leaving a trail of five fingered smiles as I climbed.

It is a very tall tree, the kind that grows taller and wider as you climb. It smelled like very old furniture, which made me happy. The branches spread out over the roof of my house. As I climbed higher, I heard the music. Little tender trills and icicle bells danced in the air, just loud enough to hear. It was what had drawn me outside, though I didn't realize it until now. I peeked over the top of a very large branch, and that's when I saw them. The little people were dancing on my roof again.

Some of them plucked at tiny little harpsichords, while others tapped and rattled on acorn drums. Each one wore its own little hat. Some were floppy, others were very proper, but they were each a very different color. Some of them had tied little bells into their hair or their wings, and they tinkled like Christmas ice as the twirled in tiny circles. I wanted to watch them forever, but I knew better. Everyone knows, if you're lucky enough to see the little people dancing, you mustn't stare. Some things cannot be owned.

I kept climbing, because there was more tree. The branches grew thinner and began to bend, but I asked them to be brave for me, so that I could reach the top, and they straightened right up. They were good branches. I'm glad my mother taught me how to ask nicely.

The tree ended quite suddenly. The leaves up there were very faint and foggy, I still remember that bright silver taste they left in my mouth. You could run your hands through them if you wanted to.

The moon was waiting for me, like I knew she would be. She told me little secrets. They weren't very important, but they made me very happy. I would share them with you, but she made me promise not to. I'm sure she would share some of her secrets with you, if you asked very nicely.

The Changing Shape of Seasons

2008-06-23T08:08:00.003-04:00

Something I've been thinking a lot lately: growing up.

In years past I've thought more about the parts of growing up that effect me. Job, relationships, my own family some day. But lately I've been reflecting on the part of growing up that effects the people in your life. It's such a significant shift in so many ways, that I've seen how it begins to play out in your important relationships.

Take my relationship with my parents, for example. This year at home has been intense and amazing. I came into it relating to them primarily as their child still, and I'm coming out of it relating to them more as a peer in many ways.

I think its a subtle thing, but important. I've talked with them about things I've observed in their marriage. I used to ask their permission for things that I now ask their perspective on. And in a lot of ways, I've noticed how much more active my spiritual and relational radar is for our family. In the past those are the kinds of things I would have expected them to keep track of. How is the family doing? Do we need to stand together to pray for something or someone? I'm noticing and taking responsibility for those things in ways I never would have a few years ago.

So now that question I've been wrestling with is, how do I healthily and fully step into the dynamics of this new season, without cutting myself off from the amazing insight and perspective I'm privileged to have from friends and family? It feels like a strange tension to walk out. I suppose that all of the various dynamics of this very new phase of life as things I just need to walk out as I become aware of them.

For those of you in a similar season shift who read this blog, how have you been experiencing this transition? Any specific areas, responsibilities, or challenges that you're particularly aware of right now? I'd love to hear about them.

A Long Silence

2008-06-20T12:32:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the long absence. Hopefully Demetri Martin kept you entertained somewhat while I was away.

hehe...B Batteries.

Anyway, this is normally the part where I would talk about how busy everything has been, blah blah blah, but it really hasn't. I mean, I've been working on a lot of things, and I spent the last weekend at the Dandelion Seed Conference in Charlottesville (which was amazing and I'll need to post on that at some point).

But mostly, I've just been mentally tired. I've been stubbornly avoiding any non-essential "thinking and expressing yourself" activity lately, hence the long silence. I'm not really sure why. I've noticed that I get that way sometimes. When I've been engaging a lot, all of the sudden I just need to disengage from it for a while. It especially happens when there's something in the back of my mind that I'm thinking a lot about...

I suppose I finally found the outlet I needed though. Two nights ago I stayed up all night playing Mass Effect (an amazing space opera epic roleplaying game on the PC, for the uninformed). I finally crawled in bed for a few hours around 8am.

You'd think I'd wake up tired, but I was so refreshed and energized that morning, and I have been since then. I rolled out of bed and crossed three things off of my to-do list in about 30 minutes, and I've been on a roll ever since.

I guess I'm still learning how important it is for me to regularly disengage and really give myself permission to do that with abandon.

So, keep your eyes peeled for regular posting once more. I've been thinking about a lot of things, and having some very interesting discussions with cool people, so expect some more philosophically oriented posts for a while.

Although I can't promise I won't get goofy on you. That's just how it is.

Demitri Martin

2008-06-14T17:52:00.002-04:00

Some of the cool people here in C-ville introduced me to this comedian, and I'm now a huge fan!

Think a "not stoned" Mitch Hedberg.

It's a little long, but totally worth it.

2008-06-10T13:12:00.001-04:00

'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

It was only a matter of time until Blizzard hit on this idea. The only question is, why didn't it happen sooner?

Freewriting

2008-06-10T11:57:00.002-04:00

I've been doing a lot of freewriting exercises recently. I pulled the idea from Writing Down the Bones (there's an old post about it on here somewhere). The idea is to just put your pencil on the page and keep writing as quickly as you can, to practice loosening up and writing more genuinely. It's been a really fun exercise, and I'm actually liking some of the little pieces I end up with. So I've decided to start a mini-series on here of some of my favorites:

06/06/08

Something sleeps under the pavement of this city. It waits just behind the concrete walls. It isn't evil, any more than it is good, it just is, like a summer storm. It is the distant thunder that tells you that a riot of color and smells you might never see is happening just behind you, and if you turn fast enough, you just might catch it out of the corner of your eye.

There is just something more under everything, whispering little words to us as we walk to work. It is like dark sunlight.

It is why we write songs, and break boards, and ride horses. Because we know that there is more, and we all think secretly that if we write songs about breaking boards while we ride horses, well maybe then we would find it.

I often wonder if someday we will all wake up with shiny new car keys on our pillow. If the more will just be there, like ice on a winter morning.

We will all remember how to fly. We will race fire and eat clouds. We will tame unicorns and spend whole decades under the ocean.

The Price of tax cuts

2008-06-06T16:19:00.004-04:00

I stumbled across this article, and found it interesting. Well actually I found it terrifying. As we head into the general campaign, this is the kind of "numbers and data" information I really value.

Walking Around

2008-06-04T22:10:00.002-04:00

You can get pretty far if you just pretend that you belong.

I spent the afternoon walking around downtown DC by myself, just getting some fresh air with no particular plan in mind. I was kind of trying to find a restaurant that I thought was in the area I was wandering, or I thought I might stumble across a bookstore or something.

I circled several blocks, and was thinking about giving up and just eating any old place, but I was walking past a Marriot, so I figured, "why not ask the concierge?"

Anyway, just kind of strolled up to the desk and asked about the restaurant. She pointed it out to me on a map, then gave me the map and also circled a nearby bookstore and a movie theater. She was very helpful, and almost made me wish I was staying there. I was feeling very cool and secret agent like as I left with the top secret map in my back pocket.

Then I pushed on the door that was clearly marked "pull" for like 10 seconds on the way out.

What?

Like you've never done that before...moving on.

I went in search of my restaurant, but I never made it there. A block from the hotel I got hit by a torrential downpour. I mean the kind of rain that looks like it should hurt. I was only about two blocks from the theater the concierge had pointed out, so I went there instead. Since I was pretty much instantly soaked, I found a perverse kind if satisfaction in strolling down the sidewalk, smiling and waving to all the people running by under flappy umbrellas. They were very confused. It was great =).

So instead of the sushi restaurant I had been questing for, I ate at McDonalds, as that was the only real option though. It was cool though, because I had a coupon for a free sample of the new addition to the menu, a southwestern chicken sandwich. It's kind of like the annoying, B student little brother of a Chick-Fil-A sandwich, in case you were wondering. Some cops who were hanging around to wait out the rain chased out a homeless looking guy who wasn't buying anything, which seemed unfair to me because it was raining on him too. I wanted to buy him some food but he left pretty fast.

I ended up watching Indiana Jones, which was good in that it gave me something to do while I waited for the storm to pass, and bad in that the theater was - of course air conditioned...I tried to use the shivering to create friction with the seat, which didn't work but made me feel like I was doing something about the situation. At least I dried off fast.

The storm was pulling a Hillary Clinton by the time the movie let out. Everyone knew it was over but it hung around and kept sputtering anyway.

Two blocks in any direction from the Verizon center (where the theater is), you will find bright lights and those kind of fake facade restaurants and buildings that are supposed to look authentic but just look like Disney knockoffs. With the rain coming down, it felt exactly like walking through a movie set, especially since I was again the only person without an umbrella. I even took off my hat so the water could run all the way down my face. I told the doormen outside a hotel I walked past that it was a nice night for a swim, which they laughed at.

So basically, my aimless wandering ended up exactly the way I had hoped it would, interesting and unexpected.

Life is good.

How vs. Why

2008-06-01T15:22:00.003-04:00

A few years ago mom decorated one whole wall of the Inn's bathroom with pages taken out of a "Decade in Review" edition of Time Magazine from the 1960s. It's a great idea, tons of interesting little articles that cover everything from music and the emergence of television to politics, the economy, and Vietnam.

One little add all the way up by the ceiling caught my eye recently. It reads"

"Boy.
Drop out of school, and that's what
you'll be called all your working life.

If you want a good job, get a good education."

It got me thinking about how subtly but significantly things have shifted since the dawn of the Information Age.

I think the link between education and success is even more widely accepted today than back then, but I wonder whether the assumption the education = school is as iron clad as it once was.

Honestly, I believe that very little classroom education beyond middle school fundamentals really prepares students for success in real life today.

Now, don't misunderstand, I also think that any education or mind-expanding exercise is worthwhile. I'm glad that I understand the principles behind algebra, physics, biology, english literature, etc. But at the same time that I appreciate them, and think students should be educated in all of those things, is a working knowledge of those fields really what makes up a good education?

Who is teaching students how to accurately evaluate the pros and cons of a situation when they're trying to settle on a course of action? Who teaches them to create realistic budgets? How to healthily and constructively work in a team environment? To learn to value delayed gratification? To think and reason critically, from several viewpoints? To push their own thinking out of the box intentionally when problem solving? To give and receive constructive feedback?

My point is, today education in America focuses on information and data. We teach facts. We learn when things happen without discussing why. We teach kids how things work, but not how to understand themselves and others so that they will actually be able to DO SOMETHING with that knowledge.

To me this approach just seems totally backwards. Information is everywhere. If you want to know how something works, or when something happened, or how to solve for X, just Google it. I think its time we started to take advantage of the general availability of information. Let's focus less on turning students into walking encyclopedias, and start teaching them how to make the most of the knowledge at their disposal.

Agree with me? Think I'm nuts? I'd be really interested to hear people's thoughts on this spontaneous rant, so drop a comment.

Queen Kitty

2008-05-28T22:08:00.002-04:00

Let me introduce you to the 5th highest ranking official on the Wakayama Electric Railroad Co.

She's a Super-Station manager, and she's also the only female with a management position.

Sometimes other cultures are just...weird.

Read this article for the full story.

I'm Not Crying

2008-05-27T11:06:00.001-04:00

It seems I'm falling behind in my posting.

I've been alternating between lots of work and avoiding my work, but I should be reaching a major milestone today! We're almost finished with an introductory sample that we've been working on, to give people a chance to explore the format. Once that is done some of the short term pressure should be off, and I'm planning to actually take a day or two off sometime this week, God willing.

Anyway, I haven't had a whole lot of quirky thoughts or deep reflections lately, but I'll try to do better. In the meantime, I'll let this video do my entertaining for me. Just wanted to re-assure everyone after my last, "super serious" post that, I'm really Not Crying....I've just been cutting onions.

I'm making a lasagna.....for one.

(p.s. if you didn't get that quote please watch the video so you don't think I'm crazy)

Donating to Earthquake Relief

2008-05-24T12:23:00.003-04:00

Hey Everyone,

I'm sure most of you have been tracking the massive destruction in the wake of the recent earthquake in China. Hundreds of thousands of people have lost homes and families, and many are in danger of starvation and disease.

There are a lot of relief efforts underway, but I wanted to talk about Alpha Communities in particular. For those of you who are connected in GDI in some way, AC has been a member of our family network for more than a decade, working quietly in orphanages and hospitals throughout China and Tibet. God has been opening doors and giving them immense favor with the government in the aftermath of this disaster, and they've launched a large relief effort of their own. For me at least, it is especially meaningful to be able to not only do what I can to help the population there, but to do it by supporting a part of the GDI family that has been faithfully and sacrificially serving God on the ground in Asia for a very long time.

Here's a link to their website. Even $20 would provide real relief for someone in pain, and currently PayPal has waived all of their usual fees for any donations to relief efforts like Alpha Communities, so every cent goes straight to helping out.

Honestly this disaster has really impacted me. I can't really comprehend destruction and loss on this scale, it almost feels unreal to me, but I'm determined not to let it be just another thing that I say a silent prayer for and then get back to my own life. I'll confess I did exactly that when the Tsunami hit Thailand a few years ago, and it's always something I've regretted.

Events like this make me so painfully aware of how much I have to be grateful for. There are times when I'm tempted to even feel guilty for the safety and provision I take for granted every day, even though I know that's not really a right or helpful response.

This has been kind of a rambling post. I'm finding myself very emotional about this, and I'm struggling for words to express that without it coming across as a sanctimonious guilt trip. I trust that you all know my heart, and I trust your own ability to hear whatever God is saying to you personally about this.

Sobered and grateful,

-- J --

Writing Progress Report

2008-05-22T14:33:00.002-04:00

Haven't had anything to report on this front in a while, but yesterday I completed a new scene I've been working on in snatches for the past few weeks! So far its only in my notebook, but when I read it to mom and dad they had a really solid reaction, and I'm quite pleased with it.

I've been discovering how helpful it can be to impose creative restrictions on myself. For this last round, I've forced myself not to touch a single page to make edits until I finished the scene I just completed. The manuscript is a little wacky now, since I haven't corrected some contradictions that have cropped up, but I made much better progress, and I'm more pleased with the result, than I have been on similar pieces where I've edited after I finished writing a draft.

Another good one that Zac gave me is to try and remove adjectives from my writing. A quick read after our conversations made it painfully obvious how much I rely on them without thinking about it, so it will be interesting to work that into the editing process.

So the new goal is to get this manuscript into a readable rough draft state, and the newly imposed restriction is to stick with the editing process until I get there, rather than poking at it haphazardly.

Little by little

Transition Blues

2008-05-21T15:38:00.001-04:00

*Note* I actually wrote this yesterday, but the internet in our hotel ran out before I could post it. I'm feeling a lot more chipper today, but I figured I'd post it anyway. It's all real right?

I believe I've already talked about not handling the in-betweens of transition periods well.

Well, today is further proof of that. Everything about today has been good. Slept in a little, had a very productive work meeting with mom for several hours that is going to continue to ensure that I stay on track with Equus, and I'm in a city that I love.

But I'm very much in turmoil inside.

More and more these days I just feel all of these disconnected things in my life. Experiences that I should be enjoying become reminders of something I hope for that isn't here yet, or something that I've only left behind very recently and still feel the absence of.

A large part of it is connected to other people and their responses, which adds another layer of both concern (because its important stuff) and frustration (because I'm just kind of waiting, either because the ball is in their court or because the only thing for it is more time passing).

It just feels like life has become a bit of a waiting game. I've got work to do, and some short term things to look forward to, but most of what I'm excited about these days is months or seasons away, if I'm even certain of it at all.

I'm realizing that its a little dual-minded of me to be writing about something like this after my last post sounding the praises of a life of freedom. I guess this is the hairy underside of freedom in a way. I still believe that someday I'll find a good balance. I don't think it will take much, a few solid and consistent things in my life, close relationships with people I see regularly, things like that.

For now, though, I'll keep doing what I need to do, trusting in God's timing on this as in other things.

Freedom!

2008-05-20T09:21:00.000-04:00

I've been discovering how incredibly important freedom is to me.

I was talking with a friend of mine a few days ago about how people tend to either prefer security or freedom in their lifestyles. I have to work hard not to think of security as a dirty word sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I want to have a consistent income and such, I just don't want to sacrifice the ability to travel and organize my life according to my own sense of significance to get it. That's the main thing that keeps me going through looooong work days right now, the dream of being able to work from anywhere so that I can follow the wind and my heart wherever I want.

So this next season of my life is going to be defined by two things: freedom and relationships. I'm going to simplify my life as much as possible, so that I can travel different places and stay with friends, building and deepening the important relationships in my life. When I think about that kind of lifestyle I honestly get a little giddy. Could life really be that good?

I know that someday (hopefully not like 10 years from now, either) I'm going to get married and start a family, but I also know that I want to find a life partner who can join me in a whole hearted pursuit of freedom and relationships. I'm discovering in these early days of the new season how much of a lifelong priority this is going to be. I can't wait to explore the world and have adventures with my wife, and someday my children.

So, here's to freedom. ::toasts::